The holidays are finally here! Let’s see there is the Emperor’s birthday, New Years and… of yeah Christmas! Despite the fact that Japan is less than 1% Christian Christmas has caught on with the Japanese because it’s yet another excuse for shopping. I thought Americans spent a lot of money to buy new nice things all the time but damn the Japanese take it to another level. When everyday thrift stores carry flat screen tvs, furs, rolex watches and Louis Vuitton bags in the latest style (or so I’m told) then you know you’re in a rich country that likes to shop.
The week before Christmas (and a two week vacation!) I thought it would be fun to dress up as Santa Claus at the elementary schools. Gee I wonder if they’ll like it? Oh my god… Have you ever been chased by a hundred screaming children before? Instinct kicks in and I ran for it. I backed up against a wall so Santa wouldn’t get any fingers in the butt, braced myself for all the grabby hands and screaming, and let the swarm come upon me. Yes, yes I think they like it.
Shouts of ‘Santa-san’, ‘Santa-sensei’ or ‘Michael-Santa’ echoed through the hallways whenever I came near. There’s this black guy on TV right now that dresses up as Santa Claus called… Black Santa. So I got quite a few “Black Santa” remarks as well. Yes, Japan is a very very isolated country. A typical reaction from children would first be surprise then happy recognition and then grabby and demanding for presents and money. Some kids were definitely greedier than others.
Typical Kid:
T Kid: “Woah it’s Santa! Where’s my present?” *sticks out hands for presents*
Me: “Not until Christmas.”
T Kid: “Okay!” *gives me a high five and walks away*
Greedy Kid:
G Kid: “Santa! SANTA! Gimmie presents!” *sticks out hands for presents*
Me: “Not until Christmas.”
G Kid: “I want presents now! Give me money!” *steals my hat or yanks off my beard*
There was a particularly determined group of a dozen boys who were all greedy buggers demanding Santa’s hard earned yen. I thought it would be a good idea to give the kids a little something. I pull out my wallet to the surprise and delight of the crowd and:
Me: “HERE YOU GO.” *hands kid a one yen coin*
G Kid 1: “One yen? Cheap! Santa is a cheapskate!”
Me: “Santa is not rich.”
G Kid 2: “That’s soooooo cheap.”
G Kid 3: “Santa-cheapskate Santa-cheapskate!”
Walking back to the refuge of the teacher’s room I hear the boys chant “Santa-cheapskate Santa-cheapskate”, ungrateful little bastards.
I can see why those kids would demand money though because for end of year gifts they all rake in fat wads of cash. Long life span + low birthrate = a shit load of money from relatives. These kids make fat bank from their elders every year, especially adoring grandmothers to grandsons.
I wish I could have gotten cash from my grandparents when I was a kid.
Me: “Wow a sweater that’s too big with the price tag still attached... Grandma you shouldn’t have.
Mom: “Don’t worry you’ll grow into it and she probably got it on sale.”
This is how I imagine it would have gone if I’d gotten money instead:
Grandma: “Here’s some money, spend it on candy, toys or whatever you want.”
Me: “Yey!”
Grandma: “Just don’t go spending it all in one place.”
Me: “Okay.”
Grandma: “Unless its on that cool new video game system.”
Me: “Yey!"
Grandma: “I call dibs on first controller.”
Not that I didn’t get some fabulous presents for Christmas when I was a kid, but there were definitely a lot of duds.
Part of my Santa Claus routine while teaching was to tell the students that if they were good children that on Christmas Santa would bring them presents. I’d walk up to a student and ask, “Have you been a good child?” The kid would nod or say “yes” and I’d hand them an imaginary present.
I asked one little 1st grade girl if she’d been a good child and she flatly said, “NO.” In past classes if a kid did this I’d act distressed then tell them, “Sorry NO present!” Everyone always thought this was hilarious, especially the ‘bad kid.’ So after the little girl claimed to be a bad girl I went up to her face and exclaimed, “SORRY NO PRESENT!” The class laughed, but the little girl burst into tears. Oh crap. Here take all the fake air presents you want just stop crying, but she was inconsolable for the rest of class. Santa struck out on that one.
The teachers kept saying, “Wow you look JUST like Santa Claus!” “Just like Santa, right?” Yes. EXACTLY like Santa!” What the hell. I’m young, not fat, and bought a horribly cheap costume at the 100 yen store. I do not look JUST like Santa. I guess having an authentically Caucasian Santa Claus was enough for them to overlook the obvious flaws in my costume.
One school had some very inquisitive teachers.
Ms T: “Did you bring your costume from America.”
Me: “No I bought it at the 100 yen store.”
Ms T: “Wow so cheap but it looks so good.”
Me: “Yeah…” (cause I’m white.)
Ms N: “Do you like to cosplay.”
Me: “Only as Santa Claus.”
Ms N: “Do you cosplay as Santa Claus every year?”
Me: “Uhh no this is special. First time.”
Ms N: “Will you cosplay at Akihabara?
Me: “No.”
I hadn't occurred to me until then that I wasn’t just dressing up as Santa for kids I was cosplaying. Does everyone think I like to cosplay now or just these teachers? I really hope I don’t get known as the cosplaying teacher.
It was parent conference week the same week I dressed up as Santa so there were tons of parents roaming the hallways. I nearly gave some of these poor women heart attacks because they were so surprised to see a tall white man dressed as Santa coming towards them. “What a surprise!” and “Scary!” were the top two responses of moms after spotting me. This one woman was so startled she leapt up in the air flailing her arms and crashed on her ass. After the initial shock the mom’s would whip out a camera from their purse and take a few unauthorized pics. I didn’t really mind though since I’m pretty much asking for it by ‘cosplaying’ as Santa during parent conference week. Snap away ladies snap away.
At first I’d fend off all who wanted to don Santa’s garb, mostly because I didn’t want sick kids putting on my beard and hat and infecting me. On the last day around lunch I sloughed off the Santa routine and let anybody have a crack at being Santa. By far the most adorable instance was when a 2nd grade boy put on my oversized coat and two other boys crawled in with him wearing the beard and hat. The 2nd grade teacher exclaims, “Look its ‘San’ta!” First let me explain that the Japanese LOVE puns and wordplay. Secondly ‘san’ means 3 in Japanese. So three cute boys wearing full Santa regalia and calling themselves ‘San’ta is so chock full of cuteness and hilarity that everybody thought it was the greatest thing ever. Cameras come out of nowhere for a picture frenzy, ‘San’ta, ‘San’ta Claus, and San-nin Santa-san were all tossed out there as the best pun.
I may be a cosplaying cheapsake who makes little girls cry, but overall the schools loved having somebody who looks JUST like Santa-san come to their school for the holidays.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Japanese TV Part II
But wait there’s more!
I’ve seen a few ‘adopt a family’ shows where British, Aborigine, and Indian families come to Japan to be paraded about. Hah they’re wearing their shoes inside! They don’t know how to use chopsticks and they’re eating with their hands! They are different from us and this is funny.
Each foreign family included six or more children, which is impossibly huge for a Japanese family. I was a freaked out watching these broodlings run amuck in a bathhouse, a sushi restaurant, and a hotel so the Japanese watching must have been horrified.
They have the American movie of the week which is always the worst schlock ever dug up. But hey it’s also totally unedited for content so swear words, violence, and nudity galore. Every American movie on TV is the ultra violent action kind, no weepy dramas or comedies since they don’t translate well. Species, Rambo II, Bad Boys II, and Resident Evil (aka BioHazard in Japan) are just a few of the cinematic gems screened here.
No wonder Japanese think Americans are all violent gun owners. No there aren’t gang shootings and drug wars ALL the time in America, on the weekends we take a break to plot revenge and slap up our hoes.
Naturally all week long I look forward to watching these films. Hurray for duel audio so I can switch back and forth between English and Japanese. Some of the voice actors used are hilarious. I swear a woman voiced Martin Lawrence. Dammmmmmmn, that was funny.
There are way too many karaoke shows on for my taste, hell one is too many.
They are quite fond of the picture in picture technology, using it to show a personality’s reaction on a small screen in the corner to what is happening on main screen. This is quite useful because sometimes I’m watching TV and I don’t quite know how to react.
A sick child = Awwww sad face.
CUTE doggy doing a back flip = happy face!
Fat British kids defiling a temple = disgusted face then laughing face.
There are quite a few foreigners who have sold their souls (or at least their dignities) to be on Japanese television. Nerdy white guys answering trivia questions, stoic afroed black men as bodyguards and shifty Hispanic peddlers are just a smattering of the diversity on television.
Sometimes whitey is on TV giving English lessons. These lessons are awful. I don’t know if these white dudes have been in Japan too long and have forgotten how to use English or if the station won’t let them say anything but their retarded monkey lines. It may be the latter seeing how I know personally how stubborn most teachers are about changing their lesson plans even if the grammar is terrible and the dialogue is something nobody would ever say. But going on national television and saying this crap? Speak up and have some dignity stupid white boy.
Here is an English skit from one of the learning shows:
A white woman realtor shows up at the door of a Japanese woman client. The Japanese woman answers the door.
Japaense woman: “I can’t see yoouuuuu.”
White woman leaps out startling Japanese woman and scaring the hell out of me.
White woman: “HERE I AM!”
Later scary white woman is showing a condo to Japanese woman:
Scary white woman: “How about this one? Does it grab you?”
White woman proceeds to fiercely grab Japanese woman’s arm.
Scary white woman: “So does it GRAB you!?”
For the next 10-15 minutes the show’s hosts, a flying alien character, and the people in the skit practice, “does it grab you?” Who the hell says ‘does it grab you’ then put a death grip around somebody’s wrist? The key phrase for the whole half hour show was to learn ‘does it grab you.’ If you meet a Japanese person and they suddenly seize your arm to ask, ‘does it grab you’ don’t blame cultural differences, instead blame television and the sell out white people that let it happen.
After I wrote the first TV post some people told me that the transvestites on TV are called ‘sexual transformers.’ Now whenever I see them I have a modified Transformers theme running through my head. Transformers more than meets the eye. Transformers men in disguise.
Kojima Yoshio is pretty tame in comparison to Hard Gay. Yes that's his name. He is a masked leather man who goes up to people and humps them. Hard Gay is a personality that was popular a while ago but still pops up every once in awhile.
Here is an older video of Hard Gay complete with subtitle goodness. I can pin point my disgust around the time he meets the children on the playground how about you?
Japanese pro wrestling is just as over the top and stupid as American pro wrestling but in Japan they have kept the crude stereotypes that made American pro-wrestling in the 80's fun. Hard Gay is one of these characters whose main move is mock raping his opponent. Bob Sapp is a beefy black man who spews hateful English at everyone saying he is going to “eat” his opponents. I think pro-wrestling is the place where old personalities go when their popularity has been washed up. I wish Japanese pro-wrestling were on more often though because it’s hilarious. Damn pay per view.
Also, there is a lot of anime.
I’ve seen a few ‘adopt a family’ shows where British, Aborigine, and Indian families come to Japan to be paraded about. Hah they’re wearing their shoes inside! They don’t know how to use chopsticks and they’re eating with their hands! They are different from us and this is funny.
Each foreign family included six or more children, which is impossibly huge for a Japanese family. I was a freaked out watching these broodlings run amuck in a bathhouse, a sushi restaurant, and a hotel so the Japanese watching must have been horrified.
They have the American movie of the week which is always the worst schlock ever dug up. But hey it’s also totally unedited for content so swear words, violence, and nudity galore. Every American movie on TV is the ultra violent action kind, no weepy dramas or comedies since they don’t translate well. Species, Rambo II, Bad Boys II, and Resident Evil (aka BioHazard in Japan) are just a few of the cinematic gems screened here.
No wonder Japanese think Americans are all violent gun owners. No there aren’t gang shootings and drug wars ALL the time in America, on the weekends we take a break to plot revenge and slap up our hoes.
Naturally all week long I look forward to watching these films. Hurray for duel audio so I can switch back and forth between English and Japanese. Some of the voice actors used are hilarious. I swear a woman voiced Martin Lawrence. Dammmmmmmn, that was funny.
There are way too many karaoke shows on for my taste, hell one is too many.
They are quite fond of the picture in picture technology, using it to show a personality’s reaction on a small screen in the corner to what is happening on main screen. This is quite useful because sometimes I’m watching TV and I don’t quite know how to react.
A sick child = Awwww sad face.
CUTE doggy doing a back flip = happy face!
Fat British kids defiling a temple = disgusted face then laughing face.
There are quite a few foreigners who have sold their souls (or at least their dignities) to be on Japanese television. Nerdy white guys answering trivia questions, stoic afroed black men as bodyguards and shifty Hispanic peddlers are just a smattering of the diversity on television.
Sometimes whitey is on TV giving English lessons. These lessons are awful. I don’t know if these white dudes have been in Japan too long and have forgotten how to use English or if the station won’t let them say anything but their retarded monkey lines. It may be the latter seeing how I know personally how stubborn most teachers are about changing their lesson plans even if the grammar is terrible and the dialogue is something nobody would ever say. But going on national television and saying this crap? Speak up and have some dignity stupid white boy.
Here is an English skit from one of the learning shows:
A white woman realtor shows up at the door of a Japanese woman client. The Japanese woman answers the door.
Japaense woman: “I can’t see yoouuuuu.”
White woman leaps out startling Japanese woman and scaring the hell out of me.
White woman: “HERE I AM!”
Later scary white woman is showing a condo to Japanese woman:
Scary white woman: “How about this one? Does it grab you?”
White woman proceeds to fiercely grab Japanese woman’s arm.
Scary white woman: “So does it GRAB you!?”
For the next 10-15 minutes the show’s hosts, a flying alien character, and the people in the skit practice, “does it grab you?” Who the hell says ‘does it grab you’ then put a death grip around somebody’s wrist? The key phrase for the whole half hour show was to learn ‘does it grab you.’ If you meet a Japanese person and they suddenly seize your arm to ask, ‘does it grab you’ don’t blame cultural differences, instead blame television and the sell out white people that let it happen.
After I wrote the first TV post some people told me that the transvestites on TV are called ‘sexual transformers.’ Now whenever I see them I have a modified Transformers theme running through my head. Transformers more than meets the eye. Transformers men in disguise.
Kojima Yoshio is pretty tame in comparison to Hard Gay. Yes that's his name. He is a masked leather man who goes up to people and humps them. Hard Gay is a personality that was popular a while ago but still pops up every once in awhile.
Here is an older video of Hard Gay complete with subtitle goodness. I can pin point my disgust around the time he meets the children on the playground how about you?
Japanese pro wrestling is just as over the top and stupid as American pro wrestling but in Japan they have kept the crude stereotypes that made American pro-wrestling in the 80's fun. Hard Gay is one of these characters whose main move is mock raping his opponent. Bob Sapp is a beefy black man who spews hateful English at everyone saying he is going to “eat” his opponents. I think pro-wrestling is the place where old personalities go when their popularity has been washed up. I wish Japanese pro-wrestling were on more often though because it’s hilarious. Damn pay per view.
Also, there is a lot of anime.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Japanese TV Part I
Japanese television. What the hell. It’s even weirder than I ever imagined. What’s strange is that the more Japanese I understand the worse the shows are. Although only three words: kawaii (cute!), oishii (delicious!) and sugoi (amazing!) are all you need to understand roughly half of all Japanese TV anyway.
The same small ever-rotating group of wacky personalities dominates Japanese TV. All of these ‘celebrities’ are one-dimensional characters that say the same lines and do the ONE little niche thing that makes them famous. It’s like that episode of the Simpson’s where Bart is the ‘I didn’t do it’ kid. Like Bart, these one hit wonder’s routines become stale very fast and are replaced after a few months. But hey that’s okay because there is always a fresh new crop of pigeon holed performers that can do and say only ONE thing.
Here are a few lines from a typical travel/food show where the waitress brings out an enormous plate of well-prepared sushi:
Cute girl with blonde hair: “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks longingly at food*
Cute girl that eats everything: “Itadakimasu!” *shovels every last bit of sushi into her rose bud mouth* “Oishi!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *frowns*
Cute girl with blonde hair: *rubs cute girl that eats everything’s extended belly full of 500 pieces of sushi* “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks around for something else to eat*
Bart Simpson: “Woozle Wuzzle?"
Japanese TV has more transvestites then a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show… in San Francisco. Practically every troupe of personalities has at least one cross dressing she-male in it. Entire shows are dedicated to drag queens gossiping with their ‘lady’ friends ala The View but even scarier. At any given time there will be at least one show on featuring a transvestite giving make overs to real woman, being laughed at by men or strutting his/her stuff for a fashion show.
About a third of the basic channels are home shopping networks selling everything from jewelry to funeral shrines. The strangest things they sell are vibrating exercise machines. Pulsate that belly fat away with a vibrating belt! Got stubborn neck fat? We have mini vibrators to exercise those stubborn areas too! The most disturbing exercise device is the horse-riding simulator. On TV there is a sexy woman riding the machine while staring sensually into the camera. Damn if these things aren’t selling like the Japanese equivalent of hotcakes.
Here is a video of what I’m talking about.
Unfortunately not everybody that rides these machines are sexy ladies. I was at an electronics store where several were on display. Four obasans were bucking rhythmically on their vibrating mechanical steeds. I was already feeling a little sick already but then one of them says, “This feels so good!” I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
The shining light of awesomeness for Japanese TV is the wacky game shows where people are hurt and humiliated. There are extreme challenge shows where contestants go through an obstacle course and 90% end up falling down awkwardly into a pit of muck water. Hah he fell down and got hurt, it’s funny because it’s not me.
My favorite shows are the ones where the contestants are in groups and have to dress up and do something incredibly stupid for money. One such show has a group of three contestants dressed in monkey costumes trying to reach a wad of cash dangling 30 feet above their heads in under three minutes. The monkeys are given miscellaneous items, such as a broom handle and vacuum cleaner attachments, to cobble together an apparatus to snatch the money. The makeshift device always falls apart right before they can reach their prize. The announcers (dressed in medieval European attire) laugh and laugh as the components rain down on the heartbroken contestants heads.
The only show that tops the monkey one is a half extreme challenge half humiliation game show. Groups of morons dressed in shameful jumpsuits have to play human tic tac toe by swinging on vines or contort their body in a hilarious game of human Tetris.
Here is a link to the Tetris game.
When it’s time to sing an English song there will be some boys who bust out the lawnmower dance move, pulling an imaginary string by pumping their fist to the floor. I’d laugh because I thought it was just a lame American dance move that white people do. To my shock and horror I found out where the boys learned the dance move.
Comedian Kojima Yoshio is the current flavor of the month personality. He is EVERYWHERE from game shows to travel shows to cooking shows. Kojima is always in a tighter than tight speedo running around humping random people and objects and performing his song and dance number which includes the lawnmower move.
Beware. Here is a link to Kojima Yoshino. -edit- Censored and removed. If you're really interested then google his name and some pics/videos will come up.
THIS is what the children of Japan are emulating. Yes Japanese TV is definitely weirder than I ever imagined. Many children request a performance of the Kojima dance. Uhhhhh no. I say that it is a Japanese dance and only Japanese can do it then bust into a funky white boy dance for them instead, sans lawnmower of course.
Part 2 coming soon.
The same small ever-rotating group of wacky personalities dominates Japanese TV. All of these ‘celebrities’ are one-dimensional characters that say the same lines and do the ONE little niche thing that makes them famous. It’s like that episode of the Simpson’s where Bart is the ‘I didn’t do it’ kid. Like Bart, these one hit wonder’s routines become stale very fast and are replaced after a few months. But hey that’s okay because there is always a fresh new crop of pigeon holed performers that can do and say only ONE thing.
Here are a few lines from a typical travel/food show where the waitress brings out an enormous plate of well-prepared sushi:
Cute girl with blonde hair: “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks longingly at food*
Cute girl that eats everything: “Itadakimasu!” *shovels every last bit of sushi into her rose bud mouth* “Oishi!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *frowns*
Cute girl with blonde hair: *rubs cute girl that eats everything’s extended belly full of 500 pieces of sushi* “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks around for something else to eat*
Bart Simpson: “Woozle Wuzzle?"
Japanese TV has more transvestites then a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show… in San Francisco. Practically every troupe of personalities has at least one cross dressing she-male in it. Entire shows are dedicated to drag queens gossiping with their ‘lady’ friends ala The View but even scarier. At any given time there will be at least one show on featuring a transvestite giving make overs to real woman, being laughed at by men or strutting his/her stuff for a fashion show.
About a third of the basic channels are home shopping networks selling everything from jewelry to funeral shrines. The strangest things they sell are vibrating exercise machines. Pulsate that belly fat away with a vibrating belt! Got stubborn neck fat? We have mini vibrators to exercise those stubborn areas too! The most disturbing exercise device is the horse-riding simulator. On TV there is a sexy woman riding the machine while staring sensually into the camera. Damn if these things aren’t selling like the Japanese equivalent of hotcakes.
Here is a video of what I’m talking about.
Unfortunately not everybody that rides these machines are sexy ladies. I was at an electronics store where several were on display. Four obasans were bucking rhythmically on their vibrating mechanical steeds. I was already feeling a little sick already but then one of them says, “This feels so good!” I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
The shining light of awesomeness for Japanese TV is the wacky game shows where people are hurt and humiliated. There are extreme challenge shows where contestants go through an obstacle course and 90% end up falling down awkwardly into a pit of muck water. Hah he fell down and got hurt, it’s funny because it’s not me.
My favorite shows are the ones where the contestants are in groups and have to dress up and do something incredibly stupid for money. One such show has a group of three contestants dressed in monkey costumes trying to reach a wad of cash dangling 30 feet above their heads in under three minutes. The monkeys are given miscellaneous items, such as a broom handle and vacuum cleaner attachments, to cobble together an apparatus to snatch the money. The makeshift device always falls apart right before they can reach their prize. The announcers (dressed in medieval European attire) laugh and laugh as the components rain down on the heartbroken contestants heads.
The only show that tops the monkey one is a half extreme challenge half humiliation game show. Groups of morons dressed in shameful jumpsuits have to play human tic tac toe by swinging on vines or contort their body in a hilarious game of human Tetris.
Here is a link to the Tetris game.
When it’s time to sing an English song there will be some boys who bust out the lawnmower dance move, pulling an imaginary string by pumping their fist to the floor. I’d laugh because I thought it was just a lame American dance move that white people do. To my shock and horror I found out where the boys learned the dance move.
Comedian Kojima Yoshio is the current flavor of the month personality. He is EVERYWHERE from game shows to travel shows to cooking shows. Kojima is always in a tighter than tight speedo running around humping random people and objects and performing his song and dance number which includes the lawnmower move.
Beware. Here is a link to Kojima Yoshino. -edit- Censored and removed. If you're really interested then google his name and some pics/videos will come up.
THIS is what the children of Japan are emulating. Yes Japanese TV is definitely weirder than I ever imagined. Many children request a performance of the Kojima dance. Uhhhhh no. I say that it is a Japanese dance and only Japanese can do it then bust into a funky white boy dance for them instead, sans lawnmower of course.
Part 2 coming soon.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Mister Smiley
I've developed a thick skin for people both gawking and laughing in my face, avoiding me like a leper, and being treated like an idiot man child. But damn it some things still really irritate me. In particular unauthorized video taping and picture taking.
I'm minding my own business instructing a class how to verbalize their l's and v's correctly and when I turn my back for a couple seconds BAM the teacher has got a video camera right in my FACE. It's either that or some snap happy PTA mom(s) capturing every precious three to four seconds of class time that her little prince/princess has with the scary gaijin. If I move this way can you get that profile shot you need or is the contrast not quite right? Why don't I stop the lesson so you can get a frontal view of the class with all the adorable brats and me all giving a peace sign V. No? Then GET THE FUNK OUTTA MY FACE.
It's distracting and annoying as hell, but what pisses me off the most is that nobody ever asks my permission. A simple, "mind if I take a few pics, k?" in Japanese or English will suffice or at least a little warning. Freaking camera ninjas come out of nowhere and right when I think I'm nice and safe… CAMERA IN FACE.
After the picture raping I used to always inquire in what manner the violators were going to exploit my likeness. Nobody would ever give me a straight answer. What is this big conspiracy to take my picture and never tell me when, where and why? Is there some pay voyeuristic website with pictures and video of me that only costs 1 yen for the first video and pictures then they jack up the price significantly after your hopelessly hooked. Maybe. Although one time I did find out what happened to a picture that was taken of me.
At the rural school there is a gigantic 3ft by 4ft poster of my FACE holding up and pointing to a flashcard in English. There is a word bubble of me saying, "My name is Michael Teacher. Lets learn English together." I don't remember ever saying that… Anyway the gigantic poster of me, along with being the biggest picture of me I've ever seen, is also the absolute worst picture of me. It looks like I'm sucking a lemon, taking a huge crap in my pants and crying all at the same time. Damn you rural school. My only consolation is that since the school is so small only a few people will ever see it.
A couple weeks ago during first period while I'm still a little sleepy and my guard is down the teacher turns ninja on me and busts some unauthorized pics, nothing unusual. For 3rd period that day I'm forgotten about (yey!) so I use this precious free time to take a nap at my desk. While I'm half asleep none other than Mister Smiley from the board of education comes a walkin' into the room. Oh snap he's from the BOE and I'm sleeping on the job… is what I'd think if it was anyone else, but this is Mister Smiley and he totally ignores me.
Meet Mister Smiley. He is the assistant language teacher coordinator from the BOE. He speaks almost no English. During the compulsory monthly meetings at the BOE he has a translator with him when speaking to the ALTs. Despite this he has somehow fooled everyone into believing he is fluent in English, including all the teachers that do speak English. He truly has a special knack of bowing and smiling while walking backwards away from you and while you're lured in my his false humility he makes his escape. How can somebody that speaks almost no English coordinate all the ALTs and give the teachers that do speak English lesson advice for the entire city? Very very poorly. Not only is he a lying fraud he is also a backstabbing asshole. On several occasions I've asked him to make changes or talk to some people and after smiling and telling me, "of course!" he does nothing. Damn you Mister Smiley you twofaced fraud bastard.
Since he is ignoring me I ignore him back and return to that half awake/half asleep dream land where video games come to life and I'm the quarterback of the San Diego Chargers. Meanwhile Mister Smiley is leisurely chatting away drinking tea with the principal and other office staff for a good 15-20 minutes. I heard my name come up a few times so I drag myself into the real world and see what's going on. On the computer screen that Mister Smiley is at are my unauthorized pictures!
That's the last god damned straw. I'm exposing this fraud once and for all.
I slink up beside Smiley who is startled by my presence, but gives me one of his shit eating grins to mask his underlying fear of English. I give Mister Smiley a hearty pat on the shoulder and start the inquisition.
Me: "HEY! Whatcha lookin' at?"
Smiley: "Yes, okay." *GRINS*
Me: "Sooo what are you doin' on the computer? Are those the pictures of me that were taken first period? What are you gonna do with those?"
Mister Smiley looks like a deer caught in headlights and he can hardly hide his panic with a smile any longer. He rips the usb flash card from the computer, abruptly stands up and bows. With a rush of Japanese he and takes four bounding leaps for the door.
Me: "So I'll see you at the next board of education meeting then!?"
Mister Smiley: "Okay yes bye bye!"
He ran away and totally blew me off.
Hmmm he didn't seem like he was in such a hurry whilst sipping tea and chit chatting with the office staff. Luckily Mr. S who speaks pretty good English came into the room around the time I first went up to Mister Smiley.
Me: "You know Mister Smiley speaks like no English right?
Mr. S: "No he said he is fluent in English."
Me: "Have you ever heard him speak in English. He just blew me off when I tried talking to him."
Mr S: *sudden realization sweeping over his face* "GOODNESS GRACIOUS!"
Me: Hahahahahahahaha
After hearing a young Japanese man say goodness gracious I lost all anger. For every fraud asshole Mister Smiley there is at least 10 cool people like Mr. S who will bust out some random English to make me laugh. Still though I can only wonder what mischievous deeds Mister Smiley is doing with my unauthorized pictures. I'm making it my mission to expose Mister Smiley every chance I get. I've got him scared now and next time I'll make sure he doesn't escape
I'm minding my own business instructing a class how to verbalize their l's and v's correctly and when I turn my back for a couple seconds BAM the teacher has got a video camera right in my FACE. It's either that or some snap happy PTA mom(s) capturing every precious three to four seconds of class time that her little prince/princess has with the scary gaijin. If I move this way can you get that profile shot you need or is the contrast not quite right? Why don't I stop the lesson so you can get a frontal view of the class with all the adorable brats and me all giving a peace sign V. No? Then GET THE FUNK OUTTA MY FACE.
It's distracting and annoying as hell, but what pisses me off the most is that nobody ever asks my permission. A simple, "mind if I take a few pics, k?" in Japanese or English will suffice or at least a little warning. Freaking camera ninjas come out of nowhere and right when I think I'm nice and safe… CAMERA IN FACE.
After the picture raping I used to always inquire in what manner the violators were going to exploit my likeness. Nobody would ever give me a straight answer. What is this big conspiracy to take my picture and never tell me when, where and why? Is there some pay voyeuristic website with pictures and video of me that only costs 1 yen for the first video and pictures then they jack up the price significantly after your hopelessly hooked. Maybe. Although one time I did find out what happened to a picture that was taken of me.
At the rural school there is a gigantic 3ft by 4ft poster of my FACE holding up and pointing to a flashcard in English. There is a word bubble of me saying, "My name is Michael Teacher. Lets learn English together." I don't remember ever saying that… Anyway the gigantic poster of me, along with being the biggest picture of me I've ever seen, is also the absolute worst picture of me. It looks like I'm sucking a lemon, taking a huge crap in my pants and crying all at the same time. Damn you rural school. My only consolation is that since the school is so small only a few people will ever see it.
A couple weeks ago during first period while I'm still a little sleepy and my guard is down the teacher turns ninja on me and busts some unauthorized pics, nothing unusual. For 3rd period that day I'm forgotten about (yey!) so I use this precious free time to take a nap at my desk. While I'm half asleep none other than Mister Smiley from the board of education comes a walkin' into the room. Oh snap he's from the BOE and I'm sleeping on the job… is what I'd think if it was anyone else, but this is Mister Smiley and he totally ignores me.
Meet Mister Smiley. He is the assistant language teacher coordinator from the BOE. He speaks almost no English. During the compulsory monthly meetings at the BOE he has a translator with him when speaking to the ALTs. Despite this he has somehow fooled everyone into believing he is fluent in English, including all the teachers that do speak English. He truly has a special knack of bowing and smiling while walking backwards away from you and while you're lured in my his false humility he makes his escape. How can somebody that speaks almost no English coordinate all the ALTs and give the teachers that do speak English lesson advice for the entire city? Very very poorly. Not only is he a lying fraud he is also a backstabbing asshole. On several occasions I've asked him to make changes or talk to some people and after smiling and telling me, "of course!" he does nothing. Damn you Mister Smiley you twofaced fraud bastard.
Since he is ignoring me I ignore him back and return to that half awake/half asleep dream land where video games come to life and I'm the quarterback of the San Diego Chargers. Meanwhile Mister Smiley is leisurely chatting away drinking tea with the principal and other office staff for a good 15-20 minutes. I heard my name come up a few times so I drag myself into the real world and see what's going on. On the computer screen that Mister Smiley is at are my unauthorized pictures!
That's the last god damned straw. I'm exposing this fraud once and for all.
I slink up beside Smiley who is startled by my presence, but gives me one of his shit eating grins to mask his underlying fear of English. I give Mister Smiley a hearty pat on the shoulder and start the inquisition.
Me: "HEY! Whatcha lookin' at?"
Smiley: "Yes, okay." *GRINS*
Me: "Sooo what are you doin' on the computer? Are those the pictures of me that were taken first period? What are you gonna do with those?"
Mister Smiley looks like a deer caught in headlights and he can hardly hide his panic with a smile any longer. He rips the usb flash card from the computer, abruptly stands up and bows. With a rush of Japanese he and takes four bounding leaps for the door.
Me: "So I'll see you at the next board of education meeting then!?"
Mister Smiley: "Okay yes bye bye!"
He ran away and totally blew me off.
Hmmm he didn't seem like he was in such a hurry whilst sipping tea and chit chatting with the office staff. Luckily Mr. S who speaks pretty good English came into the room around the time I first went up to Mister Smiley.
Me: "You know Mister Smiley speaks like no English right?
Mr. S: "No he said he is fluent in English."
Me: "Have you ever heard him speak in English. He just blew me off when I tried talking to him."
Mr S: *sudden realization sweeping over his face* "GOODNESS GRACIOUS!"
Me: Hahahahahahahaha
After hearing a young Japanese man say goodness gracious I lost all anger. For every fraud asshole Mister Smiley there is at least 10 cool people like Mr. S who will bust out some random English to make me laugh. Still though I can only wonder what mischievous deeds Mister Smiley is doing with my unauthorized pictures. I'm making it my mission to expose Mister Smiley every chance I get. I've got him scared now and next time I'll make sure he doesn't escape
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Kim's Story II: Bad Days
Let me reiterate by saying the students at Kim's school are bad. Boys will randomly yell things at her all the time like, "nice body!" "I love you" and "I want to eat you." This might be cute in elementary school but in junior high it gets creepy especially when there are gangs of them and they make pelvic thrusts to make their point piercingly hard to miss. Most of the girls do not like Kim. Since she doesn't know Japanese she doesn't understand what they are saying but the look on their faces and tone of their voices makes it pretty clear. Also, they have taken to lifting their noses up with their fingers and pointing at her while snorting like pigs.
Boys will slam the classroom sliding door as hard as they can making the whole room shake. While others toss their books into the air trying to make more dents in the ceiling. Boys are always hitting, wrestling and throwing things at each other while the girls look on talking shit and giving the occasional slap themselves. This isn't anything usual from most junior highs except that so much of this horseplay (yes I said horseplay) is unwanted bullying. Kim has seen boys steal other student's books and throw them across the room. Girls will make fun of the fat girl and ostracize her from the rest of the class. Boys will throw erasers and pencils at another student the whole class period. Most of the homeroom teachers see everything going on but just ignore it all.
Bullying has even worse consequences in Japan then in America. In Japan sameness and being part of a collective group that works together is the model ideal. To not be accepted by the group and be an outsider is horrible for the Japanese psyche. Bullying makes kids be loners and afraid. They have no friends and nobody to talk to. These bullied kids can't even talk to the teacher of principal because they don't really care and will never help. The bullied kids only choice is to take the abuse and try to get into high school where they can leave the bullies behind who will probably drop out and get factory or waitress jobs.
The students at Kim's junior high are awful enough, but some of the lessons she has had to teach just make the situation even worse. Some days can be good where the students mostly listen, but then some days can be bad, very bad.
Each teacher has an English song that they make the students sing before class. The better the teacher the better the song. Mrs. M's students really like her song selection because she uses the cd Kim made of modern American songs that are easy to sing. Other teachers like to play the Carpenters so damn much and the kids, especially the boys, HATE the Carpenters. Another song that is overplayed is 'We Will Rock You' from Queen. Does ANYBODY freaking know what is said in that song besides the chorus? It goes so damn fast especially for a group of students trying to learn English. Other songs include indecent ones about giving her man everlasting pleasure and terrible J-Pop songs where the Engrish makes no sense at all.
Kim had to do a variation of the dreaded body parts lesson. After naming the body parts the wacko Mrs. S had Kim say this dialogue, "Do you like your chin? Do you like your hips? Do you like your chest?" Then Mrs. S would give a little waggle of the aforementioned areas and say, "sssseeexxy!" Oh how the students laughed and laughed.
Ms. I had another version of an inappropriate body parts lesson. Kim had to ask the students, "Can I massage your shoulders? Can I sit on you lap?" Ms. I wanted Kim to actually touch the students by massaging and sitting on them. Uhhh No. YOU sit and massage the horny smelly junior high kids because Kim sure as hell wasn't going to do it. In the end Kim said the words and then acted out the motions of the dialogue.
What the hell is with this body parts lesson anyway? First I have elementary school kids grabbing and slapping each other then Kim has to say these embarrassingly inappropriate things at the junior high school. I had yet another version of this lesson as well where the students had to draw a picture of a person after I called out the body part in English. Sure I said words like, "head, legs, and hands" but did I say penis? I guess it didn't matter because many boys proudly held up their drawing complete with tallywagger. The drawing that had the biggest penis of them all was a picture of ME. I did not correct the boy but instead patted him on the head and gave him a, "good boy."
Kim had a lesson where the students would ask, "What's this?" and hold up something in front of Sam. After several pencils and books one kid who is known as a bully went to his backpack and pulled out a knife. "What's this?" Waving a switchblade in Kim's face. "…A knife…" Mrs. S laughs and the student smugly walks back to his seat. If this was America that kid would have been jumped by the FBI labeled a terrorist and sent to Guantanamo or at the least been expelled from school, but this is Japan and he is just another class clown with a knife. Mrs. S thought the knife was pretty clever and went to grab something else hilariously different from off of the top of a file cabinet. Instead she did something even funnier by knocking a vase to the floor. Glass splashed everywhere. After that the kids were gone for the day laughing their collective asses off and cleaning up shards of glass.
Another weird day was when Kim was teaching and a boy got his head stuck in his chair. Now kids are always getting out of their seats to walk or crawl around, but why the hell did he stick his head into the crevice where the seat and back of the chair meet? This of course is a huge distraction so Kim tries to help the poor kid by lifting him up and tilting him at an angle to hoist him out, other students help too. Of course other students 'helping' just makes the situation wilder. Another trickster takes this opportunity to put fake poop under an (unpopular) kid's seat. This kid is super creepy because all he does all class every class is cut paper. Does the cutting take him back to a simpler time in elementary school or perhaps he's making confetti for a stuffed animal parade… nobody knows. Anyway it really looked like this creepy unpopular kid took a fat dump on the floor. This was too funny and even Kim laughed along with the rest of the class. She disposed of the phony feces (in the plastic recycling receptacle.) Finally the kid stuck in the chair was pulled out with the effort of the entire class, quite the team building exercise.
Last week in a class that Kim was teaching a chubby kid was getting eraser chunks tossed at his head all class long and then snapped. He uses his pent up frustration and rage to slam the bully against the wall and starts pounding him in the face and pulling out his hair. The chubby student then breaks down and cries and asks to go home early which he does. No punishment for the bully or the kid who left several chunks of the bullies' hair and splatters of blood on the floor. The bully is the same kid who brandished the switchblade in Kim's face. Hopefully things don't escalate any further.
Boys will slam the classroom sliding door as hard as they can making the whole room shake. While others toss their books into the air trying to make more dents in the ceiling. Boys are always hitting, wrestling and throwing things at each other while the girls look on talking shit and giving the occasional slap themselves. This isn't anything usual from most junior highs except that so much of this horseplay (yes I said horseplay) is unwanted bullying. Kim has seen boys steal other student's books and throw them across the room. Girls will make fun of the fat girl and ostracize her from the rest of the class. Boys will throw erasers and pencils at another student the whole class period. Most of the homeroom teachers see everything going on but just ignore it all.
Bullying has even worse consequences in Japan then in America. In Japan sameness and being part of a collective group that works together is the model ideal. To not be accepted by the group and be an outsider is horrible for the Japanese psyche. Bullying makes kids be loners and afraid. They have no friends and nobody to talk to. These bullied kids can't even talk to the teacher of principal because they don't really care and will never help. The bullied kids only choice is to take the abuse and try to get into high school where they can leave the bullies behind who will probably drop out and get factory or waitress jobs.
The students at Kim's junior high are awful enough, but some of the lessons she has had to teach just make the situation even worse. Some days can be good where the students mostly listen, but then some days can be bad, very bad.
Each teacher has an English song that they make the students sing before class. The better the teacher the better the song. Mrs. M's students really like her song selection because she uses the cd Kim made of modern American songs that are easy to sing. Other teachers like to play the Carpenters so damn much and the kids, especially the boys, HATE the Carpenters. Another song that is overplayed is 'We Will Rock You' from Queen. Does ANYBODY freaking know what is said in that song besides the chorus? It goes so damn fast especially for a group of students trying to learn English. Other songs include indecent ones about giving her man everlasting pleasure and terrible J-Pop songs where the Engrish makes no sense at all.
Kim had to do a variation of the dreaded body parts lesson. After naming the body parts the wacko Mrs. S had Kim say this dialogue, "Do you like your chin? Do you like your hips? Do you like your chest?" Then Mrs. S would give a little waggle of the aforementioned areas and say, "sssseeexxy!" Oh how the students laughed and laughed.
Ms. I had another version of an inappropriate body parts lesson. Kim had to ask the students, "Can I massage your shoulders? Can I sit on you lap?" Ms. I wanted Kim to actually touch the students by massaging and sitting on them. Uhhh No. YOU sit and massage the horny smelly junior high kids because Kim sure as hell wasn't going to do it. In the end Kim said the words and then acted out the motions of the dialogue.
What the hell is with this body parts lesson anyway? First I have elementary school kids grabbing and slapping each other then Kim has to say these embarrassingly inappropriate things at the junior high school. I had yet another version of this lesson as well where the students had to draw a picture of a person after I called out the body part in English. Sure I said words like, "head, legs, and hands" but did I say penis? I guess it didn't matter because many boys proudly held up their drawing complete with tallywagger. The drawing that had the biggest penis of them all was a picture of ME. I did not correct the boy but instead patted him on the head and gave him a, "good boy."
Kim had a lesson where the students would ask, "What's this?" and hold up something in front of Sam. After several pencils and books one kid who is known as a bully went to his backpack and pulled out a knife. "What's this?" Waving a switchblade in Kim's face. "…A knife…" Mrs. S laughs and the student smugly walks back to his seat. If this was America that kid would have been jumped by the FBI labeled a terrorist and sent to Guantanamo or at the least been expelled from school, but this is Japan and he is just another class clown with a knife. Mrs. S thought the knife was pretty clever and went to grab something else hilariously different from off of the top of a file cabinet. Instead she did something even funnier by knocking a vase to the floor. Glass splashed everywhere. After that the kids were gone for the day laughing their collective asses off and cleaning up shards of glass.
Another weird day was when Kim was teaching and a boy got his head stuck in his chair. Now kids are always getting out of their seats to walk or crawl around, but why the hell did he stick his head into the crevice where the seat and back of the chair meet? This of course is a huge distraction so Kim tries to help the poor kid by lifting him up and tilting him at an angle to hoist him out, other students help too. Of course other students 'helping' just makes the situation wilder. Another trickster takes this opportunity to put fake poop under an (unpopular) kid's seat. This kid is super creepy because all he does all class every class is cut paper. Does the cutting take him back to a simpler time in elementary school or perhaps he's making confetti for a stuffed animal parade… nobody knows. Anyway it really looked like this creepy unpopular kid took a fat dump on the floor. This was too funny and even Kim laughed along with the rest of the class. She disposed of the phony feces (in the plastic recycling receptacle.) Finally the kid stuck in the chair was pulled out with the effort of the entire class, quite the team building exercise.
Last week in a class that Kim was teaching a chubby kid was getting eraser chunks tossed at his head all class long and then snapped. He uses his pent up frustration and rage to slam the bully against the wall and starts pounding him in the face and pulling out his hair. The chubby student then breaks down and cries and asks to go home early which he does. No punishment for the bully or the kid who left several chunks of the bullies' hair and splatters of blood on the floor. The bully is the same kid who brandished the switchblade in Kim's face. Hopefully things don't escalate any further.
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