Japan is a country of contradictions. People are super polite but will stare at me with no shame whatsoever. Children stare me down wherever I go, store clerks follow me like I'm going to rob the place, and old people mouths agape, gawk like I'm a circus freak. I was walking to work one day and one such grandmotherly bicyclist across the street collided with a fence because she was so intent on staring at me.
Another contradiction, the toilets here are either awesome or horrible. There is the ultra modern toilet that plays soothing music whilst crapping, has an air freshener button, a heated seat, and a built in bidet. Am I at an expensive day spa in Beverly Hills? No! I just pooped at McDonalds. Then there is the squat toilet. Many squat toilets are old and smell like a garbage dump after it rains and they look like somebody took a urinal, put it face up on the ground and let it rust. The worst part is to use it one has to crouch and hover a few inches off the ground. For someone that has used a western toilet his entire life this is quite difficult. I was in a situation where I had to use a squat toilet once. It was unpleasant. A country so advanced as to have brought us the Nintento Wii, creepy robot children, and splendiferous day-spa-like experience toilets should know better than to have disgusting squat toilets. I can forgive the rape of Nanking, the Bataan death march, and the panty vending machines; but the continued proliferation of the squat toilet when one has such an amazing alterative is completely unforgivable.
The Japanese really like John Lennon, although I've yet to hear anyone say anything positive about Yoko Ono…
Another dead American singer the Japanese enjoy is Karen Carpenter of the Carpenters. One of the best selling American albums last year? The Carpenters. Why? I guess because the English is easy to understand but still… it's the Carpenters... I might as well be listening to Donny Osmond. The schools play the Carpenter's over the load speaker a lot and make the kids sing the songs which amuses me because…
In college I saw a movie about the Carpenters done entirely with Barbie dolls chronicling the brother and sister group's rise through 1970s wholesome Americana music scene. The film also dealt with the darker side of the Carpenters such as Karen Carpenter's failed marriages, bulimia and sudden death and her brother's homosexuality and drug abuse. The emblematic nature of the film impacted me by raising my awareness of our societies image consciousness. But mostly now whenever I hear a Carpenter's song I imagine Barbie dolls swearing profusely and swilling ipecac to induce vomiting.
When a Carpenter's song is playing I apparently have a very amused look on my face and this gets interpreted as enjoyment of the music. Teacher: "Oh you really like the Carpenter's don't you!" Me: "…yes?" Teacher: "So what's your favorite song?" Me: "Uhhh this one?" Teacher: "ME TOO." Then the teacher proceeds to gush about how fantastic the Carpenters are and I'm already committed to agreement. Damn Carpenters.
The western man coming to Japan because he wants to find a Japanese woman who doesn't find him repulsive and willingly indulges in his Sailor Moon fetish is a well-documented fact. Google it. So I thought that the Japanese would be resentful of western guys coming to their country trying to hook up with their wimmins. Nope. In fact for the most part it seems to be the exact opposite. Many a broken heart of Japanese girls are littered in my wake after telling them that I have an American wife with me in Japan.
I was at a PTA meeting with about 50-60 teachers, parents and students who, like most Japanese, were very curious about my personal life. PTA: (hopeful) "So do you have a Japanese girlfriend yet?" Me: "No, I have a wife that lives with me in Japan." PTA: (excited) "Wow REALLY! A Japanese wife? Is that why you moved here? Do you have any children?" Me: "No. My wife's American." A look of complete shock and dejection sweeps over their faces as if I told them Miyazaki movies suck and he stole all his ideas from Disney. I felt so guilty that I wanted to console them by saying Japanese women are so crazy sexy and if I wasn't already married I'd be hittin' every piece of Japanese ass I could get my pasty white hands on, you know, to make them feel better.
Okay, so maybe the women think its honky dorky for Japanese chicks to hook up with western guys that come to Japan, but what I also found shocking was the men don't mind either. Men are equally curious about my personal life and if I have a Japanese girlfriend and look just as disappointed when I tell them otherwise. One male teacher was very poignant when he told me, "Oh, that's too bad. You would do VERY well here." Then, just in case I missed the point, makes a kissy face and a pelvic thrust. I'd be creeped out by this already, but it was made way creepier because we were in class at the time and thirty-odd students were watching us.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Musings about Japan
Kim and I live together in a town of about 100,000 people just an hour by train from Tokyo. I work at five, yes FIVE, elementary schools and Kim works at one junior high and one elementary school.
Here are a few musings I've had so far...
So I had to get a car to drive to the various far flung schools I work at. My car is small. Small even for a Japanese car. The teachers and other Japanese people think it’s sooo hilarious. “Wow!BIG American in small Japanese car! In America your car is so big but in Japan so small… so small.”
Kids can’t hide their emotions when they see me so I get yelled at all the time. Astonished kids point at me and scream, “Takai takai segatakai!” Tall tall tall! Or, “Me aoi me aoi!” Blue eyes blue eyes! “How tall are you?” (I answer) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” “What’s your shoe size?” (I answer) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” God damn I’m not THAT big.
Speaking of shoe size I forgot to bring some indoor shoe with me so I had to go to the shoe outlet here. I’m a size 12 which is roughly 30cm. They had ONE pair of shoes at the store that were 30cm. Well, at least they were cheap.
Speaking of cheap the Japanese really like to make fun of Chinese products. “Oh the cup broke, it was probably made in China.” *Laughs* “You can buy a bicycle for only $50 but it will fall apart in a year… it’s made in China.” *Laughs.*
The schools play strange music over the load speaker different times during the day. At the biggest elementary school instead of the usual classical music which accompanies cleaning time they have to work by a military drum beat which sounds like a Nazi death squad. They really put those kids to work though making them scrub on their hands and knees and clean everything from the teacher’s room to the bathrooms. At lunch time the two rural schools I work at both play bizarre mix of electronica, 80’s hair band, and J-Pop music as if the opening music to Jem and Gundum Wing merged and was sung by Devo. (Too many references.)
I have to eat lunch everyday with the students. Usually it’s fine, but sometimes not so much. One day I was eating lunch with some 3rd graders. One mischievous boy asks me, “How big is your penis? Do you have big American penis?” Whenever I get asked any type of personal or sexual type questions I either ignore them or say I don’t understand, (it happens A LOT), and they usually drop it. The girl next to the boy says, “Why do you want to know! You have a small penis.” Everybody laughs and boy hangs head in defeat. She goes on to proclaim, “All Japanese boys have very small penises.” Everybody laughs together in agreement.
Sometimes students want me to sign autographs for them, which is funny and kind of cute so I oblige feeling somewhat like a rock star. The good feeling ends quickly when a swarm of kids want me to sign everything from their notebook, to their pencil box, to their face. The entire class and then the whole school wants a little piece of maikeru sensei… not because they really want it but because other kids have it. I now refuse most autographs. I need a manager.
Just because my name is Michael I'm not Michael Jackson although many Japanese kids (and some adults) don't seem to know the differance. I now hate my name more than ever. Why do so many little Japanese kids know about Michael Jackson anyway?
Japanese kids, mostly boys, are all over each other. They hug, slap, kick, and poke the shit out of each other. Sometimes these kids think I’m their friend as well as their teacher and that maybe, maybe I would enjoy a little poke… NO I WOULD NOT. One boy poked me in the ass on the stairs and I had to stop myself from throwing him out the window. Another boy walked up smiling at me and waving and then poked me right in the balls. The BALLS. I grabbed his arm and wrenched it back and lifting him up I yelled in his terrified face NO! STOP! BAD! In English and Japanese. Then I turn around and the Vice Principal is right in front of me. He smiles at me and laughs then walks off. What the hell? I get poked in the balls and nearly tear the arm off an eight year old and he laughs? I can never count on other teachers to save me from the kids. Before when I got swarmed by students I would wait patiently. Now I just charge through them, if some of them have to fall, well it was for the greater good. Bonzai!
I can never go back to shitty customer service in America. In American restaurants I have to wait for the waiter or yell to get their attention. If a waiter happens to come by and I ask for a minute they end up taking forever. After I finish chewing on the ice cubes of the water they gave me 20 minutes later NOW it might be worth their time to take my order.
In Japan they will bend over backwards (or more likely forwards) to serve you. Instead of waiting for self entitled would be actor/actress waiters I press a bell at my table and in 10 seconds or less a Japanese waiter will be sprinting towards my table ready to serve me in a courteous and helpful manner. All this and they never get any tips because it Japan there is no tipping. Awesome.
The Japanese are caffeine addicts. They are always drinking green tea or coffee or something. There are at least three vending machines on every block serving all manner of green tea, coffee, and energy drinks. Even the bottled water has caffeine in it. Super Poceri Sweat Energy Water!
Pachinko parlors smell. Think of the worst ventilated casino in Reno. Yes it is that bad. Walking to the train station in the morning there was about 20-30 guys smoking and reading manga waiting for the pachinko parlor to open to gamble their lives away. I was wondering where the creepy looking loners at the ramen shops hang out during the day.
For having a really great universal heath care system the dentistry in Japan is something to be desired. When a teacher comes to talk to me face to face and they have brown buck teeth or fangs at the top of their gum line it freaks me out a little and it is really hard to concentrate on anything except the jagged snaggle teeth protruding from their mouths. I know this sounds kind of mean but it really is disconcerning when Elementary children’s teeth are already yellow or brown. All this and EVERYONE at the school brushes their teeth religiously after lunch. I don’t get it.
I still get a kick out of seeing American celebrities in Japanese advertising. So Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t want public attention? They sure like being in commercials and ads for cell phones and make up. Orlando Bloom is even a bad actor in a 30 second commercial where he doesn’t speak. Also, Cameron Diaz… you aren’t hot. Somebody had to tell you and it’s me. So get the hell out of every other commercial and ad in Japan you skinny blonde crazy eyed bitch.
Here are a few musings I've had so far...
So I had to get a car to drive to the various far flung schools I work at. My car is small. Small even for a Japanese car. The teachers and other Japanese people think it’s sooo hilarious. “Wow!BIG American in small Japanese car! In America your car is so big but in Japan so small… so small.”
Kids can’t hide their emotions when they see me so I get yelled at all the time. Astonished kids point at me and scream, “Takai takai segatakai!” Tall tall tall! Or, “Me aoi me aoi!” Blue eyes blue eyes! “How tall are you?” (I answer) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” “What’s your shoe size?” (I answer) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” God damn I’m not THAT big.
Speaking of shoe size I forgot to bring some indoor shoe with me so I had to go to the shoe outlet here. I’m a size 12 which is roughly 30cm. They had ONE pair of shoes at the store that were 30cm. Well, at least they were cheap.
Speaking of cheap the Japanese really like to make fun of Chinese products. “Oh the cup broke, it was probably made in China.” *Laughs* “You can buy a bicycle for only $50 but it will fall apart in a year… it’s made in China.” *Laughs.*
The schools play strange music over the load speaker different times during the day. At the biggest elementary school instead of the usual classical music which accompanies cleaning time they have to work by a military drum beat which sounds like a Nazi death squad. They really put those kids to work though making them scrub on their hands and knees and clean everything from the teacher’s room to the bathrooms. At lunch time the two rural schools I work at both play bizarre mix of electronica, 80’s hair band, and J-Pop music as if the opening music to Jem and Gundum Wing merged and was sung by Devo. (Too many references.)
I have to eat lunch everyday with the students. Usually it’s fine, but sometimes not so much. One day I was eating lunch with some 3rd graders. One mischievous boy asks me, “How big is your penis? Do you have big American penis?” Whenever I get asked any type of personal or sexual type questions I either ignore them or say I don’t understand, (it happens A LOT), and they usually drop it. The girl next to the boy says, “Why do you want to know! You have a small penis.” Everybody laughs and boy hangs head in defeat. She goes on to proclaim, “All Japanese boys have very small penises.” Everybody laughs together in agreement.
Sometimes students want me to sign autographs for them, which is funny and kind of cute so I oblige feeling somewhat like a rock star. The good feeling ends quickly when a swarm of kids want me to sign everything from their notebook, to their pencil box, to their face. The entire class and then the whole school wants a little piece of maikeru sensei… not because they really want it but because other kids have it. I now refuse most autographs. I need a manager.
Just because my name is Michael I'm not Michael Jackson although many Japanese kids (and some adults) don't seem to know the differance. I now hate my name more than ever. Why do so many little Japanese kids know about Michael Jackson anyway?
Japanese kids, mostly boys, are all over each other. They hug, slap, kick, and poke the shit out of each other. Sometimes these kids think I’m their friend as well as their teacher and that maybe, maybe I would enjoy a little poke… NO I WOULD NOT. One boy poked me in the ass on the stairs and I had to stop myself from throwing him out the window. Another boy walked up smiling at me and waving and then poked me right in the balls. The BALLS. I grabbed his arm and wrenched it back and lifting him up I yelled in his terrified face NO! STOP! BAD! In English and Japanese. Then I turn around and the Vice Principal is right in front of me. He smiles at me and laughs then walks off. What the hell? I get poked in the balls and nearly tear the arm off an eight year old and he laughs? I can never count on other teachers to save me from the kids. Before when I got swarmed by students I would wait patiently. Now I just charge through them, if some of them have to fall, well it was for the greater good. Bonzai!
I can never go back to shitty customer service in America. In American restaurants I have to wait for the waiter or yell to get their attention. If a waiter happens to come by and I ask for a minute they end up taking forever. After I finish chewing on the ice cubes of the water they gave me 20 minutes later NOW it might be worth their time to take my order.
In Japan they will bend over backwards (or more likely forwards) to serve you. Instead of waiting for self entitled would be actor/actress waiters I press a bell at my table and in 10 seconds or less a Japanese waiter will be sprinting towards my table ready to serve me in a courteous and helpful manner. All this and they never get any tips because it Japan there is no tipping. Awesome.
The Japanese are caffeine addicts. They are always drinking green tea or coffee or something. There are at least three vending machines on every block serving all manner of green tea, coffee, and energy drinks. Even the bottled water has caffeine in it. Super Poceri Sweat Energy Water!
Pachinko parlors smell. Think of the worst ventilated casino in Reno. Yes it is that bad. Walking to the train station in the morning there was about 20-30 guys smoking and reading manga waiting for the pachinko parlor to open to gamble their lives away. I was wondering where the creepy looking loners at the ramen shops hang out during the day.
For having a really great universal heath care system the dentistry in Japan is something to be desired. When a teacher comes to talk to me face to face and they have brown buck teeth or fangs at the top of their gum line it freaks me out a little and it is really hard to concentrate on anything except the jagged snaggle teeth protruding from their mouths. I know this sounds kind of mean but it really is disconcerning when Elementary children’s teeth are already yellow or brown. All this and EVERYONE at the school brushes their teeth religiously after lunch. I don’t get it.
I still get a kick out of seeing American celebrities in Japanese advertising. So Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t want public attention? They sure like being in commercials and ads for cell phones and make up. Orlando Bloom is even a bad actor in a 30 second commercial where he doesn’t speak. Also, Cameron Diaz… you aren’t hot. Somebody had to tell you and it’s me. So get the hell out of every other commercial and ad in Japan you skinny blonde crazy eyed bitch.
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