The holidays are finally here! Let’s see there is the Emperor’s birthday, New Years and… of yeah Christmas! Despite the fact that Japan is less than 1% Christian Christmas has caught on with the Japanese because it’s yet another excuse for shopping. I thought Americans spent a lot of money to buy new nice things all the time but damn the Japanese take it to another level. When everyday thrift stores carry flat screen tvs, furs, rolex watches and Louis Vuitton bags in the latest style (or so I’m told) then you know you’re in a rich country that likes to shop.
The week before Christmas (and a two week vacation!) I thought it would be fun to dress up as Santa Claus at the elementary schools. Gee I wonder if they’ll like it? Oh my god… Have you ever been chased by a hundred screaming children before? Instinct kicks in and I ran for it. I backed up against a wall so Santa wouldn’t get any fingers in the butt, braced myself for all the grabby hands and screaming, and let the swarm come upon me. Yes, yes I think they like it.
Shouts of ‘Santa-san’, ‘Santa-sensei’ or ‘Michael-Santa’ echoed through the hallways whenever I came near. There’s this black guy on TV right now that dresses up as Santa Claus called… Black Santa. So I got quite a few “Black Santa” remarks as well. Yes, Japan is a very very isolated country. A typical reaction from children would first be surprise then happy recognition and then grabby and demanding for presents and money. Some kids were definitely greedier than others.
Typical Kid:
T Kid: “Woah it’s Santa! Where’s my present?” *sticks out hands for presents*
Me: “Not until Christmas.”
T Kid: “Okay!” *gives me a high five and walks away*
Greedy Kid:
G Kid: “Santa! SANTA! Gimmie presents!” *sticks out hands for presents*
Me: “Not until Christmas.”
G Kid: “I want presents now! Give me money!” *steals my hat or yanks off my beard*
There was a particularly determined group of a dozen boys who were all greedy buggers demanding Santa’s hard earned yen. I thought it would be a good idea to give the kids a little something. I pull out my wallet to the surprise and delight of the crowd and:
Me: “HERE YOU GO.” *hands kid a one yen coin*
G Kid 1: “One yen? Cheap! Santa is a cheapskate!”
Me: “Santa is not rich.”
G Kid 2: “That’s soooooo cheap.”
G Kid 3: “Santa-cheapskate Santa-cheapskate!”
Walking back to the refuge of the teacher’s room I hear the boys chant “Santa-cheapskate Santa-cheapskate”, ungrateful little bastards.
I can see why those kids would demand money though because for end of year gifts they all rake in fat wads of cash. Long life span + low birthrate = a shit load of money from relatives. These kids make fat bank from their elders every year, especially adoring grandmothers to grandsons.
I wish I could have gotten cash from my grandparents when I was a kid.
Me: “Wow a sweater that’s too big with the price tag still attached... Grandma you shouldn’t have.
Mom: “Don’t worry you’ll grow into it and she probably got it on sale.”
This is how I imagine it would have gone if I’d gotten money instead:
Grandma: “Here’s some money, spend it on candy, toys or whatever you want.”
Me: “Yey!”
Grandma: “Just don’t go spending it all in one place.”
Me: “Okay.”
Grandma: “Unless its on that cool new video game system.”
Me: “Yey!"
Grandma: “I call dibs on first controller.”
Not that I didn’t get some fabulous presents for Christmas when I was a kid, but there were definitely a lot of duds.
Part of my Santa Claus routine while teaching was to tell the students that if they were good children that on Christmas Santa would bring them presents. I’d walk up to a student and ask, “Have you been a good child?” The kid would nod or say “yes” and I’d hand them an imaginary present.
I asked one little 1st grade girl if she’d been a good child and she flatly said, “NO.” In past classes if a kid did this I’d act distressed then tell them, “Sorry NO present!” Everyone always thought this was hilarious, especially the ‘bad kid.’ So after the little girl claimed to be a bad girl I went up to her face and exclaimed, “SORRY NO PRESENT!” The class laughed, but the little girl burst into tears. Oh crap. Here take all the fake air presents you want just stop crying, but she was inconsolable for the rest of class. Santa struck out on that one.
The teachers kept saying, “Wow you look JUST like Santa Claus!” “Just like Santa, right?” Yes. EXACTLY like Santa!” What the hell. I’m young, not fat, and bought a horribly cheap costume at the 100 yen store. I do not look JUST like Santa. I guess having an authentically Caucasian Santa Claus was enough for them to overlook the obvious flaws in my costume.
One school had some very inquisitive teachers.
Ms T: “Did you bring your costume from America.”
Me: “No I bought it at the 100 yen store.”
Ms T: “Wow so cheap but it looks so good.”
Me: “Yeah…” (cause I’m white.)
Ms N: “Do you like to cosplay.”
Me: “Only as Santa Claus.”
Ms N: “Do you cosplay as Santa Claus every year?”
Me: “Uhh no this is special. First time.”
Ms N: “Will you cosplay at Akihabara?
Me: “No.”
I hadn't occurred to me until then that I wasn’t just dressing up as Santa for kids I was cosplaying. Does everyone think I like to cosplay now or just these teachers? I really hope I don’t get known as the cosplaying teacher.
It was parent conference week the same week I dressed up as Santa so there were tons of parents roaming the hallways. I nearly gave some of these poor women heart attacks because they were so surprised to see a tall white man dressed as Santa coming towards them. “What a surprise!” and “Scary!” were the top two responses of moms after spotting me. This one woman was so startled she leapt up in the air flailing her arms and crashed on her ass. After the initial shock the mom’s would whip out a camera from their purse and take a few unauthorized pics. I didn’t really mind though since I’m pretty much asking for it by ‘cosplaying’ as Santa during parent conference week. Snap away ladies snap away.
At first I’d fend off all who wanted to don Santa’s garb, mostly because I didn’t want sick kids putting on my beard and hat and infecting me. On the last day around lunch I sloughed off the Santa routine and let anybody have a crack at being Santa. By far the most adorable instance was when a 2nd grade boy put on my oversized coat and two other boys crawled in with him wearing the beard and hat. The 2nd grade teacher exclaims, “Look its ‘San’ta!” First let me explain that the Japanese LOVE puns and wordplay. Secondly ‘san’ means 3 in Japanese. So three cute boys wearing full Santa regalia and calling themselves ‘San’ta is so chock full of cuteness and hilarity that everybody thought it was the greatest thing ever. Cameras come out of nowhere for a picture frenzy, ‘San’ta, ‘San’ta Claus, and San-nin Santa-san were all tossed out there as the best pun.
I may be a cosplaying cheapsake who makes little girls cry, but overall the schools loved having somebody who looks JUST like Santa-san come to their school for the holidays.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Japanese TV Part II
But wait there’s more!
I’ve seen a few ‘adopt a family’ shows where British, Aborigine, and Indian families come to Japan to be paraded about. Hah they’re wearing their shoes inside! They don’t know how to use chopsticks and they’re eating with their hands! They are different from us and this is funny.
Each foreign family included six or more children, which is impossibly huge for a Japanese family. I was a freaked out watching these broodlings run amuck in a bathhouse, a sushi restaurant, and a hotel so the Japanese watching must have been horrified.
They have the American movie of the week which is always the worst schlock ever dug up. But hey it’s also totally unedited for content so swear words, violence, and nudity galore. Every American movie on TV is the ultra violent action kind, no weepy dramas or comedies since they don’t translate well. Species, Rambo II, Bad Boys II, and Resident Evil (aka BioHazard in Japan) are just a few of the cinematic gems screened here.
No wonder Japanese think Americans are all violent gun owners. No there aren’t gang shootings and drug wars ALL the time in America, on the weekends we take a break to plot revenge and slap up our hoes.
Naturally all week long I look forward to watching these films. Hurray for duel audio so I can switch back and forth between English and Japanese. Some of the voice actors used are hilarious. I swear a woman voiced Martin Lawrence. Dammmmmmmn, that was funny.
There are way too many karaoke shows on for my taste, hell one is too many.
They are quite fond of the picture in picture technology, using it to show a personality’s reaction on a small screen in the corner to what is happening on main screen. This is quite useful because sometimes I’m watching TV and I don’t quite know how to react.
A sick child = Awwww sad face.
CUTE doggy doing a back flip = happy face!
Fat British kids defiling a temple = disgusted face then laughing face.
There are quite a few foreigners who have sold their souls (or at least their dignities) to be on Japanese television. Nerdy white guys answering trivia questions, stoic afroed black men as bodyguards and shifty Hispanic peddlers are just a smattering of the diversity on television.
Sometimes whitey is on TV giving English lessons. These lessons are awful. I don’t know if these white dudes have been in Japan too long and have forgotten how to use English or if the station won’t let them say anything but their retarded monkey lines. It may be the latter seeing how I know personally how stubborn most teachers are about changing their lesson plans even if the grammar is terrible and the dialogue is something nobody would ever say. But going on national television and saying this crap? Speak up and have some dignity stupid white boy.
Here is an English skit from one of the learning shows:
A white woman realtor shows up at the door of a Japanese woman client. The Japanese woman answers the door.
Japaense woman: “I can’t see yoouuuuu.”
White woman leaps out startling Japanese woman and scaring the hell out of me.
White woman: “HERE I AM!”
Later scary white woman is showing a condo to Japanese woman:
Scary white woman: “How about this one? Does it grab you?”
White woman proceeds to fiercely grab Japanese woman’s arm.
Scary white woman: “So does it GRAB you!?”
For the next 10-15 minutes the show’s hosts, a flying alien character, and the people in the skit practice, “does it grab you?” Who the hell says ‘does it grab you’ then put a death grip around somebody’s wrist? The key phrase for the whole half hour show was to learn ‘does it grab you.’ If you meet a Japanese person and they suddenly seize your arm to ask, ‘does it grab you’ don’t blame cultural differences, instead blame television and the sell out white people that let it happen.
After I wrote the first TV post some people told me that the transvestites on TV are called ‘sexual transformers.’ Now whenever I see them I have a modified Transformers theme running through my head. Transformers more than meets the eye. Transformers men in disguise.
Kojima Yoshio is pretty tame in comparison to Hard Gay. Yes that's his name. He is a masked leather man who goes up to people and humps them. Hard Gay is a personality that was popular a while ago but still pops up every once in awhile.
Here is an older video of Hard Gay complete with subtitle goodness. I can pin point my disgust around the time he meets the children on the playground how about you?
Japanese pro wrestling is just as over the top and stupid as American pro wrestling but in Japan they have kept the crude stereotypes that made American pro-wrestling in the 80's fun. Hard Gay is one of these characters whose main move is mock raping his opponent. Bob Sapp is a beefy black man who spews hateful English at everyone saying he is going to “eat” his opponents. I think pro-wrestling is the place where old personalities go when their popularity has been washed up. I wish Japanese pro-wrestling were on more often though because it’s hilarious. Damn pay per view.
Also, there is a lot of anime.
I’ve seen a few ‘adopt a family’ shows where British, Aborigine, and Indian families come to Japan to be paraded about. Hah they’re wearing their shoes inside! They don’t know how to use chopsticks and they’re eating with their hands! They are different from us and this is funny.
Each foreign family included six or more children, which is impossibly huge for a Japanese family. I was a freaked out watching these broodlings run amuck in a bathhouse, a sushi restaurant, and a hotel so the Japanese watching must have been horrified.
They have the American movie of the week which is always the worst schlock ever dug up. But hey it’s also totally unedited for content so swear words, violence, and nudity galore. Every American movie on TV is the ultra violent action kind, no weepy dramas or comedies since they don’t translate well. Species, Rambo II, Bad Boys II, and Resident Evil (aka BioHazard in Japan) are just a few of the cinematic gems screened here.
No wonder Japanese think Americans are all violent gun owners. No there aren’t gang shootings and drug wars ALL the time in America, on the weekends we take a break to plot revenge and slap up our hoes.
Naturally all week long I look forward to watching these films. Hurray for duel audio so I can switch back and forth between English and Japanese. Some of the voice actors used are hilarious. I swear a woman voiced Martin Lawrence. Dammmmmmmn, that was funny.
There are way too many karaoke shows on for my taste, hell one is too many.
They are quite fond of the picture in picture technology, using it to show a personality’s reaction on a small screen in the corner to what is happening on main screen. This is quite useful because sometimes I’m watching TV and I don’t quite know how to react.
A sick child = Awwww sad face.
CUTE doggy doing a back flip = happy face!
Fat British kids defiling a temple = disgusted face then laughing face.
There are quite a few foreigners who have sold their souls (or at least their dignities) to be on Japanese television. Nerdy white guys answering trivia questions, stoic afroed black men as bodyguards and shifty Hispanic peddlers are just a smattering of the diversity on television.
Sometimes whitey is on TV giving English lessons. These lessons are awful. I don’t know if these white dudes have been in Japan too long and have forgotten how to use English or if the station won’t let them say anything but their retarded monkey lines. It may be the latter seeing how I know personally how stubborn most teachers are about changing their lesson plans even if the grammar is terrible and the dialogue is something nobody would ever say. But going on national television and saying this crap? Speak up and have some dignity stupid white boy.
Here is an English skit from one of the learning shows:
A white woman realtor shows up at the door of a Japanese woman client. The Japanese woman answers the door.
Japaense woman: “I can’t see yoouuuuu.”
White woman leaps out startling Japanese woman and scaring the hell out of me.
White woman: “HERE I AM!”
Later scary white woman is showing a condo to Japanese woman:
Scary white woman: “How about this one? Does it grab you?”
White woman proceeds to fiercely grab Japanese woman’s arm.
Scary white woman: “So does it GRAB you!?”
For the next 10-15 minutes the show’s hosts, a flying alien character, and the people in the skit practice, “does it grab you?” Who the hell says ‘does it grab you’ then put a death grip around somebody’s wrist? The key phrase for the whole half hour show was to learn ‘does it grab you.’ If you meet a Japanese person and they suddenly seize your arm to ask, ‘does it grab you’ don’t blame cultural differences, instead blame television and the sell out white people that let it happen.
After I wrote the first TV post some people told me that the transvestites on TV are called ‘sexual transformers.’ Now whenever I see them I have a modified Transformers theme running through my head. Transformers more than meets the eye. Transformers men in disguise.
Kojima Yoshio is pretty tame in comparison to Hard Gay. Yes that's his name. He is a masked leather man who goes up to people and humps them. Hard Gay is a personality that was popular a while ago but still pops up every once in awhile.
Here is an older video of Hard Gay complete with subtitle goodness. I can pin point my disgust around the time he meets the children on the playground how about you?
Japanese pro wrestling is just as over the top and stupid as American pro wrestling but in Japan they have kept the crude stereotypes that made American pro-wrestling in the 80's fun. Hard Gay is one of these characters whose main move is mock raping his opponent. Bob Sapp is a beefy black man who spews hateful English at everyone saying he is going to “eat” his opponents. I think pro-wrestling is the place where old personalities go when their popularity has been washed up. I wish Japanese pro-wrestling were on more often though because it’s hilarious. Damn pay per view.
Also, there is a lot of anime.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Japanese TV Part I
Japanese television. What the hell. It’s even weirder than I ever imagined. What’s strange is that the more Japanese I understand the worse the shows are. Although only three words: kawaii (cute!), oishii (delicious!) and sugoi (amazing!) are all you need to understand roughly half of all Japanese TV anyway.
The same small ever-rotating group of wacky personalities dominates Japanese TV. All of these ‘celebrities’ are one-dimensional characters that say the same lines and do the ONE little niche thing that makes them famous. It’s like that episode of the Simpson’s where Bart is the ‘I didn’t do it’ kid. Like Bart, these one hit wonder’s routines become stale very fast and are replaced after a few months. But hey that’s okay because there is always a fresh new crop of pigeon holed performers that can do and say only ONE thing.
Here are a few lines from a typical travel/food show where the waitress brings out an enormous plate of well-prepared sushi:
Cute girl with blonde hair: “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks longingly at food*
Cute girl that eats everything: “Itadakimasu!” *shovels every last bit of sushi into her rose bud mouth* “Oishi!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *frowns*
Cute girl with blonde hair: *rubs cute girl that eats everything’s extended belly full of 500 pieces of sushi* “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks around for something else to eat*
Bart Simpson: “Woozle Wuzzle?"
Japanese TV has more transvestites then a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show… in San Francisco. Practically every troupe of personalities has at least one cross dressing she-male in it. Entire shows are dedicated to drag queens gossiping with their ‘lady’ friends ala The View but even scarier. At any given time there will be at least one show on featuring a transvestite giving make overs to real woman, being laughed at by men or strutting his/her stuff for a fashion show.
About a third of the basic channels are home shopping networks selling everything from jewelry to funeral shrines. The strangest things they sell are vibrating exercise machines. Pulsate that belly fat away with a vibrating belt! Got stubborn neck fat? We have mini vibrators to exercise those stubborn areas too! The most disturbing exercise device is the horse-riding simulator. On TV there is a sexy woman riding the machine while staring sensually into the camera. Damn if these things aren’t selling like the Japanese equivalent of hotcakes.
Here is a video of what I’m talking about.
Unfortunately not everybody that rides these machines are sexy ladies. I was at an electronics store where several were on display. Four obasans were bucking rhythmically on their vibrating mechanical steeds. I was already feeling a little sick already but then one of them says, “This feels so good!” I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
The shining light of awesomeness for Japanese TV is the wacky game shows where people are hurt and humiliated. There are extreme challenge shows where contestants go through an obstacle course and 90% end up falling down awkwardly into a pit of muck water. Hah he fell down and got hurt, it’s funny because it’s not me.
My favorite shows are the ones where the contestants are in groups and have to dress up and do something incredibly stupid for money. One such show has a group of three contestants dressed in monkey costumes trying to reach a wad of cash dangling 30 feet above their heads in under three minutes. The monkeys are given miscellaneous items, such as a broom handle and vacuum cleaner attachments, to cobble together an apparatus to snatch the money. The makeshift device always falls apart right before they can reach their prize. The announcers (dressed in medieval European attire) laugh and laugh as the components rain down on the heartbroken contestants heads.
The only show that tops the monkey one is a half extreme challenge half humiliation game show. Groups of morons dressed in shameful jumpsuits have to play human tic tac toe by swinging on vines or contort their body in a hilarious game of human Tetris.
Here is a link to the Tetris game.
When it’s time to sing an English song there will be some boys who bust out the lawnmower dance move, pulling an imaginary string by pumping their fist to the floor. I’d laugh because I thought it was just a lame American dance move that white people do. To my shock and horror I found out where the boys learned the dance move.
Comedian Kojima Yoshio is the current flavor of the month personality. He is EVERYWHERE from game shows to travel shows to cooking shows. Kojima is always in a tighter than tight speedo running around humping random people and objects and performing his song and dance number which includes the lawnmower move.
Beware. Here is a link to Kojima Yoshino. -edit- Censored and removed. If you're really interested then google his name and some pics/videos will come up.
THIS is what the children of Japan are emulating. Yes Japanese TV is definitely weirder than I ever imagined. Many children request a performance of the Kojima dance. Uhhhhh no. I say that it is a Japanese dance and only Japanese can do it then bust into a funky white boy dance for them instead, sans lawnmower of course.
Part 2 coming soon.
The same small ever-rotating group of wacky personalities dominates Japanese TV. All of these ‘celebrities’ are one-dimensional characters that say the same lines and do the ONE little niche thing that makes them famous. It’s like that episode of the Simpson’s where Bart is the ‘I didn’t do it’ kid. Like Bart, these one hit wonder’s routines become stale very fast and are replaced after a few months. But hey that’s okay because there is always a fresh new crop of pigeon holed performers that can do and say only ONE thing.
Here are a few lines from a typical travel/food show where the waitress brings out an enormous plate of well-prepared sushi:
Cute girl with blonde hair: “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks longingly at food*
Cute girl that eats everything: “Itadakimasu!” *shovels every last bit of sushi into her rose bud mouth* “Oishi!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *frowns*
Cute girl with blonde hair: *rubs cute girl that eats everything’s extended belly full of 500 pieces of sushi* “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks around for something else to eat*
Bart Simpson: “Woozle Wuzzle?"
Japanese TV has more transvestites then a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show… in San Francisco. Practically every troupe of personalities has at least one cross dressing she-male in it. Entire shows are dedicated to drag queens gossiping with their ‘lady’ friends ala The View but even scarier. At any given time there will be at least one show on featuring a transvestite giving make overs to real woman, being laughed at by men or strutting his/her stuff for a fashion show.
About a third of the basic channels are home shopping networks selling everything from jewelry to funeral shrines. The strangest things they sell are vibrating exercise machines. Pulsate that belly fat away with a vibrating belt! Got stubborn neck fat? We have mini vibrators to exercise those stubborn areas too! The most disturbing exercise device is the horse-riding simulator. On TV there is a sexy woman riding the machine while staring sensually into the camera. Damn if these things aren’t selling like the Japanese equivalent of hotcakes.
Here is a video of what I’m talking about.
Unfortunately not everybody that rides these machines are sexy ladies. I was at an electronics store where several were on display. Four obasans were bucking rhythmically on their vibrating mechanical steeds. I was already feeling a little sick already but then one of them says, “This feels so good!” I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
The shining light of awesomeness for Japanese TV is the wacky game shows where people are hurt and humiliated. There are extreme challenge shows where contestants go through an obstacle course and 90% end up falling down awkwardly into a pit of muck water. Hah he fell down and got hurt, it’s funny because it’s not me.
My favorite shows are the ones where the contestants are in groups and have to dress up and do something incredibly stupid for money. One such show has a group of three contestants dressed in monkey costumes trying to reach a wad of cash dangling 30 feet above their heads in under three minutes. The monkeys are given miscellaneous items, such as a broom handle and vacuum cleaner attachments, to cobble together an apparatus to snatch the money. The makeshift device always falls apart right before they can reach their prize. The announcers (dressed in medieval European attire) laugh and laugh as the components rain down on the heartbroken contestants heads.
The only show that tops the monkey one is a half extreme challenge half humiliation game show. Groups of morons dressed in shameful jumpsuits have to play human tic tac toe by swinging on vines or contort their body in a hilarious game of human Tetris.
Here is a link to the Tetris game.
When it’s time to sing an English song there will be some boys who bust out the lawnmower dance move, pulling an imaginary string by pumping their fist to the floor. I’d laugh because I thought it was just a lame American dance move that white people do. To my shock and horror I found out where the boys learned the dance move.
Comedian Kojima Yoshio is the current flavor of the month personality. He is EVERYWHERE from game shows to travel shows to cooking shows. Kojima is always in a tighter than tight speedo running around humping random people and objects and performing his song and dance number which includes the lawnmower move.
Beware. Here is a link to Kojima Yoshino. -edit- Censored and removed. If you're really interested then google his name and some pics/videos will come up.
THIS is what the children of Japan are emulating. Yes Japanese TV is definitely weirder than I ever imagined. Many children request a performance of the Kojima dance. Uhhhhh no. I say that it is a Japanese dance and only Japanese can do it then bust into a funky white boy dance for them instead, sans lawnmower of course.
Part 2 coming soon.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Mister Smiley
I've developed a thick skin for people both gawking and laughing in my face, avoiding me like a leper, and being treated like an idiot man child. But damn it some things still really irritate me. In particular unauthorized video taping and picture taking.
I'm minding my own business instructing a class how to verbalize their l's and v's correctly and when I turn my back for a couple seconds BAM the teacher has got a video camera right in my FACE. It's either that or some snap happy PTA mom(s) capturing every precious three to four seconds of class time that her little prince/princess has with the scary gaijin. If I move this way can you get that profile shot you need or is the contrast not quite right? Why don't I stop the lesson so you can get a frontal view of the class with all the adorable brats and me all giving a peace sign V. No? Then GET THE FUNK OUTTA MY FACE.
It's distracting and annoying as hell, but what pisses me off the most is that nobody ever asks my permission. A simple, "mind if I take a few pics, k?" in Japanese or English will suffice or at least a little warning. Freaking camera ninjas come out of nowhere and right when I think I'm nice and safe… CAMERA IN FACE.
After the picture raping I used to always inquire in what manner the violators were going to exploit my likeness. Nobody would ever give me a straight answer. What is this big conspiracy to take my picture and never tell me when, where and why? Is there some pay voyeuristic website with pictures and video of me that only costs 1 yen for the first video and pictures then they jack up the price significantly after your hopelessly hooked. Maybe. Although one time I did find out what happened to a picture that was taken of me.
At the rural school there is a gigantic 3ft by 4ft poster of my FACE holding up and pointing to a flashcard in English. There is a word bubble of me saying, "My name is Michael Teacher. Lets learn English together." I don't remember ever saying that… Anyway the gigantic poster of me, along with being the biggest picture of me I've ever seen, is also the absolute worst picture of me. It looks like I'm sucking a lemon, taking a huge crap in my pants and crying all at the same time. Damn you rural school. My only consolation is that since the school is so small only a few people will ever see it.
A couple weeks ago during first period while I'm still a little sleepy and my guard is down the teacher turns ninja on me and busts some unauthorized pics, nothing unusual. For 3rd period that day I'm forgotten about (yey!) so I use this precious free time to take a nap at my desk. While I'm half asleep none other than Mister Smiley from the board of education comes a walkin' into the room. Oh snap he's from the BOE and I'm sleeping on the job… is what I'd think if it was anyone else, but this is Mister Smiley and he totally ignores me.
Meet Mister Smiley. He is the assistant language teacher coordinator from the BOE. He speaks almost no English. During the compulsory monthly meetings at the BOE he has a translator with him when speaking to the ALTs. Despite this he has somehow fooled everyone into believing he is fluent in English, including all the teachers that do speak English. He truly has a special knack of bowing and smiling while walking backwards away from you and while you're lured in my his false humility he makes his escape. How can somebody that speaks almost no English coordinate all the ALTs and give the teachers that do speak English lesson advice for the entire city? Very very poorly. Not only is he a lying fraud he is also a backstabbing asshole. On several occasions I've asked him to make changes or talk to some people and after smiling and telling me, "of course!" he does nothing. Damn you Mister Smiley you twofaced fraud bastard.
Since he is ignoring me I ignore him back and return to that half awake/half asleep dream land where video games come to life and I'm the quarterback of the San Diego Chargers. Meanwhile Mister Smiley is leisurely chatting away drinking tea with the principal and other office staff for a good 15-20 minutes. I heard my name come up a few times so I drag myself into the real world and see what's going on. On the computer screen that Mister Smiley is at are my unauthorized pictures!
That's the last god damned straw. I'm exposing this fraud once and for all.
I slink up beside Smiley who is startled by my presence, but gives me one of his shit eating grins to mask his underlying fear of English. I give Mister Smiley a hearty pat on the shoulder and start the inquisition.
Me: "HEY! Whatcha lookin' at?"
Smiley: "Yes, okay." *GRINS*
Me: "Sooo what are you doin' on the computer? Are those the pictures of me that were taken first period? What are you gonna do with those?"
Mister Smiley looks like a deer caught in headlights and he can hardly hide his panic with a smile any longer. He rips the usb flash card from the computer, abruptly stands up and bows. With a rush of Japanese he and takes four bounding leaps for the door.
Me: "So I'll see you at the next board of education meeting then!?"
Mister Smiley: "Okay yes bye bye!"
He ran away and totally blew me off.
Hmmm he didn't seem like he was in such a hurry whilst sipping tea and chit chatting with the office staff. Luckily Mr. S who speaks pretty good English came into the room around the time I first went up to Mister Smiley.
Me: "You know Mister Smiley speaks like no English right?
Mr. S: "No he said he is fluent in English."
Me: "Have you ever heard him speak in English. He just blew me off when I tried talking to him."
Mr S: *sudden realization sweeping over his face* "GOODNESS GRACIOUS!"
Me: Hahahahahahahaha
After hearing a young Japanese man say goodness gracious I lost all anger. For every fraud asshole Mister Smiley there is at least 10 cool people like Mr. S who will bust out some random English to make me laugh. Still though I can only wonder what mischievous deeds Mister Smiley is doing with my unauthorized pictures. I'm making it my mission to expose Mister Smiley every chance I get. I've got him scared now and next time I'll make sure he doesn't escape
I'm minding my own business instructing a class how to verbalize their l's and v's correctly and when I turn my back for a couple seconds BAM the teacher has got a video camera right in my FACE. It's either that or some snap happy PTA mom(s) capturing every precious three to four seconds of class time that her little prince/princess has with the scary gaijin. If I move this way can you get that profile shot you need or is the contrast not quite right? Why don't I stop the lesson so you can get a frontal view of the class with all the adorable brats and me all giving a peace sign V. No? Then GET THE FUNK OUTTA MY FACE.
It's distracting and annoying as hell, but what pisses me off the most is that nobody ever asks my permission. A simple, "mind if I take a few pics, k?" in Japanese or English will suffice or at least a little warning. Freaking camera ninjas come out of nowhere and right when I think I'm nice and safe… CAMERA IN FACE.
After the picture raping I used to always inquire in what manner the violators were going to exploit my likeness. Nobody would ever give me a straight answer. What is this big conspiracy to take my picture and never tell me when, where and why? Is there some pay voyeuristic website with pictures and video of me that only costs 1 yen for the first video and pictures then they jack up the price significantly after your hopelessly hooked. Maybe. Although one time I did find out what happened to a picture that was taken of me.
At the rural school there is a gigantic 3ft by 4ft poster of my FACE holding up and pointing to a flashcard in English. There is a word bubble of me saying, "My name is Michael Teacher. Lets learn English together." I don't remember ever saying that… Anyway the gigantic poster of me, along with being the biggest picture of me I've ever seen, is also the absolute worst picture of me. It looks like I'm sucking a lemon, taking a huge crap in my pants and crying all at the same time. Damn you rural school. My only consolation is that since the school is so small only a few people will ever see it.
A couple weeks ago during first period while I'm still a little sleepy and my guard is down the teacher turns ninja on me and busts some unauthorized pics, nothing unusual. For 3rd period that day I'm forgotten about (yey!) so I use this precious free time to take a nap at my desk. While I'm half asleep none other than Mister Smiley from the board of education comes a walkin' into the room. Oh snap he's from the BOE and I'm sleeping on the job… is what I'd think if it was anyone else, but this is Mister Smiley and he totally ignores me.
Meet Mister Smiley. He is the assistant language teacher coordinator from the BOE. He speaks almost no English. During the compulsory monthly meetings at the BOE he has a translator with him when speaking to the ALTs. Despite this he has somehow fooled everyone into believing he is fluent in English, including all the teachers that do speak English. He truly has a special knack of bowing and smiling while walking backwards away from you and while you're lured in my his false humility he makes his escape. How can somebody that speaks almost no English coordinate all the ALTs and give the teachers that do speak English lesson advice for the entire city? Very very poorly. Not only is he a lying fraud he is also a backstabbing asshole. On several occasions I've asked him to make changes or talk to some people and after smiling and telling me, "of course!" he does nothing. Damn you Mister Smiley you twofaced fraud bastard.
Since he is ignoring me I ignore him back and return to that half awake/half asleep dream land where video games come to life and I'm the quarterback of the San Diego Chargers. Meanwhile Mister Smiley is leisurely chatting away drinking tea with the principal and other office staff for a good 15-20 minutes. I heard my name come up a few times so I drag myself into the real world and see what's going on. On the computer screen that Mister Smiley is at are my unauthorized pictures!
That's the last god damned straw. I'm exposing this fraud once and for all.
I slink up beside Smiley who is startled by my presence, but gives me one of his shit eating grins to mask his underlying fear of English. I give Mister Smiley a hearty pat on the shoulder and start the inquisition.
Me: "HEY! Whatcha lookin' at?"
Smiley: "Yes, okay." *GRINS*
Me: "Sooo what are you doin' on the computer? Are those the pictures of me that were taken first period? What are you gonna do with those?"
Mister Smiley looks like a deer caught in headlights and he can hardly hide his panic with a smile any longer. He rips the usb flash card from the computer, abruptly stands up and bows. With a rush of Japanese he and takes four bounding leaps for the door.
Me: "So I'll see you at the next board of education meeting then!?"
Mister Smiley: "Okay yes bye bye!"
He ran away and totally blew me off.
Hmmm he didn't seem like he was in such a hurry whilst sipping tea and chit chatting with the office staff. Luckily Mr. S who speaks pretty good English came into the room around the time I first went up to Mister Smiley.
Me: "You know Mister Smiley speaks like no English right?
Mr. S: "No he said he is fluent in English."
Me: "Have you ever heard him speak in English. He just blew me off when I tried talking to him."
Mr S: *sudden realization sweeping over his face* "GOODNESS GRACIOUS!"
Me: Hahahahahahahaha
After hearing a young Japanese man say goodness gracious I lost all anger. For every fraud asshole Mister Smiley there is at least 10 cool people like Mr. S who will bust out some random English to make me laugh. Still though I can only wonder what mischievous deeds Mister Smiley is doing with my unauthorized pictures. I'm making it my mission to expose Mister Smiley every chance I get. I've got him scared now and next time I'll make sure he doesn't escape
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Kim's Story II: Bad Days
Let me reiterate by saying the students at Kim's school are bad. Boys will randomly yell things at her all the time like, "nice body!" "I love you" and "I want to eat you." This might be cute in elementary school but in junior high it gets creepy especially when there are gangs of them and they make pelvic thrusts to make their point piercingly hard to miss. Most of the girls do not like Kim. Since she doesn't know Japanese she doesn't understand what they are saying but the look on their faces and tone of their voices makes it pretty clear. Also, they have taken to lifting their noses up with their fingers and pointing at her while snorting like pigs.
Boys will slam the classroom sliding door as hard as they can making the whole room shake. While others toss their books into the air trying to make more dents in the ceiling. Boys are always hitting, wrestling and throwing things at each other while the girls look on talking shit and giving the occasional slap themselves. This isn't anything usual from most junior highs except that so much of this horseplay (yes I said horseplay) is unwanted bullying. Kim has seen boys steal other student's books and throw them across the room. Girls will make fun of the fat girl and ostracize her from the rest of the class. Boys will throw erasers and pencils at another student the whole class period. Most of the homeroom teachers see everything going on but just ignore it all.
Bullying has even worse consequences in Japan then in America. In Japan sameness and being part of a collective group that works together is the model ideal. To not be accepted by the group and be an outsider is horrible for the Japanese psyche. Bullying makes kids be loners and afraid. They have no friends and nobody to talk to. These bullied kids can't even talk to the teacher of principal because they don't really care and will never help. The bullied kids only choice is to take the abuse and try to get into high school where they can leave the bullies behind who will probably drop out and get factory or waitress jobs.
The students at Kim's junior high are awful enough, but some of the lessons she has had to teach just make the situation even worse. Some days can be good where the students mostly listen, but then some days can be bad, very bad.
Each teacher has an English song that they make the students sing before class. The better the teacher the better the song. Mrs. M's students really like her song selection because she uses the cd Kim made of modern American songs that are easy to sing. Other teachers like to play the Carpenters so damn much and the kids, especially the boys, HATE the Carpenters. Another song that is overplayed is 'We Will Rock You' from Queen. Does ANYBODY freaking know what is said in that song besides the chorus? It goes so damn fast especially for a group of students trying to learn English. Other songs include indecent ones about giving her man everlasting pleasure and terrible J-Pop songs where the Engrish makes no sense at all.
Kim had to do a variation of the dreaded body parts lesson. After naming the body parts the wacko Mrs. S had Kim say this dialogue, "Do you like your chin? Do you like your hips? Do you like your chest?" Then Mrs. S would give a little waggle of the aforementioned areas and say, "sssseeexxy!" Oh how the students laughed and laughed.
Ms. I had another version of an inappropriate body parts lesson. Kim had to ask the students, "Can I massage your shoulders? Can I sit on you lap?" Ms. I wanted Kim to actually touch the students by massaging and sitting on them. Uhhh No. YOU sit and massage the horny smelly junior high kids because Kim sure as hell wasn't going to do it. In the end Kim said the words and then acted out the motions of the dialogue.
What the hell is with this body parts lesson anyway? First I have elementary school kids grabbing and slapping each other then Kim has to say these embarrassingly inappropriate things at the junior high school. I had yet another version of this lesson as well where the students had to draw a picture of a person after I called out the body part in English. Sure I said words like, "head, legs, and hands" but did I say penis? I guess it didn't matter because many boys proudly held up their drawing complete with tallywagger. The drawing that had the biggest penis of them all was a picture of ME. I did not correct the boy but instead patted him on the head and gave him a, "good boy."
Kim had a lesson where the students would ask, "What's this?" and hold up something in front of Sam. After several pencils and books one kid who is known as a bully went to his backpack and pulled out a knife. "What's this?" Waving a switchblade in Kim's face. "…A knife…" Mrs. S laughs and the student smugly walks back to his seat. If this was America that kid would have been jumped by the FBI labeled a terrorist and sent to Guantanamo or at the least been expelled from school, but this is Japan and he is just another class clown with a knife. Mrs. S thought the knife was pretty clever and went to grab something else hilariously different from off of the top of a file cabinet. Instead she did something even funnier by knocking a vase to the floor. Glass splashed everywhere. After that the kids were gone for the day laughing their collective asses off and cleaning up shards of glass.
Another weird day was when Kim was teaching and a boy got his head stuck in his chair. Now kids are always getting out of their seats to walk or crawl around, but why the hell did he stick his head into the crevice where the seat and back of the chair meet? This of course is a huge distraction so Kim tries to help the poor kid by lifting him up and tilting him at an angle to hoist him out, other students help too. Of course other students 'helping' just makes the situation wilder. Another trickster takes this opportunity to put fake poop under an (unpopular) kid's seat. This kid is super creepy because all he does all class every class is cut paper. Does the cutting take him back to a simpler time in elementary school or perhaps he's making confetti for a stuffed animal parade… nobody knows. Anyway it really looked like this creepy unpopular kid took a fat dump on the floor. This was too funny and even Kim laughed along with the rest of the class. She disposed of the phony feces (in the plastic recycling receptacle.) Finally the kid stuck in the chair was pulled out with the effort of the entire class, quite the team building exercise.
Last week in a class that Kim was teaching a chubby kid was getting eraser chunks tossed at his head all class long and then snapped. He uses his pent up frustration and rage to slam the bully against the wall and starts pounding him in the face and pulling out his hair. The chubby student then breaks down and cries and asks to go home early which he does. No punishment for the bully or the kid who left several chunks of the bullies' hair and splatters of blood on the floor. The bully is the same kid who brandished the switchblade in Kim's face. Hopefully things don't escalate any further.
Boys will slam the classroom sliding door as hard as they can making the whole room shake. While others toss their books into the air trying to make more dents in the ceiling. Boys are always hitting, wrestling and throwing things at each other while the girls look on talking shit and giving the occasional slap themselves. This isn't anything usual from most junior highs except that so much of this horseplay (yes I said horseplay) is unwanted bullying. Kim has seen boys steal other student's books and throw them across the room. Girls will make fun of the fat girl and ostracize her from the rest of the class. Boys will throw erasers and pencils at another student the whole class period. Most of the homeroom teachers see everything going on but just ignore it all.
Bullying has even worse consequences in Japan then in America. In Japan sameness and being part of a collective group that works together is the model ideal. To not be accepted by the group and be an outsider is horrible for the Japanese psyche. Bullying makes kids be loners and afraid. They have no friends and nobody to talk to. These bullied kids can't even talk to the teacher of principal because they don't really care and will never help. The bullied kids only choice is to take the abuse and try to get into high school where they can leave the bullies behind who will probably drop out and get factory or waitress jobs.
The students at Kim's junior high are awful enough, but some of the lessons she has had to teach just make the situation even worse. Some days can be good where the students mostly listen, but then some days can be bad, very bad.
Each teacher has an English song that they make the students sing before class. The better the teacher the better the song. Mrs. M's students really like her song selection because she uses the cd Kim made of modern American songs that are easy to sing. Other teachers like to play the Carpenters so damn much and the kids, especially the boys, HATE the Carpenters. Another song that is overplayed is 'We Will Rock You' from Queen. Does ANYBODY freaking know what is said in that song besides the chorus? It goes so damn fast especially for a group of students trying to learn English. Other songs include indecent ones about giving her man everlasting pleasure and terrible J-Pop songs where the Engrish makes no sense at all.
Kim had to do a variation of the dreaded body parts lesson. After naming the body parts the wacko Mrs. S had Kim say this dialogue, "Do you like your chin? Do you like your hips? Do you like your chest?" Then Mrs. S would give a little waggle of the aforementioned areas and say, "sssseeexxy!" Oh how the students laughed and laughed.
Ms. I had another version of an inappropriate body parts lesson. Kim had to ask the students, "Can I massage your shoulders? Can I sit on you lap?" Ms. I wanted Kim to actually touch the students by massaging and sitting on them. Uhhh No. YOU sit and massage the horny smelly junior high kids because Kim sure as hell wasn't going to do it. In the end Kim said the words and then acted out the motions of the dialogue.
What the hell is with this body parts lesson anyway? First I have elementary school kids grabbing and slapping each other then Kim has to say these embarrassingly inappropriate things at the junior high school. I had yet another version of this lesson as well where the students had to draw a picture of a person after I called out the body part in English. Sure I said words like, "head, legs, and hands" but did I say penis? I guess it didn't matter because many boys proudly held up their drawing complete with tallywagger. The drawing that had the biggest penis of them all was a picture of ME. I did not correct the boy but instead patted him on the head and gave him a, "good boy."
Kim had a lesson where the students would ask, "What's this?" and hold up something in front of Sam. After several pencils and books one kid who is known as a bully went to his backpack and pulled out a knife. "What's this?" Waving a switchblade in Kim's face. "…A knife…" Mrs. S laughs and the student smugly walks back to his seat. If this was America that kid would have been jumped by the FBI labeled a terrorist and sent to Guantanamo or at the least been expelled from school, but this is Japan and he is just another class clown with a knife. Mrs. S thought the knife was pretty clever and went to grab something else hilariously different from off of the top of a file cabinet. Instead she did something even funnier by knocking a vase to the floor. Glass splashed everywhere. After that the kids were gone for the day laughing their collective asses off and cleaning up shards of glass.
Another weird day was when Kim was teaching and a boy got his head stuck in his chair. Now kids are always getting out of their seats to walk or crawl around, but why the hell did he stick his head into the crevice where the seat and back of the chair meet? This of course is a huge distraction so Kim tries to help the poor kid by lifting him up and tilting him at an angle to hoist him out, other students help too. Of course other students 'helping' just makes the situation wilder. Another trickster takes this opportunity to put fake poop under an (unpopular) kid's seat. This kid is super creepy because all he does all class every class is cut paper. Does the cutting take him back to a simpler time in elementary school or perhaps he's making confetti for a stuffed animal parade… nobody knows. Anyway it really looked like this creepy unpopular kid took a fat dump on the floor. This was too funny and even Kim laughed along with the rest of the class. She disposed of the phony feces (in the plastic recycling receptacle.) Finally the kid stuck in the chair was pulled out with the effort of the entire class, quite the team building exercise.
Last week in a class that Kim was teaching a chubby kid was getting eraser chunks tossed at his head all class long and then snapped. He uses his pent up frustration and rage to slam the bully against the wall and starts pounding him in the face and pulling out his hair. The chubby student then breaks down and cries and asks to go home early which he does. No punishment for the bully or the kid who left several chunks of the bullies' hair and splatters of blood on the floor. The bully is the same kid who brandished the switchblade in Kim's face. Hopefully things don't escalate any further.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Kim's Story: Warui Chugakou
In Japan school is only compulsory until the end of junior high. Also, no matter what grades the students get or how badly they misbehave if they bother to show up for graduation they will pass. Kind of puts in perspective Japan's internationally renowned education and high school graduation rates. If the only kids going to high school are the ones that want to be there and the parents have to pay big bucks for it they sure as hell are going to graduate. Going to restaurants I'd see extremely young people as waiters and think this is their part time job, but no these are people working full time that graduated junior high and didn't go to high school.
Anybody that has money sends their kids to private junior high and high schools. Why do this when most public schools are just as good as private schools? Because of shitty ghetto junior highs like the one Kim works at. Kim used to work at a high school in Oakland where several students were shot dead and the drop out rate was around 70%. This school had better overall behavior then the junior high. It is the worst school in town and has a far-reaching reputation for misbehavior and overall shity ghettoness. We went to a Thanksgiving party that was three towns over and whoever Kim told what school she worked for they knew it immediately by reputation as "warui chugakou" or the bad junior high.
Government subsidized communist era looking apartments line the streets neighboring the junior high. These enormous gray buildings are filled to capacity with poor families and their children. The children are stuck in these drab cramped quarters and have to behave themselves or get smacked the hell up by their parents. So when all these children with their raging hormones aged 12-15 come to school where there is no discipline and no punishment for acting up they go completely apeshit; bullying, screaming, hitting and just being annoying little brats.
Meet the staff. First there is the head English teacher Mr. U who is a nice guy but a terrible teacher who goes over the lesson so fast that Kim can't even understand what he is saying in English, let alone the students. At least his classes are usually the calmest of the four English teachers.
Then there is Ms. I. Ms. I should not be a teacher. Her lesson plans are awful and she doesn't even look at the students while teaching nor move from her desk. Ms. I is on antidepressants but they don't seem to be working.
Mrs. S is a little crazy and her rapport with the students is a kinda inappropriate. She has even worse classroom discipline then Ms I because she encourages the misbehavior by laughing at it and never punishing the bullies.
Lastly there is Mrs. M who is a great teacher and is in great shape because she is always running everywhere. The one teacher that uses the lesson plans Kim makes and English songs Kim picks? Mrs. M.
The vice principal is creepy as hell and is always waving and saying, "HELLOOOO" to Kim. Even if she walks out of the teacher's room and comes back five minutes later he will give her a vigorous wave and hello from across the room. He hardly even talks to the other teachers. He comments on the clothes that she wears and commented that she seemed very cold. The next day he brought her a bag full of used sweaters that he claimed were his daughters. Except they smelled like a thrift store and had blonde hair on some and black hair on others. That's sick and creepy.
Lastly there is the principal. He is an asshole. Nobody likes him. Why did Kim seem so cold that day the vice principal saw her? Maybe because the principal never turns on the heat in the teachers room even though every other school does. When it's 40 degrees and everybody is cold and sick he won't ever turn on the heater. He never used the air conditioner in summer either. Asshole. Last week when Ms. I came to him because of a death threat she received from several students he replied, "It's not my problem you deal with it." What an asshole. In America his ass would be fired and fined but this is Japan and you can never complain to your superiors.
The last ALT left the junior high because a third year student physically assaulted him. The student invited him to a festival and while there pulled on the ALT's hair slamming him down face first onto the concrete. The ALT had a lawyer and was completely prepared to sue the kid and his parents but was talked out of it by the English teachers.
It's a good idea never to get too close to the students especially at a freaking ghetto junior high where the kids make death threats and beat up teachers without any repercussions whatsoever.
Anybody that has money sends their kids to private junior high and high schools. Why do this when most public schools are just as good as private schools? Because of shitty ghetto junior highs like the one Kim works at. Kim used to work at a high school in Oakland where several students were shot dead and the drop out rate was around 70%. This school had better overall behavior then the junior high. It is the worst school in town and has a far-reaching reputation for misbehavior and overall shity ghettoness. We went to a Thanksgiving party that was three towns over and whoever Kim told what school she worked for they knew it immediately by reputation as "warui chugakou" or the bad junior high.
Government subsidized communist era looking apartments line the streets neighboring the junior high. These enormous gray buildings are filled to capacity with poor families and their children. The children are stuck in these drab cramped quarters and have to behave themselves or get smacked the hell up by their parents. So when all these children with their raging hormones aged 12-15 come to school where there is no discipline and no punishment for acting up they go completely apeshit; bullying, screaming, hitting and just being annoying little brats.
Meet the staff. First there is the head English teacher Mr. U who is a nice guy but a terrible teacher who goes over the lesson so fast that Kim can't even understand what he is saying in English, let alone the students. At least his classes are usually the calmest of the four English teachers.
Then there is Ms. I. Ms. I should not be a teacher. Her lesson plans are awful and she doesn't even look at the students while teaching nor move from her desk. Ms. I is on antidepressants but they don't seem to be working.
Mrs. S is a little crazy and her rapport with the students is a kinda inappropriate. She has even worse classroom discipline then Ms I because she encourages the misbehavior by laughing at it and never punishing the bullies.
Lastly there is Mrs. M who is a great teacher and is in great shape because she is always running everywhere. The one teacher that uses the lesson plans Kim makes and English songs Kim picks? Mrs. M.
The vice principal is creepy as hell and is always waving and saying, "HELLOOOO" to Kim. Even if she walks out of the teacher's room and comes back five minutes later he will give her a vigorous wave and hello from across the room. He hardly even talks to the other teachers. He comments on the clothes that she wears and commented that she seemed very cold. The next day he brought her a bag full of used sweaters that he claimed were his daughters. Except they smelled like a thrift store and had blonde hair on some and black hair on others. That's sick and creepy.
Lastly there is the principal. He is an asshole. Nobody likes him. Why did Kim seem so cold that day the vice principal saw her? Maybe because the principal never turns on the heat in the teachers room even though every other school does. When it's 40 degrees and everybody is cold and sick he won't ever turn on the heater. He never used the air conditioner in summer either. Asshole. Last week when Ms. I came to him because of a death threat she received from several students he replied, "It's not my problem you deal with it." What an asshole. In America his ass would be fired and fined but this is Japan and you can never complain to your superiors.
The last ALT left the junior high because a third year student physically assaulted him. The student invited him to a festival and while there pulled on the ALT's hair slamming him down face first onto the concrete. The ALT had a lawyer and was completely prepared to sue the kid and his parents but was talked out of it by the English teachers.
It's a good idea never to get too close to the students especially at a freaking ghetto junior high where the kids make death threats and beat up teachers without any repercussions whatsoever.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
No Fat Chicks
In American I'm considered normal to on the skinny side, plus I've dropped five pounds since coming here. In Japan I'm a little fat. In American Kim is told she is too skinny and even anorexic. For the record she eats as much if not more than me. Also, she is Asian and in Asia she is a normal body weight. Anyway… I would have to lose another fifteen to twenty pounds and Kim would have to lose five to ten pounds to be considered beautifully thin by Japanese standards. Having put that out there I would HATE to be fat, and especially a fat woman, in Japan.
It's not like the Japanese don't like to eat though, far from it. Half of the shows on TV are about cooking, eating, and traveling the country to find places to cook and eat. This is no exaggeration. However, all the portions here are so small compared to America and the food is usually very healthy.
School lunch in Japan: milk, rice, soup, salad and a main dish usually with some of lean meat or egg. If the kids are really lucky they will get a desert in the form a piece of fruit or plain yogurt. Hooray it's healthy! School lunch in America: a burrito with 60 grams of fat, chips, soda, cookies, and a piece of fruit or yogurt that they throw against the wall. Hooray it splattered!
In America Kim and I would often go to a restaurant and order one meal and split it, usually there would be leftovers. In Japan we always get our own meal and there are never any leftovers. I think the concept of taking the remains of one's meal home in a bag would disgust the Japanese anyway because I sure as hell haven't seen anyone take home leftovers. In America I'd seriously feel ripped off if the waiter didn't bring me so much food that I could eat until my stomach hurt and be only halfway finished so I could take it home and punish my gut further.
The Japanese are really nice and polite but they will not hesitate at all to call anyone fat. The super polite ones say something to the effect of; "Oh you must really enjoy your food." However, most just come out and say, "You are a little fat. You need to lose weight" Ouch. A little harsh don't you think?
When someone is fat it is his or her defining characteristic. I needed to talk to a certain Ms. T about an English lesson so I asked the teacher next to me who she was. The teacher next to me points across the room and says in Engrish, "fato fato! She is very fato woman." Everybody in the room hears this, even Ms T. The majority nod their heads in silent agreement that Ms T is indeed the very fato woman in that general direction. I look around for the morbidly obese 300 plus pound woman, where could she be hiding? Oh wait there she is! A mildly overweight middle aged woman making copies. This is Japan though and Ms. T will forever be branded as 'the very fato woman' unless she loses twenty pounds
Yet lard assed sumo wrestlers are professional athletes considered in the peak of physical shape.
In America it's much much more accepted to have a little extra junk in the trunk and many men in American prefer bigger women. I love the curves that god gave me! Big is beautiful! I like big butts and I can't deny… and so forth. Japanese beauty is measured in how small and cute girls are. If a girl is kinda cute and has thighs that are skinnier than her forearms then she's automatically in the running for Miss Japan. Skinny cute girls are fawned over and women in their 30's are still expected to act like high school girls in certain situations. Girls that aren't even obese just a little chubby are ostracized from elementary school into adulthood and beyond.
A couple weeks ago I walked into the teacher's room at one of the rural schools and a chubby woman in her mid to late 20's was there giving some dreary sales pitch for textbooks to the assemblage of uninterested teachers. After .5 seconds I ignore her monotonous drone of facts and figures to do more important things like stare out the window. Now if sales girl was skinny then all the male AND female teachers would be very attentive no matter how boring the pitch was. The speech ends and sales girl claps her hands waking up the half asleep staff. Then she raises her voice so impossibly high I thought only dogs could hear it and busts into an awkward cheerleader routine. I'm shocked and so is everyone else.
After a half minute of cheers sales girl half trips and sweeps one chubby appendage towards the principal's desk sending its contents flying in all directions. Many teachers start laughing but managed to stifle their giggles early on, but I couldn't stop myself. Seriously it was so damn hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing so I had to leave the room.
I felt bad for sales girl and it seems like a lot of the teachers did to because when I came back at lunch she was selling several teachers new edition textbooks. In Japan even overweight girls in their mid to late 20's giving professional speeches have to act like cute cheerleader types. Just imagine if companies tried to make women in America do this? The horror… the horror.
It's not like the Japanese don't like to eat though, far from it. Half of the shows on TV are about cooking, eating, and traveling the country to find places to cook and eat. This is no exaggeration. However, all the portions here are so small compared to America and the food is usually very healthy.
School lunch in Japan: milk, rice, soup, salad and a main dish usually with some of lean meat or egg. If the kids are really lucky they will get a desert in the form a piece of fruit or plain yogurt. Hooray it's healthy! School lunch in America: a burrito with 60 grams of fat, chips, soda, cookies, and a piece of fruit or yogurt that they throw against the wall. Hooray it splattered!
In America Kim and I would often go to a restaurant and order one meal and split it, usually there would be leftovers. In Japan we always get our own meal and there are never any leftovers. I think the concept of taking the remains of one's meal home in a bag would disgust the Japanese anyway because I sure as hell haven't seen anyone take home leftovers. In America I'd seriously feel ripped off if the waiter didn't bring me so much food that I could eat until my stomach hurt and be only halfway finished so I could take it home and punish my gut further.
The Japanese are really nice and polite but they will not hesitate at all to call anyone fat. The super polite ones say something to the effect of; "Oh you must really enjoy your food." However, most just come out and say, "You are a little fat. You need to lose weight" Ouch. A little harsh don't you think?
When someone is fat it is his or her defining characteristic. I needed to talk to a certain Ms. T about an English lesson so I asked the teacher next to me who she was. The teacher next to me points across the room and says in Engrish, "fato fato! She is very fato woman." Everybody in the room hears this, even Ms T. The majority nod their heads in silent agreement that Ms T is indeed the very fato woman in that general direction. I look around for the morbidly obese 300 plus pound woman, where could she be hiding? Oh wait there she is! A mildly overweight middle aged woman making copies. This is Japan though and Ms. T will forever be branded as 'the very fato woman' unless she loses twenty pounds
Yet lard assed sumo wrestlers are professional athletes considered in the peak of physical shape.
In America it's much much more accepted to have a little extra junk in the trunk and many men in American prefer bigger women. I love the curves that god gave me! Big is beautiful! I like big butts and I can't deny… and so forth. Japanese beauty is measured in how small and cute girls are. If a girl is kinda cute and has thighs that are skinnier than her forearms then she's automatically in the running for Miss Japan. Skinny cute girls are fawned over and women in their 30's are still expected to act like high school girls in certain situations. Girls that aren't even obese just a little chubby are ostracized from elementary school into adulthood and beyond.
A couple weeks ago I walked into the teacher's room at one of the rural schools and a chubby woman in her mid to late 20's was there giving some dreary sales pitch for textbooks to the assemblage of uninterested teachers. After .5 seconds I ignore her monotonous drone of facts and figures to do more important things like stare out the window. Now if sales girl was skinny then all the male AND female teachers would be very attentive no matter how boring the pitch was. The speech ends and sales girl claps her hands waking up the half asleep staff. Then she raises her voice so impossibly high I thought only dogs could hear it and busts into an awkward cheerleader routine. I'm shocked and so is everyone else.
After a half minute of cheers sales girl half trips and sweeps one chubby appendage towards the principal's desk sending its contents flying in all directions. Many teachers start laughing but managed to stifle their giggles early on, but I couldn't stop myself. Seriously it was so damn hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing so I had to leave the room.
I felt bad for sales girl and it seems like a lot of the teachers did to because when I came back at lunch she was selling several teachers new edition textbooks. In Japan even overweight girls in their mid to late 20's giving professional speeches have to act like cute cheerleader types. Just imagine if companies tried to make women in America do this? The horror… the horror.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Return of the Musings
The Japanese national sport isn't sumo nor kendo, it's not baseball, or even ritual suicide it's janken or in American rock paper scissors. Children and adults alike are relentless in their pursuit of janken supremacy. Every time I teach an English lesson the game that goes along with the lesson involves janken in some way. On television there are janken tournaments complete with brackets, scorecards and even commentators. People honestly believe there is a strategy to janken because, "scissors takes longer to form" or "somebody that throws rock will move their hand faster." Almost every dispute in class is settled with a game of janken and children wanting to play janken will randomly accost me, even waiting outside of the bathroom.
Now I know why sick people in Japan wear masks. Nobody covers their mouths when they cough, ever. Japanese mind: "I cannot possibly dirty my hand or shirt sleeve with my cough so let me instead cough as hard as I can into the air." I can actually see the particles of sick wafting towards me. Gross. Solution? Cough into a mask instead. Brilliant!
It's nice to see so many active old people riding their bicycles everywhere. Obasans (old women) in there 80's still hop on a bike to do the daily shopping. The ojisans (old men) don't always look so healthy though. They are usually chain smoking while cycling and probably going to go drink the day away playing mahjong, Go, or pachinko with their retired buddies.
I know I've already covered the horror that is squat toilets but the urinals aren't that great either. Most of the time the urinal is too short for me, but hey no surprise there. Why I really don't like urinals is because Japanese guys tend to utilize the hug the wall technique of peeing where I, like most Americans, like to leave a little space between my stream and the bowl to prevent splash back. By now I'm used to being stared at, just not in the bathroom. Maybe because of my stream space or because I'm a foreigner but every damn time I use a urinal and some other guy is there he blatantly stares at me. I'm not talking about my eyes either. I was supposed to go to an onsen last week where everyone is butt naked but it was closed. I'm anticipating when I do go that I'll get stared at a lot. Again, I'm not talking about my eyes.
Why do teachers, and not just teachers but a large part of the Japanese work force, have to stay so long at work? I know teaching is not an easy job, but are the 12 hour days really necessary every day? Half the time it seems they are just browsing the Internet or drinking tea and chatting. Why the hell can't they just get their work done and go home to have dinner before 9:00pm?
Japanese people really really love their unique four seasons. You can only wear certain clothes during a certain season, do certain activities, and eat certain foods. Its summer let us go to summer festivals, watch fireworks and drink. Its fall let us moon gaze, watch the changing leaves, and drink. Its winter let us visit Hokkaido, give money to our adorable grandsons, and drink. Its spring let us go cherry blossom viewing, have picnics and drink. The Japanese also like to use any excuse to have a drinking party no matter what season it is.
Disney is popular in Japan, very popular. Students have as much Disney paraphernalia with them as the three most popular animes: Pokemon, Dragonball Z and Naruto combined. Lilo and Stitch may have bombed in the US but it is making fat BANK in Japan. A Disney movie combining Hawaii with adorable anime looking creature equals instant classic to the hearts of the Japanese.
In the podunk town I live in nobody travels very much but everybody and their obasan has been to Tokyo Disneyland. Not even knowing I've lived in California, just that I'm an American, one of the first questions people will ask is, "Have you been to Disneyland?" When I reply with a yes a look of wonder, amazement and jealousy all wrapped in one sweeps over their face. I'm bombarded with dozens of follow up questions asking me how great Disneyland is or how is it different from Tokyo Disneyland. Children (and adults) have been so persistent with their questions about Disneyland that for now on if anyone asks me if I've been to American Disneyland I'll simply say NO.
Now I know why sick people in Japan wear masks. Nobody covers their mouths when they cough, ever. Japanese mind: "I cannot possibly dirty my hand or shirt sleeve with my cough so let me instead cough as hard as I can into the air." I can actually see the particles of sick wafting towards me. Gross. Solution? Cough into a mask instead. Brilliant!
It's nice to see so many active old people riding their bicycles everywhere. Obasans (old women) in there 80's still hop on a bike to do the daily shopping. The ojisans (old men) don't always look so healthy though. They are usually chain smoking while cycling and probably going to go drink the day away playing mahjong, Go, or pachinko with their retired buddies.
I know I've already covered the horror that is squat toilets but the urinals aren't that great either. Most of the time the urinal is too short for me, but hey no surprise there. Why I really don't like urinals is because Japanese guys tend to utilize the hug the wall technique of peeing where I, like most Americans, like to leave a little space between my stream and the bowl to prevent splash back. By now I'm used to being stared at, just not in the bathroom. Maybe because of my stream space or because I'm a foreigner but every damn time I use a urinal and some other guy is there he blatantly stares at me. I'm not talking about my eyes either. I was supposed to go to an onsen last week where everyone is butt naked but it was closed. I'm anticipating when I do go that I'll get stared at a lot. Again, I'm not talking about my eyes.
Why do teachers, and not just teachers but a large part of the Japanese work force, have to stay so long at work? I know teaching is not an easy job, but are the 12 hour days really necessary every day? Half the time it seems they are just browsing the Internet or drinking tea and chatting. Why the hell can't they just get their work done and go home to have dinner before 9:00pm?
Japanese people really really love their unique four seasons. You can only wear certain clothes during a certain season, do certain activities, and eat certain foods. Its summer let us go to summer festivals, watch fireworks and drink. Its fall let us moon gaze, watch the changing leaves, and drink. Its winter let us visit Hokkaido, give money to our adorable grandsons, and drink. Its spring let us go cherry blossom viewing, have picnics and drink. The Japanese also like to use any excuse to have a drinking party no matter what season it is.
Disney is popular in Japan, very popular. Students have as much Disney paraphernalia with them as the three most popular animes: Pokemon, Dragonball Z and Naruto combined. Lilo and Stitch may have bombed in the US but it is making fat BANK in Japan. A Disney movie combining Hawaii with adorable anime looking creature equals instant classic to the hearts of the Japanese.
In the podunk town I live in nobody travels very much but everybody and their obasan has been to Tokyo Disneyland. Not even knowing I've lived in California, just that I'm an American, one of the first questions people will ask is, "Have you been to Disneyland?" When I reply with a yes a look of wonder, amazement and jealousy all wrapped in one sweeps over their face. I'm bombarded with dozens of follow up questions asking me how great Disneyland is or how is it different from Tokyo Disneyland. Children (and adults) have been so persistent with their questions about Disneyland that for now on if anyone asks me if I've been to American Disneyland I'll simply say NO.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Not Going Quietly
Last weekend Kim and I met up with a couple of friends in Tokyo that are visiting Japan. Eating at competing gyoza restaurants, getting lost, ending up in some strange/creepy as hell amusement park, getting lost, shopping, karaoke, and getting lost again filled out our day, and now it was time for dinner. Our guests hadn't been to a yakitori restaurant yet so we decided to eat at one. Going inside the waitress promptly seats our party of four and puts cabbage and shoyo on our table. The menu at this place, like many small Japanese restaurants, is on the wall and all in Japanese.
Waitress: "Can you read the menu? Are you all right?"
Me: "Yes. I can read most of it. We're fine."
A minute or so goes by as we discuss what we want to order. The chef/owner of the establishment, a diminutive elderly man, walks up to our table.
Owner: "Can you read the menu?"
Me: "Yes. I can read most of it. My kanji isn't very good though. But…" (cuts me off)
Owner: "You don't know enough Japanese you must leave. Now."
What the hell? He must not understand that I can order food and it's okay because I've ordered at plenty of Japanese restaurants that had a more difficult menu then this one.
Me: "I can read the menu. It's okay."
Owner: "You can't speak Japanese well enough you must leave now."
Me: "Uhhh… we have enough money. It's okay."
Owner: "You must leave now because you cannot read or speak Japanese."
Me: "No no no I CAN read! I don't understand what's wrong."
Owner: "I'm sorry you must leave now. You can't speak well enough."
The waitress picks up the cabbage and shoyo off our table. It's right about now that I understand we are getting kicked out. I tell everyone at our table what is going on and the owner's reason behind it. Obviously not knowing enough Japanese is not the real reason seeing how I am having a whole conversation about how I don't know enough Japanese… in Japanese.
Maybe four gaijin is just way over the quota for such a small place? Maybe three obvious gaijin with one pretty-and-could-pass-for-Japanese woman is too much to handle? Maybe because I'm white or Emanuel is black or Moty is Laotian. Whatever reason he was pissed in that reserved Japanese way where you can tell he is pissed without being so outwardly angry but one false move could lead to a shuriken in your temple.
Being so used to polite and friendly Japanese customer service people I couldn't even fathom that we would go into a restaurant and be kicked out. At first I thought they didn't understand that I really could order and my second thought was maybe they don't think we have enough money. Around the third or fourth time the stubborn old bastard owner told me I couldn't speak or read Japanese (and he sure as hell was sticking to that line) was when I realized we were getting kicked out because we are gaijin.
I'm so dumbfounded by the situation that I can't do anything but make my feeble protest and leave. Me and the other two guys are thinking, "if this guy wants us to leave then f*ck him we'll find somewhere better." Us three big scary foreign looking men stand up and slink out of the restaurant, defeated.
However, Kim, the petite Japanese-looking girl waits until the men start to walk out and holding her head high screams English obscenity after obscenity at the crusty old man to the shock and horror of all in attendance. Looking behind me I see the customers and staff with their heads down out of embarrassment of the situation. Kim exits last and as a final F*CK YOU she slams the door of the restaurant so hard it might have reawakened Godzilla.
I've never been kicked out of anywhere before, especially while sober and at a public restaurant and certainly never because of my ethnicity. The white man finally got to share a moment of intolerance and racism with his black and Asian friends. Hmmmm so this is why minorities can get angry over equality. Yes I see it is all starting to make sense now.
Afterwards we went to an awesome tempura restaurant where the menu was all in Japanese. Problems? None. In fact we got one of the best tables, had great service, and the food was delicious. One small statured small minded old man isn't going to ruin our time in Japan damn it.
Waitress: "Can you read the menu? Are you all right?"
Me: "Yes. I can read most of it. We're fine."
A minute or so goes by as we discuss what we want to order. The chef/owner of the establishment, a diminutive elderly man, walks up to our table.
Owner: "Can you read the menu?"
Me: "Yes. I can read most of it. My kanji isn't very good though. But…" (cuts me off)
Owner: "You don't know enough Japanese you must leave. Now."
What the hell? He must not understand that I can order food and it's okay because I've ordered at plenty of Japanese restaurants that had a more difficult menu then this one.
Me: "I can read the menu. It's okay."
Owner: "You can't speak Japanese well enough you must leave now."
Me: "Uhhh… we have enough money. It's okay."
Owner: "You must leave now because you cannot read or speak Japanese."
Me: "No no no I CAN read! I don't understand what's wrong."
Owner: "I'm sorry you must leave now. You can't speak well enough."
The waitress picks up the cabbage and shoyo off our table. It's right about now that I understand we are getting kicked out. I tell everyone at our table what is going on and the owner's reason behind it. Obviously not knowing enough Japanese is not the real reason seeing how I am having a whole conversation about how I don't know enough Japanese… in Japanese.
Maybe four gaijin is just way over the quota for such a small place? Maybe three obvious gaijin with one pretty-and-could-pass-for-Japanese woman is too much to handle? Maybe because I'm white or Emanuel is black or Moty is Laotian. Whatever reason he was pissed in that reserved Japanese way where you can tell he is pissed without being so outwardly angry but one false move could lead to a shuriken in your temple.
Being so used to polite and friendly Japanese customer service people I couldn't even fathom that we would go into a restaurant and be kicked out. At first I thought they didn't understand that I really could order and my second thought was maybe they don't think we have enough money. Around the third or fourth time the stubborn old bastard owner told me I couldn't speak or read Japanese (and he sure as hell was sticking to that line) was when I realized we were getting kicked out because we are gaijin.
I'm so dumbfounded by the situation that I can't do anything but make my feeble protest and leave. Me and the other two guys are thinking, "if this guy wants us to leave then f*ck him we'll find somewhere better." Us three big scary foreign looking men stand up and slink out of the restaurant, defeated.
However, Kim, the petite Japanese-looking girl waits until the men start to walk out and holding her head high screams English obscenity after obscenity at the crusty old man to the shock and horror of all in attendance. Looking behind me I see the customers and staff with their heads down out of embarrassment of the situation. Kim exits last and as a final F*CK YOU she slams the door of the restaurant so hard it might have reawakened Godzilla.
I've never been kicked out of anywhere before, especially while sober and at a public restaurant and certainly never because of my ethnicity. The white man finally got to share a moment of intolerance and racism with his black and Asian friends. Hmmmm so this is why minorities can get angry over equality. Yes I see it is all starting to make sense now.
Afterwards we went to an awesome tempura restaurant where the menu was all in Japanese. Problems? None. In fact we got one of the best tables, had great service, and the food was delicious. One small statured small minded old man isn't going to ruin our time in Japan damn it.
Monday, November 5, 2007
The Sh*t They Make Us Teach
Some of the English teaching materials are strange, very strange. I thought about describing how inane some these materials were, but a picture is worth a thousand words so…
First here are some pictures from a picture book which has basic phrases that Elementary students are taught.
Oh my god is that woman dead!
There are a lot of elderly in Japan, but this is a little disturbing.
Very few sport the fro in Japan...
Teaching kids to laugh at others who's appearance differs slightly from their own.
This one is just sad.
Then there are horribly inane songs they make us sing...
All right fine I can abide by stupid songs like that last one but teaching kids erroneous facts about Santa Claus is unforgivable. Heathens.
Now this last one is just plain disturbing. Its not just the lyrics it's the super creepy pervert that recites the lyrics. The lyrics are accompanied by a 70'sesque funk soundtrack complete with bow chicka bow bow and orgasmic shrieks of, 'Ooohhh yess!' in the background. It's just wrong on so many levels. What the hell were they thinking? How can we make this sound any MORE like porn and still get away with it?
Kim and I are contemplating staying in Japan and compiling our own English lesson plans to sell to the gullible Japanese. Maybe we'll even cut an album or ten. Can't be any worse than the shit they make us teach with now.
First here are some pictures from a picture book which has basic phrases that Elementary students are taught.
Oh my god is that woman dead!
There are a lot of elderly in Japan, but this is a little disturbing.
Very few sport the fro in Japan...
Teaching kids to laugh at others who's appearance differs slightly from their own.
This one is just sad.
Then there are horribly inane songs they make us sing...
Now what's so wrong with this? Well it's slow as hell and the "she's my cousin" line is supposed to be HILARIOUS, but it is just so excruciatingly lame. What is this even supposed to teach?
All right fine I can abide by stupid songs like that last one but teaching kids erroneous facts about Santa Claus is unforgivable. Heathens.
Now this last one is just plain disturbing. Its not just the lyrics it's the super creepy pervert that recites the lyrics. The lyrics are accompanied by a 70'sesque funk soundtrack complete with bow chicka bow bow and orgasmic shrieks of, 'Ooohhh yess!' in the background. It's just wrong on so many levels. What the hell were they thinking? How can we make this sound any MORE like porn and still get away with it?
Kim and I are contemplating staying in Japan and compiling our own English lesson plans to sell to the gullible Japanese. Maybe we'll even cut an album or ten. Can't be any worse than the shit they make us teach with now.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
It’s All Fun and Games
As explained earlier with the "Cicada Sensei" incident some of the lesson plans the schools want me to do have undesired consequences. Soooo I have to give a lesson on body parts and demonstrate the lesson by saying a body part while touching myself there, no problem. I decide to have a Simon Says game for this lesson, sounds good right? Instead the teachers, in their infinite wisdom, want the kids to get into groups and when I call out a body part have the other kids touch them there. Knowing how much these kids like to grab and poke each other's nether regions I try to dissuade them to no avail. I decided against using the approved words: eyes, waist, and chest for obvious reasons, but these kids are resourceful.
The game starts and I say 'leg' the boys start grabbing each other's penises. I say 'back' and they poke each other in the butthole. I say 'shoulders' and they give each other the Vulcan death pinch. Some of the most vicious offenders are the girls. I say 'hand' and one girl takes this other girl's hand and made her slap her face with her own hand. I say 'hair' and this burly mean bitch yanks this small innocent girl's hair (who isn't even in her group) and pulls her to the ground. At least the boys were laughing while they were squeezing each other's nuts, but the girls were seriously pissed off and some of them had murder in their eyes. It frightened me.
Another brutal but benign sounding game is 'fruits basket.' I call it death basket. If the lesson is fast food then each student will have a card like french fries or hamburger or curry and rice. These students will be in a circle sitting in chairs with one student standing in the center. When the student in the center calls out 'hamburger' the kid in the center and all the kids with a hamburger card run around looking for a seat. There is the expected pulling away seats and hiding chairs, but then it goes further.
A lot of the kids don't even try to find a chair they just get up and start beating the holy hell out of each other. Usually the kid that ends up in the center in the one that is lying on the ground, trampled and left for dead. Somehow he/she pick themselves up and the game starts again. Best part is? I get to play too! I teach the kids the game and start off in the center and try like hell to avoid the melee. However when 'zenbu' or 'all' is called everybody gets up and has to find a chair. It's madness. When I'm dragging one kid on each leg, another is on my back, and I'm swatting down dick and ass grabbers left and right I think, "How the hell did I get into this situation?"
Most teachers are smart enough not to participate in death basket, except for one. He is a 6th grade teacher I'll call Mr. U. He is one of those super nice guys that wants desperately to be friends with all his students and consequently has one of the wildest classes I've ever seen. 'Zenbu' was called and he was instantly mobbed. While being gang raped I saw one of the larger boys sucker punch Mr. U in the kidney. The look of agony on his usual joyful face was apparent so I stopped the game and helped him to a chair, I told him who the boy was that punched him but he just laughed it off, though winces of pain.
Lesson learned? Never get too close to the kids especially during games of grab that body part and death basket.
The game starts and I say 'leg' the boys start grabbing each other's penises. I say 'back' and they poke each other in the butthole. I say 'shoulders' and they give each other the Vulcan death pinch. Some of the most vicious offenders are the girls. I say 'hand' and one girl takes this other girl's hand and made her slap her face with her own hand. I say 'hair' and this burly mean bitch yanks this small innocent girl's hair (who isn't even in her group) and pulls her to the ground. At least the boys were laughing while they were squeezing each other's nuts, but the girls were seriously pissed off and some of them had murder in their eyes. It frightened me.
Another brutal but benign sounding game is 'fruits basket.' I call it death basket. If the lesson is fast food then each student will have a card like french fries or hamburger or curry and rice. These students will be in a circle sitting in chairs with one student standing in the center. When the student in the center calls out 'hamburger' the kid in the center and all the kids with a hamburger card run around looking for a seat. There is the expected pulling away seats and hiding chairs, but then it goes further.
A lot of the kids don't even try to find a chair they just get up and start beating the holy hell out of each other. Usually the kid that ends up in the center in the one that is lying on the ground, trampled and left for dead. Somehow he/she pick themselves up and the game starts again. Best part is? I get to play too! I teach the kids the game and start off in the center and try like hell to avoid the melee. However when 'zenbu' or 'all' is called everybody gets up and has to find a chair. It's madness. When I'm dragging one kid on each leg, another is on my back, and I'm swatting down dick and ass grabbers left and right I think, "How the hell did I get into this situation?"
Most teachers are smart enough not to participate in death basket, except for one. He is a 6th grade teacher I'll call Mr. U. He is one of those super nice guys that wants desperately to be friends with all his students and consequently has one of the wildest classes I've ever seen. 'Zenbu' was called and he was instantly mobbed. While being gang raped I saw one of the larger boys sucker punch Mr. U in the kidney. The look of agony on his usual joyful face was apparent so I stopped the game and helped him to a chair, I told him who the boy was that punched him but he just laughed it off, though winces of pain.
Lesson learned? Never get too close to the kids especially during games of grab that body part and death basket.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Language is a Funny Thing
Engrish or Japanese English is a pretty well know hilarious phenomenon. Typos, poor grammar, and outright strange word selection and combinations are everywhere in Japan from clothing, to foodstuffs, and even office buildings. Just like the way some buffed out frat guy has Chinese characters tattooed on his arms, the Japanese use English as design and often have no idea of it's meaning. Seriously though for the sake of foreigners can't somebody use spell check or grammar check before they print a T-Shirt or paint a sign? Besides that annoying point, some of the mismash of English words are really funny.
Thirsty for excellence! – Is this the latest slogan for a Japanese sports drink? No! It's an axiom written in huge bold letters in front of the prefectures most prestigious hospital.
I came too hard / I never came so hard– I've seen this on a couple of T-shirts so I think it's pretty popular. Although the latter was worn by a middle school aged girl...
I have HOT WEATHER COCK – This shirt design was worn by a dumpy middle aged woman. And yes she is a teacher at a school I work at. And yes I had her class on the day she wore that shirt.
There are other ones that I can't think of right now. More to come. Hard.
The Japanese really like bugs. Diagrams of the insides of beetles and dragonflies are found on the walls of many classrooms and a conspicuously large number of nature shows are about insect collecting, fighting, and mating.
One English lesson I'm forced to do involves teaching the English names of various insects. These kids may not know colors, days of the week, or basic greetings but damn it all if they can't say mantis or cockroach when I get through with them. One insect that is guaranteed to send the students into fits of laughter is cicada. Why? Because cicada sounds like the Japanese word for 'sexual harassment.'
The homeroom teacher always laughs along with the kids and never helps to settle them down. I've had some teachers make things way worse by mimicking a bug touching a girl's butt or breasts, which was pretty damn funny but these are elementary kids… In the end I waste a minimum five minutes of class time trying to settle the students down and for the rest of the lesson whenever cicada is mentioned they bust out laughing again. I've pressed upon the teachers the dangers of cicada before the lesson starts, but they always want the lesson as is.
I don't blame the mostly bored kids for laughing because when I was in 5th grade and some foreign teacher was showing me a picture of a weird looking bug and yelling, 'SEXUAL HARRASSMENT' I'd laugh too. However, the worst part about all of this is that some kids have taken to calling me cicada sensei.
Japanese girls: "Ahhhhhh it's cicada sensei! Run or he'll sexually harass us!" Then they sprint away screaming for their lives.
Can I go back to being called Michael Jackson? If only these kids knew that it's really the same thing then I'd be in really big trouble.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Continued Musings About Japan
Japan is a country of contradictions. People are super polite but will stare at me with no shame whatsoever. Children stare me down wherever I go, store clerks follow me like I'm going to rob the place, and old people mouths agape, gawk like I'm a circus freak. I was walking to work one day and one such grandmotherly bicyclist across the street collided with a fence because she was so intent on staring at me.
Another contradiction, the toilets here are either awesome or horrible. There is the ultra modern toilet that plays soothing music whilst crapping, has an air freshener button, a heated seat, and a built in bidet. Am I at an expensive day spa in Beverly Hills? No! I just pooped at McDonalds. Then there is the squat toilet. Many squat toilets are old and smell like a garbage dump after it rains and they look like somebody took a urinal, put it face up on the ground and let it rust. The worst part is to use it one has to crouch and hover a few inches off the ground. For someone that has used a western toilet his entire life this is quite difficult. I was in a situation where I had to use a squat toilet once. It was unpleasant. A country so advanced as to have brought us the Nintento Wii, creepy robot children, and splendiferous day-spa-like experience toilets should know better than to have disgusting squat toilets. I can forgive the rape of Nanking, the Bataan death march, and the panty vending machines; but the continued proliferation of the squat toilet when one has such an amazing alterative is completely unforgivable.
The Japanese really like John Lennon, although I've yet to hear anyone say anything positive about Yoko Ono…
Another dead American singer the Japanese enjoy is Karen Carpenter of the Carpenters. One of the best selling American albums last year? The Carpenters. Why? I guess because the English is easy to understand but still… it's the Carpenters... I might as well be listening to Donny Osmond. The schools play the Carpenter's over the load speaker a lot and make the kids sing the songs which amuses me because…
In college I saw a movie about the Carpenters done entirely with Barbie dolls chronicling the brother and sister group's rise through 1970s wholesome Americana music scene. The film also dealt with the darker side of the Carpenters such as Karen Carpenter's failed marriages, bulimia and sudden death and her brother's homosexuality and drug abuse. The emblematic nature of the film impacted me by raising my awareness of our societies image consciousness. But mostly now whenever I hear a Carpenter's song I imagine Barbie dolls swearing profusely and swilling ipecac to induce vomiting.
When a Carpenter's song is playing I apparently have a very amused look on my face and this gets interpreted as enjoyment of the music. Teacher: "Oh you really like the Carpenter's don't you!" Me: "…yes?" Teacher: "So what's your favorite song?" Me: "Uhhh this one?" Teacher: "ME TOO." Then the teacher proceeds to gush about how fantastic the Carpenters are and I'm already committed to agreement. Damn Carpenters.
The western man coming to Japan because he wants to find a Japanese woman who doesn't find him repulsive and willingly indulges in his Sailor Moon fetish is a well-documented fact. Google it. So I thought that the Japanese would be resentful of western guys coming to their country trying to hook up with their wimmins. Nope. In fact for the most part it seems to be the exact opposite. Many a broken heart of Japanese girls are littered in my wake after telling them that I have an American wife with me in Japan.
I was at a PTA meeting with about 50-60 teachers, parents and students who, like most Japanese, were very curious about my personal life. PTA: (hopeful) "So do you have a Japanese girlfriend yet?" Me: "No, I have a wife that lives with me in Japan." PTA: (excited) "Wow REALLY! A Japanese wife? Is that why you moved here? Do you have any children?" Me: "No. My wife's American." A look of complete shock and dejection sweeps over their faces as if I told them Miyazaki movies suck and he stole all his ideas from Disney. I felt so guilty that I wanted to console them by saying Japanese women are so crazy sexy and if I wasn't already married I'd be hittin' every piece of Japanese ass I could get my pasty white hands on, you know, to make them feel better.
Okay, so maybe the women think its honky dorky for Japanese chicks to hook up with western guys that come to Japan, but what I also found shocking was the men don't mind either. Men are equally curious about my personal life and if I have a Japanese girlfriend and look just as disappointed when I tell them otherwise. One male teacher was very poignant when he told me, "Oh, that's too bad. You would do VERY well here." Then, just in case I missed the point, makes a kissy face and a pelvic thrust. I'd be creeped out by this already, but it was made way creepier because we were in class at the time and thirty-odd students were watching us.
Another contradiction, the toilets here are either awesome or horrible. There is the ultra modern toilet that plays soothing music whilst crapping, has an air freshener button, a heated seat, and a built in bidet. Am I at an expensive day spa in Beverly Hills? No! I just pooped at McDonalds. Then there is the squat toilet. Many squat toilets are old and smell like a garbage dump after it rains and they look like somebody took a urinal, put it face up on the ground and let it rust. The worst part is to use it one has to crouch and hover a few inches off the ground. For someone that has used a western toilet his entire life this is quite difficult. I was in a situation where I had to use a squat toilet once. It was unpleasant. A country so advanced as to have brought us the Nintento Wii, creepy robot children, and splendiferous day-spa-like experience toilets should know better than to have disgusting squat toilets. I can forgive the rape of Nanking, the Bataan death march, and the panty vending machines; but the continued proliferation of the squat toilet when one has such an amazing alterative is completely unforgivable.
The Japanese really like John Lennon, although I've yet to hear anyone say anything positive about Yoko Ono…
Another dead American singer the Japanese enjoy is Karen Carpenter of the Carpenters. One of the best selling American albums last year? The Carpenters. Why? I guess because the English is easy to understand but still… it's the Carpenters... I might as well be listening to Donny Osmond. The schools play the Carpenter's over the load speaker a lot and make the kids sing the songs which amuses me because…
In college I saw a movie about the Carpenters done entirely with Barbie dolls chronicling the brother and sister group's rise through 1970s wholesome Americana music scene. The film also dealt with the darker side of the Carpenters such as Karen Carpenter's failed marriages, bulimia and sudden death and her brother's homosexuality and drug abuse. The emblematic nature of the film impacted me by raising my awareness of our societies image consciousness. But mostly now whenever I hear a Carpenter's song I imagine Barbie dolls swearing profusely and swilling ipecac to induce vomiting.
When a Carpenter's song is playing I apparently have a very amused look on my face and this gets interpreted as enjoyment of the music. Teacher: "Oh you really like the Carpenter's don't you!" Me: "…yes?" Teacher: "So what's your favorite song?" Me: "Uhhh this one?" Teacher: "ME TOO." Then the teacher proceeds to gush about how fantastic the Carpenters are and I'm already committed to agreement. Damn Carpenters.
The western man coming to Japan because he wants to find a Japanese woman who doesn't find him repulsive and willingly indulges in his Sailor Moon fetish is a well-documented fact. Google it. So I thought that the Japanese would be resentful of western guys coming to their country trying to hook up with their wimmins. Nope. In fact for the most part it seems to be the exact opposite. Many a broken heart of Japanese girls are littered in my wake after telling them that I have an American wife with me in Japan.
I was at a PTA meeting with about 50-60 teachers, parents and students who, like most Japanese, were very curious about my personal life. PTA: (hopeful) "So do you have a Japanese girlfriend yet?" Me: "No, I have a wife that lives with me in Japan." PTA: (excited) "Wow REALLY! A Japanese wife? Is that why you moved here? Do you have any children?" Me: "No. My wife's American." A look of complete shock and dejection sweeps over their faces as if I told them Miyazaki movies suck and he stole all his ideas from Disney. I felt so guilty that I wanted to console them by saying Japanese women are so crazy sexy and if I wasn't already married I'd be hittin' every piece of Japanese ass I could get my pasty white hands on, you know, to make them feel better.
Okay, so maybe the women think its honky dorky for Japanese chicks to hook up with western guys that come to Japan, but what I also found shocking was the men don't mind either. Men are equally curious about my personal life and if I have a Japanese girlfriend and look just as disappointed when I tell them otherwise. One male teacher was very poignant when he told me, "Oh, that's too bad. You would do VERY well here." Then, just in case I missed the point, makes a kissy face and a pelvic thrust. I'd be creeped out by this already, but it was made way creepier because we were in class at the time and thirty-odd students were watching us.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Musings about Japan
Kim and I live together in a town of about 100,000 people just an hour by train from Tokyo. I work at five, yes FIVE, elementary schools and Kim works at one junior high and one elementary school.
Here are a few musings I've had so far...
So I had to get a car to drive to the various far flung schools I work at. My car is small. Small even for a Japanese car. The teachers and other Japanese people think it’s sooo hilarious. “Wow!BIG American in small Japanese car! In America your car is so big but in Japan so small… so small.”
Kids can’t hide their emotions when they see me so I get yelled at all the time. Astonished kids point at me and scream, “Takai takai segatakai!” Tall tall tall! Or, “Me aoi me aoi!” Blue eyes blue eyes! “How tall are you?” (I answer) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” “What’s your shoe size?” (I answer) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” God damn I’m not THAT big.
Speaking of shoe size I forgot to bring some indoor shoe with me so I had to go to the shoe outlet here. I’m a size 12 which is roughly 30cm. They had ONE pair of shoes at the store that were 30cm. Well, at least they were cheap.
Speaking of cheap the Japanese really like to make fun of Chinese products. “Oh the cup broke, it was probably made in China.” *Laughs* “You can buy a bicycle for only $50 but it will fall apart in a year… it’s made in China.” *Laughs.*
The schools play strange music over the load speaker different times during the day. At the biggest elementary school instead of the usual classical music which accompanies cleaning time they have to work by a military drum beat which sounds like a Nazi death squad. They really put those kids to work though making them scrub on their hands and knees and clean everything from the teacher’s room to the bathrooms. At lunch time the two rural schools I work at both play bizarre mix of electronica, 80’s hair band, and J-Pop music as if the opening music to Jem and Gundum Wing merged and was sung by Devo. (Too many references.)
I have to eat lunch everyday with the students. Usually it’s fine, but sometimes not so much. One day I was eating lunch with some 3rd graders. One mischievous boy asks me, “How big is your penis? Do you have big American penis?” Whenever I get asked any type of personal or sexual type questions I either ignore them or say I don’t understand, (it happens A LOT), and they usually drop it. The girl next to the boy says, “Why do you want to know! You have a small penis.” Everybody laughs and boy hangs head in defeat. She goes on to proclaim, “All Japanese boys have very small penises.” Everybody laughs together in agreement.
Sometimes students want me to sign autographs for them, which is funny and kind of cute so I oblige feeling somewhat like a rock star. The good feeling ends quickly when a swarm of kids want me to sign everything from their notebook, to their pencil box, to their face. The entire class and then the whole school wants a little piece of maikeru sensei… not because they really want it but because other kids have it. I now refuse most autographs. I need a manager.
Just because my name is Michael I'm not Michael Jackson although many Japanese kids (and some adults) don't seem to know the differance. I now hate my name more than ever. Why do so many little Japanese kids know about Michael Jackson anyway?
Japanese kids, mostly boys, are all over each other. They hug, slap, kick, and poke the shit out of each other. Sometimes these kids think I’m their friend as well as their teacher and that maybe, maybe I would enjoy a little poke… NO I WOULD NOT. One boy poked me in the ass on the stairs and I had to stop myself from throwing him out the window. Another boy walked up smiling at me and waving and then poked me right in the balls. The BALLS. I grabbed his arm and wrenched it back and lifting him up I yelled in his terrified face NO! STOP! BAD! In English and Japanese. Then I turn around and the Vice Principal is right in front of me. He smiles at me and laughs then walks off. What the hell? I get poked in the balls and nearly tear the arm off an eight year old and he laughs? I can never count on other teachers to save me from the kids. Before when I got swarmed by students I would wait patiently. Now I just charge through them, if some of them have to fall, well it was for the greater good. Bonzai!
I can never go back to shitty customer service in America. In American restaurants I have to wait for the waiter or yell to get their attention. If a waiter happens to come by and I ask for a minute they end up taking forever. After I finish chewing on the ice cubes of the water they gave me 20 minutes later NOW it might be worth their time to take my order.
In Japan they will bend over backwards (or more likely forwards) to serve you. Instead of waiting for self entitled would be actor/actress waiters I press a bell at my table and in 10 seconds or less a Japanese waiter will be sprinting towards my table ready to serve me in a courteous and helpful manner. All this and they never get any tips because it Japan there is no tipping. Awesome.
The Japanese are caffeine addicts. They are always drinking green tea or coffee or something. There are at least three vending machines on every block serving all manner of green tea, coffee, and energy drinks. Even the bottled water has caffeine in it. Super Poceri Sweat Energy Water!
Pachinko parlors smell. Think of the worst ventilated casino in Reno. Yes it is that bad. Walking to the train station in the morning there was about 20-30 guys smoking and reading manga waiting for the pachinko parlor to open to gamble their lives away. I was wondering where the creepy looking loners at the ramen shops hang out during the day.
For having a really great universal heath care system the dentistry in Japan is something to be desired. When a teacher comes to talk to me face to face and they have brown buck teeth or fangs at the top of their gum line it freaks me out a little and it is really hard to concentrate on anything except the jagged snaggle teeth protruding from their mouths. I know this sounds kind of mean but it really is disconcerning when Elementary children’s teeth are already yellow or brown. All this and EVERYONE at the school brushes their teeth religiously after lunch. I don’t get it.
I still get a kick out of seeing American celebrities in Japanese advertising. So Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t want public attention? They sure like being in commercials and ads for cell phones and make up. Orlando Bloom is even a bad actor in a 30 second commercial where he doesn’t speak. Also, Cameron Diaz… you aren’t hot. Somebody had to tell you and it’s me. So get the hell out of every other commercial and ad in Japan you skinny blonde crazy eyed bitch.
Here are a few musings I've had so far...
So I had to get a car to drive to the various far flung schools I work at. My car is small. Small even for a Japanese car. The teachers and other Japanese people think it’s sooo hilarious. “Wow!BIG American in small Japanese car! In America your car is so big but in Japan so small… so small.”
Kids can’t hide their emotions when they see me so I get yelled at all the time. Astonished kids point at me and scream, “Takai takai segatakai!” Tall tall tall! Or, “Me aoi me aoi!” Blue eyes blue eyes! “How tall are you?” (I answer) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” “What’s your shoe size?” (I answer) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” God damn I’m not THAT big.
Speaking of shoe size I forgot to bring some indoor shoe with me so I had to go to the shoe outlet here. I’m a size 12 which is roughly 30cm. They had ONE pair of shoes at the store that were 30cm. Well, at least they were cheap.
Speaking of cheap the Japanese really like to make fun of Chinese products. “Oh the cup broke, it was probably made in China.” *Laughs* “You can buy a bicycle for only $50 but it will fall apart in a year… it’s made in China.” *Laughs.*
The schools play strange music over the load speaker different times during the day. At the biggest elementary school instead of the usual classical music which accompanies cleaning time they have to work by a military drum beat which sounds like a Nazi death squad. They really put those kids to work though making them scrub on their hands and knees and clean everything from the teacher’s room to the bathrooms. At lunch time the two rural schools I work at both play bizarre mix of electronica, 80’s hair band, and J-Pop music as if the opening music to Jem and Gundum Wing merged and was sung by Devo. (Too many references.)
I have to eat lunch everyday with the students. Usually it’s fine, but sometimes not so much. One day I was eating lunch with some 3rd graders. One mischievous boy asks me, “How big is your penis? Do you have big American penis?” Whenever I get asked any type of personal or sexual type questions I either ignore them or say I don’t understand, (it happens A LOT), and they usually drop it. The girl next to the boy says, “Why do you want to know! You have a small penis.” Everybody laughs and boy hangs head in defeat. She goes on to proclaim, “All Japanese boys have very small penises.” Everybody laughs together in agreement.
Sometimes students want me to sign autographs for them, which is funny and kind of cute so I oblige feeling somewhat like a rock star. The good feeling ends quickly when a swarm of kids want me to sign everything from their notebook, to their pencil box, to their face. The entire class and then the whole school wants a little piece of maikeru sensei… not because they really want it but because other kids have it. I now refuse most autographs. I need a manager.
Just because my name is Michael I'm not Michael Jackson although many Japanese kids (and some adults) don't seem to know the differance. I now hate my name more than ever. Why do so many little Japanese kids know about Michael Jackson anyway?
Japanese kids, mostly boys, are all over each other. They hug, slap, kick, and poke the shit out of each other. Sometimes these kids think I’m their friend as well as their teacher and that maybe, maybe I would enjoy a little poke… NO I WOULD NOT. One boy poked me in the ass on the stairs and I had to stop myself from throwing him out the window. Another boy walked up smiling at me and waving and then poked me right in the balls. The BALLS. I grabbed his arm and wrenched it back and lifting him up I yelled in his terrified face NO! STOP! BAD! In English and Japanese. Then I turn around and the Vice Principal is right in front of me. He smiles at me and laughs then walks off. What the hell? I get poked in the balls and nearly tear the arm off an eight year old and he laughs? I can never count on other teachers to save me from the kids. Before when I got swarmed by students I would wait patiently. Now I just charge through them, if some of them have to fall, well it was for the greater good. Bonzai!
I can never go back to shitty customer service in America. In American restaurants I have to wait for the waiter or yell to get their attention. If a waiter happens to come by and I ask for a minute they end up taking forever. After I finish chewing on the ice cubes of the water they gave me 20 minutes later NOW it might be worth their time to take my order.
In Japan they will bend over backwards (or more likely forwards) to serve you. Instead of waiting for self entitled would be actor/actress waiters I press a bell at my table and in 10 seconds or less a Japanese waiter will be sprinting towards my table ready to serve me in a courteous and helpful manner. All this and they never get any tips because it Japan there is no tipping. Awesome.
The Japanese are caffeine addicts. They are always drinking green tea or coffee or something. There are at least three vending machines on every block serving all manner of green tea, coffee, and energy drinks. Even the bottled water has caffeine in it. Super Poceri Sweat Energy Water!
Pachinko parlors smell. Think of the worst ventilated casino in Reno. Yes it is that bad. Walking to the train station in the morning there was about 20-30 guys smoking and reading manga waiting for the pachinko parlor to open to gamble their lives away. I was wondering where the creepy looking loners at the ramen shops hang out during the day.
For having a really great universal heath care system the dentistry in Japan is something to be desired. When a teacher comes to talk to me face to face and they have brown buck teeth or fangs at the top of their gum line it freaks me out a little and it is really hard to concentrate on anything except the jagged snaggle teeth protruding from their mouths. I know this sounds kind of mean but it really is disconcerning when Elementary children’s teeth are already yellow or brown. All this and EVERYONE at the school brushes their teeth religiously after lunch. I don’t get it.
I still get a kick out of seeing American celebrities in Japanese advertising. So Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t want public attention? They sure like being in commercials and ads for cell phones and make up. Orlando Bloom is even a bad actor in a 30 second commercial where he doesn’t speak. Also, Cameron Diaz… you aren’t hot. Somebody had to tell you and it’s me. So get the hell out of every other commercial and ad in Japan you skinny blonde crazy eyed bitch.
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