Continued Musings About Japan

Japan is a country of contradictions. People are super polite but will stare at me with no shame whatsoever. Children stare me down wherever I go, store clerks follow me like I'm going to rob the place, and old people mouths agape, gawk like I'm a circus freak. I was walking to work one day and one such grandmotherly bicyclist across the street collided with a fence because she was so intent on staring at me.

Another contradiction, the toilets here are either awesome or horrible. There is the ultra modern toilet that plays soothing music whilst crapping, has an air freshener button, a heated seat, and a built in bidet. Am I at an expensive day spa in Beverly Hills? No! I just pooped at McDonalds. Then there is the squat toilet. Many squat toilets are old and smell like a garbage dump after it rains and they look like somebody took a urinal, put it face up on the ground and let it rust. The worst part is to use it one has to crouch and hover a few inches off the ground. For someone that has used a western toilet his entire life this is quite difficult. I was in a situation where I had to use a squat toilet once. It was unpleasant. A country so advanced as to have brought us the Nintento Wii, creepy robot children, and splendiferous day-spa-like experience toilets should know better than to have disgusting squat toilets. I can forgive the rape of Nanking, the Bataan death march, and the panty vending machines; but the continued proliferation of the squat toilet when one has such an amazing alterative is completely unforgivable.

The Japanese really like John Lennon, although I've yet to hear anyone say anything positive about Yoko Ono…

Another dead American singer the Japanese enjoy is Karen Carpenter of the Carpenters. One of the best selling American albums last year? The Carpenters. Why? I guess because the English is easy to understand but still… it's the Carpenters... I might as well be listening to Donny Osmond. The schools play the Carpenter's over the load speaker a lot and make the kids sing the songs which amuses me because…

In college I saw a movie about the Carpenters done entirely with Barbie dolls chronicling the brother and sister group's rise through 1970s wholesome Americana music scene. The film also dealt with the darker side of the Carpenters such as Karen Carpenter's failed marriages, bulimia and sudden death and her brother's homosexuality and drug abuse. The emblematic nature of the film impacted me by raising my awareness of our societies image consciousness. But mostly now whenever I hear a Carpenter's song I imagine Barbie dolls swearing profusely and swilling ipecac to induce vomiting.

When a Carpenter's song is playing I apparently have a very amused look on my face and this gets interpreted as enjoyment of the music. Teacher: "Oh you really like the Carpenter's don't you!" Me: "…yes?" Teacher: "So what's your favorite song?" Me: "Uhhh this one?" Teacher: "ME TOO." Then the teacher proceeds to gush about how fantastic the Carpenters are and I'm already committed to agreement. Damn Carpenters.

The western man coming to Japan because he wants to find a Japanese woman who doesn't find him repulsive and willingly indulges in his Sailor Moon fetish is a well-documented fact. Google it. So I thought that the Japanese would be resentful of western guys coming to their country trying to hook up with their wimmins. Nope. In fact for the most part it seems to be the exact opposite. Many a broken heart of Japanese girls are littered in my wake after telling them that I have an American wife with me in Japan.

I was at a PTA meeting with about 50-60 teachers, parents and students who, like most Japanese, were very curious about my personal life. PTA: (hopeful) "So do you have a Japanese girlfriend yet?" Me: "No, I have a wife that lives with me in Japan." PTA: (excited) "Wow REALLY! A Japanese wife? Is that why you moved here? Do you have any children?" Me: "No. My wife's American." A look of complete shock and dejection sweeps over their faces as if I told them Miyazaki movies suck and he stole all his ideas from Disney. I felt so guilty that I wanted to console them by saying Japanese women are so crazy sexy and if I wasn't already married I'd be hittin' every piece of Japanese ass I could get my pasty white hands on, you know, to make them feel better.

Okay, so maybe the women think its honky dorky for Japanese chicks to hook up with western guys that come to Japan, but what I also found shocking was the men don't mind either. Men are equally curious about my personal life and if I have a Japanese girlfriend and look just as disappointed when I tell them otherwise. One male teacher was very poignant when he told me, "Oh, that's too bad. You would do VERY well here." Then, just in case I missed the point, makes a kissy face and a pelvic thrust. I'd be creeped out by this already, but it was made way creepier because we were in class at the time and thirty-odd students were watching us.