Santa-san is Coming to Town

The holidays are finally here! Let’s see there is the Emperor’s birthday, New Years and… of yeah Christmas! Despite the fact that Japan is less than 1% Christian Christmas has caught on with the Japanese because it’s yet another excuse for shopping. I thought Americans spent a lot of money to buy new nice things all the time but damn the Japanese take it to another level. When everyday thrift stores carry flat screen tvs, furs, rolex watches and Louis Vuitton bags in the latest style (or so I’m told) then you know you’re in a rich country that likes to shop.

The week before Christmas (and a two week vacation!) I thought it would be fun to dress up as Santa Claus at the elementary schools. Gee I wonder if they’ll like it? Oh my god… Have you ever been chased by a hundred screaming children before? Instinct kicks in and I ran for it. I backed up against a wall so Santa wouldn’t get any fingers in the butt, braced myself for all the grabby hands and screaming, and let the swarm come upon me. Yes, yes I think they like it.

Shouts of ‘Santa-san’, ‘Santa-sensei’ or ‘Michael-Santa’ echoed through the hallways whenever I came near. There’s this black guy on TV right now that dresses up as Santa Claus called… Black Santa. So I got quite a few “Black Santa” remarks as well. Yes, Japan is a very very isolated country. A typical reaction from children would first be surprise then happy recognition and then grabby and demanding for presents and money. Some kids were definitely greedier than others.

Typical Kid:
T Kid: “Woah it’s Santa! Where’s my present?” *sticks out hands for presents*
Me: “Not until Christmas.”
T Kid: “Okay!” *gives me a high five and walks away*

Greedy Kid:
G Kid: “Santa! SANTA! Gimmie presents!” *sticks out hands for presents*
Me: “Not until Christmas.”
G Kid: “I want presents now! Give me money!” *steals my hat or yanks off my beard*

There was a particularly determined group of a dozen boys who were all greedy buggers demanding Santa’s hard earned yen. I thought it would be a good idea to give the kids a little something. I pull out my wallet to the surprise and delight of the crowd and:

Me: “HERE YOU GO.” *hands kid a one yen coin*
G Kid 1: “One yen? Cheap! Santa is a cheapskate!”
Me: “Santa is not rich.”
G Kid 2: “That’s soooooo cheap.”
G Kid 3: “Santa-cheapskate Santa-cheapskate!”

Walking back to the refuge of the teacher’s room I hear the boys chant “Santa-cheapskate Santa-cheapskate”, ungrateful little bastards.

I can see why those kids would demand money though because for end of year gifts they all rake in fat wads of cash. Long life span + low birthrate = a shit load of money from relatives. These kids make fat bank from their elders every year, especially adoring grandmothers to grandsons.

I wish I could have gotten cash from my grandparents when I was a kid.

Me: “Wow a sweater that’s too big with the price tag still attached... Grandma you shouldn’t have.
Mom: “Don’t worry you’ll grow into it and she probably got it on sale.”

This is how I imagine it would have gone if I’d gotten money instead:

Grandma: “Here’s some money, spend it on candy, toys or whatever you want.”
Me: “Yey!”
Grandma: “Just don’t go spending it all in one place.”
Me: “Okay.”
Grandma: “Unless its on that cool new video game system.”
Me: “Yey!"
Grandma: “I call dibs on first controller.”

Not that I didn’t get some fabulous presents for Christmas when I was a kid, but there were definitely a lot of duds.

Part of my Santa Claus routine while teaching was to tell the students that if they were good children that on Christmas Santa would bring them presents. I’d walk up to a student and ask, “Have you been a good child?” The kid would nod or say “yes” and I’d hand them an imaginary present.

I asked one little 1st grade girl if she’d been a good child and she flatly said, “NO.” In past classes if a kid did this I’d act distressed then tell them, “Sorry NO present!” Everyone always thought this was hilarious, especially the ‘bad kid.’ So after the little girl claimed to be a bad girl I went up to her face and exclaimed, “SORRY NO PRESENT!” The class laughed, but the little girl burst into tears. Oh crap. Here take all the fake air presents you want just stop crying, but she was inconsolable for the rest of class. Santa struck out on that one.

The teachers kept saying, “Wow you look JUST like Santa Claus!” “Just like Santa, right?” Yes. EXACTLY like Santa!” What the hell. I’m young, not fat, and bought a horribly cheap costume at the 100 yen store. I do not look JUST like Santa. I guess having an authentically Caucasian Santa Claus was enough for them to overlook the obvious flaws in my costume.

One school had some very inquisitive teachers.

Ms T: “Did you bring your costume from America.”
Me: “No I bought it at the 100 yen store.”
Ms T: “Wow so cheap but it looks so good.”
Me: “Yeah…” (cause I’m white.)
Ms N: “Do you like to cosplay.”
Me: “Only as Santa Claus.”
Ms N: “Do you cosplay as Santa Claus every year?”
Me: “Uhh no this is special. First time.”
Ms N: “Will you cosplay at Akihabara?
Me: “No.”

I hadn't occurred to me until then that I wasn’t just dressing up as Santa for kids I was cosplaying. Does everyone think I like to cosplay now or just these teachers? I really hope I don’t get known as the cosplaying teacher.

It was parent conference week the same week I dressed up as Santa so there were tons of parents roaming the hallways. I nearly gave some of these poor women heart attacks because they were so surprised to see a tall white man dressed as Santa coming towards them. “What a surprise!” and “Scary!” were the top two responses of moms after spotting me. This one woman was so startled she leapt up in the air flailing her arms and crashed on her ass. After the initial shock the mom’s would whip out a camera from their purse and take a few unauthorized pics. I didn’t really mind though since I’m pretty much asking for it by ‘cosplaying’ as Santa during parent conference week. Snap away ladies snap away.

At first I’d fend off all who wanted to don Santa’s garb, mostly because I didn’t want sick kids putting on my beard and hat and infecting me. On the last day around lunch I sloughed off the Santa routine and let anybody have a crack at being Santa. By far the most adorable instance was when a 2^nd grade boy put on my oversized coat and two other boys crawled in with him wearing the beard and hat. The 2^nd grade teacher exclaims, “Look its ‘San’ta!” First let me explain that the Japanese LOVE puns and wordplay. Secondly ‘san’ means 3 in Japanese. So three cute boys wearing full Santa regalia and calling themselves ‘San’ta is so chock full of cuteness and hilarity that everybody thought it was the greatest thing ever. Cameras come out of nowhere for a picture frenzy, ‘San’ta, ‘San’ta Claus, and San-nin Santa-san were all tossed out there as the best pun.

I may be a cosplaying cheapsake who makes little girls cry, but overall the schools loved having somebody who looks JUST like Santa-san come to their school for the holidays.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!