What a long strange trip it’s been

This week I had to drag my ass back to work but for twelve glorious days Kim and I were on winter vacation traversing the country from Tokyo to Kyoto, Osaka, Nara, Kobe, Himeji, Hiroshima and Miyajima. Overall it was a pretty fantastic trip and soooo touristy which, after living and working in a small town for four months, is not a bad thing. Wow! hotel and retail staff that completely understand me! Easy directions and free maps with English names AND descriptions. Amazing!

Since we were in such touristy areas almost all the restaurants had English menus. Seeing me and Kim, who most Japanese mistake for being Japanese, the waitress would give us menus in English and in Japanese. I took the Japanese and Kim took the English. Often times the English menu would be significantly shorter with items that the restaurateur thought would be palatable for foreigners. One udon resturant in particular had a horrible English menu with only five or six choices and huge Japanese menu with at least thirty. Despite this I only ordered off the Japanese menu twice the whole trip. It sucks to admit but the resturanteurs are correct in assuming foreigners like Japanese food but not too Japanesey.

Just like the Jews back in America we had Chinese food for Christmas dinner in Kyoto, not because it was it was the only restaurant open but because we could eat there without being on a two-hour waiting list.

We hit up all the famous temples, shrines, and castles always surrounded by hordes and hordes of tourists. In Kyoto and Nara this exceptionally unattractive French family kept popping up at every place we would go to. What bugged the hell out of me was the woman (who is the ugliest of the whole family) flashed me an accusatory “what the hell are you doing here!” look every time. Then her eyes, bulging from the surprise and horror of seeing those people again would narrow into stabbing slits piercing my soul with a gypsy curse. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but when we left Kyoto for Osaka I was happy to go to a new city if only to avoid the hideous eye eyed French lady.

I’m not sure why and of what cultural significance but on our way to an obscure temple in Kyoto we passed by a garden of genitalia. When I walked by an obasan was sweeping up the pathway and dusting a marble penis. Although engraved Buddhas are on the sexual statues I’m still sure what to make of them. A graveyard is nearby so maybe life and death? Of course I took a pic:

At Nara there is an enormous Buddha, not the happy fatty Buddha but the old school one with the cropped hair and serene look. Leading up to Buddha is a park with deer littered throughout. The deer are sacred animals to the Japanese, which is funny because before we knew this Kim told people at work that she ate venison in America and really liked it. Her coworkers looked sickened and angry, but hey cultural differences, gotta laugh. Here 's a pic of a deer with a warning sign about the deer:


These aren’t the cute skittish deer one admires from a distance, no the Nara deer are aggressive hungry buggers demanding handouts from visitors. Some people bought biscuits to feed the deer and were subsequently mobbed by the greedy animals. The deer feeders would toss all the biscuits to the ground and run away while others were pursued after having no food left, but with the scent still on their hands. I got head butted and nipped by a mangy ass deer and I didn’t even have any food. One little girl being followed by the sacred horned beasts was crying her eyes out because they wouldn’t leave her alone. Luckily her dad was there video taping the whole thing for posterity while not lifting a finger to save his daughter.

At the Miyajima temple there were more sacred deer looking for handouts. Again, I had no food on me but that didn’t stop the mangiest deer I’ve ever seen to trot up to me and chomp on the map I was carrying. I fought with the greedy brute for at least a minute before wrenching the map from its maw, but as I stared into its doey defiant eyes that demanded I unhand it’s papery morsel, I felt truly sad. Damn belligerent greedy deer making me feel sorry for them.

In Japan New Years is a big holiday. The whole country SHUTS DOWN to go home, relax and celebrate. That’s cool except for the days leading up to New Years all the museums, temples, etc are closed, damn it. Luckily we were in Osaka then so we hit up the crazy nightlife and during the day we went to the one place that was still open, the aquarium.

I had very different reactions then the Japanese viewing the aquatic animals. When I saw the huge ugly fish I thought, “Damn those are some huge ugly fish.” All the Japanese people around me would exclaim, “Wow it looks delicious!” and “I want to eat that fish!” I overheard this conversation with an obasan and her grandson when viewing the sea otters:

Grandson: “Wow they’re so cute!”
Obasan: “Yes so cute aren’t they?”
Grandson: “Can we eat them?”
Obasan: “No! Because they’re cute.

You’ve been spared sea otters. The Japanese love for cute things overpowered their love of seafood, for now.

By far the best part of the aquarium is the whale shark. Kim didn’t like it though because there was a little fish that attached itself to the whale shark (to gleam leftover food from the whale shark’s mouth) She thought it looked out of place and wanted to pick the little fish off, just like she likes to pluck off everything that doesn't belong. Here’s a pic:

On New Years day we were in Hiroshima and the whole city was at the local shrine to pray for good luck in the new year. Kim and I didn’t feel like standing in line for over two hours to take part in this cultural tradition, but we did indulge in the awesome street food. Seriously, Tokyo is great for fine dining and all but the Kansai area has the most kick ass street food anywhere in the country. I waited in line for 45 minutes to get freshly made taiyaki (fluffy dough with red bean or cream inside) from this near sighted obasan who must have been at least 90. In order to justify my wait time I bought ten big pieces when I really just wanted one or two. On New Years the Buddhist priests ring the temple bells to purge away the 108 sins of mankind. Hopefully one of those is gluttony because after stuffing myself so horribly I had a stomachache for the rest of the day. Pic of the crowd:
For New Years the news in the U.S. reports how many drunk driving deaths there were. In Japan the news reports on New Years how many people choked and died eating traditional mochi (which is really thick and hard to chew.) I think it was six.

The next day we went to the atomic bomb museum, which actually was not too biased against the Americans. I took a few exceptions though. Like the parts in which the museum states that the main reason the U.S. dropped the bomb was to justify the cost of making it and that there was no warnings whatsoever that the Americans were going to drop the bomb. The museum was very moving and informative despite these irksome inaccuracies and I’d recommend anyone to go. Here's a picture of the old city hall, the only structure left standing after the bomb hit.

We went to Kobe for the beef and that’s pretty much it. I gotta say it was worth it because it was the best steak of my life. So incredibly tender and moist, savory and delicious, like meat-butter melting in my mouth. It was really really expensive but so worth it. I suggest anyone on death row to make their last meal on earth fresh Kobe steak prepared teppanyaki style by a skilled chef.

The shinkansen is the super fast bullet train that is normally a wonderful experience. UNFORTUENTLY around New Years is the busiest traveling time of the season so the train is overbooked. Also, we had unreserved seating because we spent the last of our free money on Kobe beef. Consequently we had to stand for over three hours in the crowded ass train with not enough ventilation on our trip back to Tokyo.

I started whining to Kim that my feet hurt and how much this sucks, but then she motioned to a 10 year old kid playing a DS and a 60 year old man reading a newspaper while standing. In fact nobody was complaining at all about the conditions on the train. This could never ever work in America. First people in America are way too big (not just fat but BIG in general) for these trains. And second somebody would start bitching and making life miserable for all the other passengers within the first 10 minutes. Train conductors in America could never get away with shoving passengers into the train while screaming to those on board, “Make room, make room!” They would get sued and/or get a punch in the face. As I thought of this it made the discomfort in my weary legs and feet feel better.

So now we’re back from one of the best trips ever, broke but happy. I hope when we go back to America I can find a job where I get so many days off. Except it’s never really enough is it? I guess I have to go back though to make more money so I can go on more awesome trips. Picture of gold temple in Kyoto... I want some gold.