Eri Sensei Meets the Mayor

“Oookkay COOOME ON! And how do you do! I am Eri! Prease call me ERI SENSEI, OKAY!? I like CATS! Do you like CATS!? I have two cats, nyaa nyaa, two cats! Names of cats Gon-chan and Meme-chan! (pause for laugher) Oookay COOOME ON! Lets learn ENGRISH!”

This is the introductory English speech that Eri Sensei gives to each class when she meets them. After her somewhat intelligible speech she goes on to greet each student by shaking their hands and giving some very (un)lucky kids hugs. The students are always a little freaked out to hear a Japanese person speak English and laugh so hard at the SHOCKING physical contact because the Japanese don’t hug in public, ever.

Who is Eri Sensei? She is a Japanese native ALT who wants to be a teacher, but for now is “helping” the foreign ALTs at the elementary schools. I despise her. There are three main problems I have with her: One is her inappropriate cutesy personality, two is that she is a god-awful teacher and three her English is terrible.

Eri Sensei came to “help” me and the other ALTs with only three months left in the school year. Why all of a sudden do we need help now? Have I had my head up my ass this whole time? Since I go to five elementary schools I work with Eri five times more than the other ALTs. Damn it I used to really like that I only went to elementary schools, but not anymore. I’ve taught with Eri six times now and for the rest of the year I will see her on average once a week. Ugh.

Like many unmarried Japanese woman in their 30’s Eri acts super cutesy and bubbly like a high school girl. It is very disturbing. Eri’s caked on make up, bright pink lip stick and unsuitable knee high socks coupled with a cheap skirt or tight pants makes her look way older than she is instead of younger. Eri is always wearing a cat sweater which complements her cat purse and cat stationary complete with cat pen. Past Eri’s chirpy facade lies a lonely lonely woman desperate for affection. So I do feel sorry for her when I think about this but most of my time isn’t spent in psychosomatic contemplation, it’s spent “team” “teaching” with this crazy woman.

Eri Sensei, the cutsey attention starved woman, uses the classroom as her stage for the Eri show starring Eri with cameos by Michael Sensei and the rest of the class (maybe). Her teaching style starts with skipping all introductions by students and giving her opening speech, which is the most intelligible thing that comes out of her mouth (at least in English) the entire time. After her attention grabbing hugs and prancing about we sing a song, not one that has anything to do with today’s lesson but a cutesy one I’d be embarrassed to play at a Kindergarten let alone a 6^th grade class.

Next its time to learn today’s English words using picture cards. If the lesson were animals I’d show a picture of a bear and say, “bear” as the students repeat “bear” after me. In Eri’s world this isn’t fun enough so she will hide the picture card behind another card and reveal it a little at a time and ask the kids in Japanese to guess the card. Half the class will yell, “KUMA KUMA KUMA!” Maybe one kid will mutter, “bear” but will be drowned out by all the frantic “kumas.” Then Eri will repeat “kuma” a couple times before shoving the card at me to say, “bear” to the baffled children.

So what’s the use in English class for the students to yell out the lesson’s vocabulary in Japanese and have it repeated to them again in Japanese? There is none. It is detrimental. But Eri has so much fun revealing the card and must think, “wow they are shouting and having fun they MUST be learning.” Seriously there is a PICTURE on the card, repeating the word in Japanese is just retarded.

Now that the students are confused and don’t understand today’s vocabulary its time for a short conversation right? No, because Eri will either skip that part all together or change the conversation to something completely inane. I’ll try to improve the situation by repeating the conversation correctly but every time I do that Eri- CUTS ME OFF and starts talking out her ass again.

Eri: “Hooow is a weasher today?”
Students: “Hoow is weasher today?”
Me: *ahem* “How’s the weather to-
Eri: “OOOOKAY! Cooome ON! Mina de san hai! Hoow is a weasher today?”

Urge to kill… rising, Rising, RISING!

Eventually the students become even more perplexed, annoyed or apathetic depending on the type of student and stop listening. This is fine with Eri because its time for a game!

Every game Eri likes to play is competition style ala fruits basket (death basket). These games involve embarrassment and kids running around without having to use any English. Also, somehow she manages to be at the center of the game every damn time. The teacher is supposed to watch and help the students learn and play, not have the entire class revolve around them for their own entertainment.

I really think Eri wants to be a teacher just to be showered with attention by the children she will never have.

Why did I come all the way to Japan as a native English speaker to have a Japanese woman with horrible grammar and pronunciation take over for me? I’m able to understand her because I’m so used to Japanese Engrish but sometimes it’s really difficult. When Eri says, “wiindo” I know that doesn’t mean ‘window’ but ‘wind’ because we are teaching weather. But one lesson dealing with colors was a little trying.

Eri Sensei: “Baapuru! Baapuru! That is BAAPURU!”
Students: “Baapuru!”

Eri then flashes me a derisive look of, “why aren’t you repeating ‘baapuru.’ I’m too busy thinking, ‘what the… bubble is it bubble? I don’t see a bubble.’ I have to walk around to the flash card she is holding (she always seems to hold them at an angle where I can’t see) and see that ‘baapuru’ is actually purple.

Most Japanese elementary teachers don’t speak any English and see English lessons as a burden. They are only too happy to let me do whatever I want in class, which is fine with me. But this ideology sucks when Eri comes because then these same teachers go from begrudgingly having to deal with the gaijin to fawning all over Eri, their savior from the a dreaded 30 second talk with me. Instead the teachers get to excitedly chat about the English lesson in Japanese while I am completely ignored. Most of the time when I have to be with Eri I have no idea what the hell the lesson is until we are teaching it in class.

I’ve tried planning with her before class and sharing ideas, but to no avail. If the plan is to teach a lesson that I’ve done before then I’d relate this to Eri and show her the materials I used. Eri will say, “OKAY!” So I bring the materials and set up for that lesson. Eri starts teaching something completely different (and stupid) to the class instead of what we talked about. When Eri goes for the materials and they aren’t the right ones she gives me a scathing, “what the hell did you do!” look for a half second before returning to her bubbly fake persona.

I no longer try to plan or help Eri. She acts like she is listening and agrees to my ideas but then will take over and do whatever the hell she wants anyway. What’s the point?

Right before winter break the mayor and the board of education came to watch an English lesson at a 5^th grade class. Of course Eri was there to help. The 5^th grade teacher, Ms. U and Eri plotted and planned weeks in advance. They made all sorts of elaborate materials for the lesson’s game. I was not consulted.

I walk into the class and Mister Smiley and some other board of education cronies are there with their boss the mayor, who incidentally looks just like a Japanese version of the monopoly guy. I really wanted to expose Mister Smiley in front of his bosses, but right then Eri struts in and starts the lesson.

This was Eri’s time to be a star center stage. With gusto she threw herself into the lesson by cutting off the student rep and starting her introduction, being even more animated then usual. Afterwards she shook hands with the surprised children while making a beeline for the mayor. To the shock and horror of the board of education and the amusement of myself Eri tells the mayor, “stand up!” The Mayor looks wearily at Eri and stands up, the two exchange introductions and a hearty handshake.

Then it happened, Eri gave a big ol’ bear hug to the mayor. Mister Smiley was smiley no more as he and the rest of the BOE are horrified, the kids are all laughing their heads off and the mayor has the most “WTF!” faces I’ve ever seen on a Japanese person. I somehow kept my composure through the whole thing even though it was one of the funniest damn things I’ve ever seen.

The rest of the lesson was a total train wreck all the way through. Ms. U was rattled by Eri’s erratic behavior for the rest of the lesson. Eri and Ms. U mispronounced words, forgot the conversation and grammar points and looked confused the whole time.

The disgruntled mayor and his flustered entourage left the lesson right before Eri and Ms. U got to show all of their well crafted supplies that took two weeks to make.

At the BOE meeting the day before winter break Mister Smiley acts like the presentation never happened. I remind him of it twice and his only response is, “yes you did very well.” I didn’t do or say anything the entire time he was there.

Russell is another ALT where Kim and I work who looks like John Lennon. Looking like John Lennon isn’t so hot in America, but in Japan where Lennon = sex god he is getting all kinds of attention. Anyway, the lucky bastard and me were talking after the meeting.

Russell: “Have you had this Eri woman?”
Me: “Yes, she sucks.”
Russell: “I know she is so awful. She came to help in a class once and didn’t know what the hell she was doing and started hugging everybody. What the hell.”
Me: “I have to work with her once a week for the whole day.”
Russell: “Dude… I’m so sorry.”

Kim, who has her masters in education and is a professional elementary teacher has had to work with Eri for only two classes but is almost as disgusted with her as me. Another ally is Mrs. Y who was a volunteer at Kim’s school and is also Kim’s friend. Mrs. Y has her masters in English and for a native Japanese person she speaks the best English out of anyone I have met. Mrs. Y quit volunteering out of disgust and embarrassment because the teachers ignored all of Kim and Mrs. Y’s requests to change English lessons designed and taught by Eri who was making the kids progressively worse and worse in English.

For the days I have Eri I now think about how for the rest of my life I’ll have to work with people I dislike and this is good practice for working on my human resources skills. Most times I am able to block out, but sometimes when I see her teaching incorrect grammar and pronunciation I still get angry. It really isn’t because she cuts me off and annoys me anymore, but because these kids don’t know any better and all the work I spent so far in making these students speak better English is being undone right before my eyes.

Serenity now! Serenity now!

*Sorry for the long unfunny rant. I’ll write something better next time.