Cartman and Penis Boy

Working at six different schools makes it hard to remember individual children let alone anyone’s name. However, at the huge elementary school I go to that has 800 students (it’s literally called “Big Rice Field Elementary) I have two 4^th grade boys that really stand out. I nicknamed this dynamic duo of disruption Cartman and Penis Boy.

Cartman is a corpulent little bastard child that distracts and bullies everyone around him, most of all his poor teacher. Cartman is always making noise by either banging on his desk, singing off key, or just wailing at the top of his lungs for no reason at all. One day I was teaching in Cartman’s class and it was so quiet. All the students were working diligently and the only words spoken outside of the lesson were, “It’s so quiet.” After fifteen minutes of peace Cartman makes his appearance slamming the sliding door and making a piercing, “WHOOOOOOOOOP!” sound as he enters the classroom. He continues his racket by chucking his bag across the room, slapping a few students on the head, and making, “blooop blop blooop blop” noises. The lesson grinds to a halt as Cartman distracts everyone again and I struggle through the rest of the class.

Sometimes the teacher tries to cajole Carman into settling down and joining the lesson, but when she comes close to him he squeals like a stuck pig and punches her HARD. Usually the teacher and most of the other students try to ignore Cartman’s shrill commotions to just keep him from going any crazier. Cartman does not mess with me personally at all. Whenever I talk to him I give him an intimidating look so he knows if he hits me I just might toss his butterball butt out the nearest window.

Despite being a horrible asshole Cartman also has his hilarious moments. I was eating lunch in Cartman’s classroom and he was being his usual loudmouth self reciting lines from 300 and punching his classmates. Being largely ignored Cartman grew furious and at the front of the room screeched, “I AM SPARTA!” and with all his might flung a hard plastic tray clear across the room discus style. The projectile narrowly missed striking a little girl in the face. Seeing this reenactment of King Leonidas’ last stand by a pudgy Japanese boy completely floored me with laughter and I had to exit the room because I didn’t want Cartman to see me in hysterics over his dangerous antics.

Another thing about Cartman is that he is incredibly smart. He’ll be drawing on some books while singing the theme song to Naruto (ugh so excruciating) but when it comes down to the game part of the lesson where the students have to apply what they learned he is one of the top students that remember everything.

Penis boy is in the classroom next to Cartman’s. He is completely infatuated with male genitalia. His, mine, and all the boys he hangs out with, hell he just loves penises. For almost all the students, including Cartman, I am able to stop them from touching me inappropriately by either keeping a proper distance or by being intimidating. Not Penis Boy. Every tactic I’ve used has just emboldened him and made him even more resolute in the desire to grab my dick. Every time I teach Penis Boy’s class he goes up to me and makes a running stab at my junk. I have to turn and grab his hands and shove him back while yelling at him. Every time he is thwarted Penis boy will give me a shrewd smile of, “I’ll get you someday.”

When I first met Penis Boy he grasped his crotch and screamed, “OWWWWW!” impersonating Michael Jackson. Off guard, I had a little chuckle until he yelled, “OWWWW!” as a war cry and made several close attempts to grab my dick until I pinned his arms behind his back and told him to stop. Ever since then it has been a never-ending battle.

Penis boy has two friends in class that like penises too, albeit nowhere near the interplanetary level of Penis Boy. This Penis Posse per se is a huge distraction in class because they are always touching each other and every other answer is, “PENIS!” I now know waaaaaaaaaaaay too many Japanese words for penis thank you very much.

Because of standardized testing at Big Rice Field Elementary this week I’ve had the first two classes as free time. (Yey!) To make up for this my remaining lessons have had two classes combined. (Booo!) One of these merged classes was the meeting of Cartman and Penis Boy. (Oh snap!)

The lesson was opposites. Big – small, fat – thin, long – short, etc. The game for this lesson is after I say, “Show me wet (dry, tall, etc)” the students run around the room to objects, including ones I’ve set up, and point to them saying “This is wet!” Since I had done this lesson half a dozen times without incident and I haven’t had either Penis Boy or Cartman as students since before Winter Break I thought things would be fine. How foolish of me.

Cartman and Penis Boy were both pretty subdued during the lesson, now I know it’s because they were saving their energy for the game. Cartman, like usual, wanted to be the center of attention and screamed bloody murder if at least half the class didn’t pick the same object he discovered to point to. When a little girl picked up a ruler that Cartman was eyeing for “long” he snatched it away from her and spanked her butt with it. When I said, “Show me fat” and “Show me heavy” Cartman was hyperventilating with excitement because HE is fat and heavy and could point to himself. Three or four brave boys tried in vain to lift Cartman off the floor both times. Cartman for his part gave his best Jabba the Hut impression ‘ho ho hoing’ at the feeble mortal attempts to lift his massive girth.

Yes, Cartman was a huge distraction and mean to the other students but with Penis Boy I was the one in danger. EVERY DAMN WORD I said was related to a penis. “Show me cute” and Penis Boy grabs a smaller boy’s penis and says “PENIS! THIS IS CUTE!” I was very reluctant to say ‘big’, ‘long’, etc because I knew the little bastard was going to make a stab at my junk when I did.

Putting off saying the dreaded words made things worse though because the Penis Posse was growing. The boys from both classes think Penis Boy’s obsession is hilarious and join in the fun gang grabbing unsuspecting boy’s penises that were in and outside of the posse. Once a boy was corrupted by the hands of one inside the posse he decided to join in on the ‘fun’.

I finally decide to say the dreaded words. I say, “Show me… big” and Penis Boy leads the pack charging towards me screaming, “PENISSSSSSSSS BIIGGGGGG!” My instincts kick in and I manage to back myself into a corner while grabbing Penis Boy’s wrists and twisting his arms behind his back I use Penis Boy as a shield against his followers. When Cartman is finished ‘ho ho hoing’ from the failed lifting attempt the Penis Posse has calmed down but Penis Boy is struggling just as fiercely as ever. The exact same thing happened three or four more times with other words but I somehow managed to avoid the dozens of grabby hands every time.

Finally the last word of the lesson was sweet. Earlier in the lesson to illustrate the difference between sweet and sour I showed the class a piece of candy in my pocket. Every other class I taught the students either forgot about the candy or asked for it politely. This class not so much.

I say, “Show me sweet” and Penis Boy with half the posse screams, “SWEEEET” and darts for my crotch to either steal the candy or yank my sweet penis. Either way I didn’t like it so I ran. Unfortunately I ran right into Cartman who was screeching, “SWEET CANDY SWEET” and managed to fit a fat fist in my pocket and snatch the candy. Another boy wrestled the candy from Cartman who shrieked and swung a wild blow hitting another student. The boy with the candy was soon tackled and dog piled by twenty other boys grabbing for candy, penises and who the hell knows what else.

In the end I have no idea what happened because the bell rang while the boys were still in the pile so I quickly said a few farewell remarks and got the hell out of there. One or two crazy kids always influences a normal class go crazy with them, but holy hell this was on another level. The combined might of the dynamic duo of disruption, Cartman and Penis Boy, was just way too much for me.