Mister Smiley

I've developed a thick skin for people both gawking and laughing in my face, avoiding me like a leper, and being treated like an idiot man child. But damn it some things still really irritate me. In particular unauthorized video taping and picture taking.

I'm minding my own business instructing a class how to verbalize their l's and v's correctly and when I turn my back for a couple seconds BAM the teacher has got a video camera right in my FACE. It's either that or some snap happy PTA mom(s) capturing every precious three to four seconds of class time that her little prince/princess has with the scary gaijin. If I move this way can you get that profile shot you need or is the contrast not quite right? Why don't I stop the lesson so you can get a frontal view of the class with all the adorable brats and me all giving a peace sign V. No? Then GET THE FUNK OUTTA MY FACE.

It's distracting and annoying as hell, but what pisses me off the most is that nobody ever asks my permission. A simple, "mind if I take a few pics, k?" in Japanese or English will suffice or at least a little warning. Freaking camera ninjas come out of nowhere and right when I think I'm nice and safe… CAMERA IN FACE.

After the picture raping I used to always inquire in what manner the violators were going to exploit my likeness. Nobody would ever give me a straight answer. What is this big conspiracy to take my picture and never tell me when, where and why? Is there some pay voyeuristic website with pictures and video of me that only costs 1 yen for the first video and pictures then they jack up the price significantly after your hopelessly hooked. Maybe. Although one time I did find out what happened to a picture that was taken of me.

At the rural school there is a gigantic 3ft by 4ft poster of my FACE holding up and pointing to a flashcard in English. There is a word bubble of me saying, "My name is Michael Teacher. Lets learn English together." I don't remember ever saying that… Anyway the gigantic poster of me, along with being the biggest picture of me I've ever seen, is also the absolute worst picture of me. It looks like I'm sucking a lemon, taking a huge crap in my pants and crying all at the same time. Damn you rural school. My only consolation is that since the school is so small only a few people will ever see it.

A couple weeks ago during first period while I'm still a little sleepy and my guard is down the teacher turns ninja on me and busts some unauthorized pics, nothing unusual. For 3^rd period that day I'm forgotten about (yey!) so I use this precious free time to take a nap at my desk. While I'm half asleep none other than Mister Smiley from the board of education comes a walkin' into the room. Oh snap he's from the BOE and I'm sleeping on the job… is what I'd think if it was anyone else, but this is Mister Smiley and he totally ignores me.

Meet Mister Smiley. He is the assistant language teacher coordinator from the BOE. He speaks almost no English. During the compulsory monthly meetings at the BOE he has a translator with him when speaking to the ALTs. Despite this he has somehow fooled everyone into believing he is fluent in English, including all the teachers that do speak English. He truly has a special knack of bowing and smiling while walking backwards away from you and while you're lured in my his false humility he makes his escape. How can somebody that speaks almost no English coordinate all the ALTs and give the teachers that do speak English lesson advice for the entire city? Very very poorly. Not only is he a lying fraud he is also a backstabbing asshole. On several occasions I've asked him to make changes or talk to some people and after smiling and telling me, "of course!" he does nothing. Damn you Mister Smiley you twofaced fraud bastard.

Since he is ignoring me I ignore him back and return to that half awake/half asleep dream land where video games come to life and I'm the quarterback of the San Diego Chargers. Meanwhile Mister Smiley is leisurely chatting away drinking tea with the principal and other office staff for a good 15-20 minutes. I heard my name come up a few times so I drag myself into the real world and see what's going on. On the computer screen that Mister Smiley is at are my unauthorized pictures!

That's the last god damned straw. I'm exposing this fraud once and for all.

I slink up beside Smiley who is startled by my presence, but gives me one of his shit eating grins to mask his underlying fear of English. I give Mister Smiley a hearty pat on the shoulder and start the inquisition.

Me: "HEY! Whatcha lookin' at?"
Smiley: "Yes, okay." *GRINS*
Me: "Sooo what are you doin' on the computer? Are those the pictures of me that were taken first period? What are you gonna do with those?"

Mister Smiley looks like a deer caught in headlights and he can hardly hide his panic with a smile any longer. He rips the usb flash card from the computer, abruptly stands up and bows. With a rush of Japanese he and takes four bounding leaps for the door.

Me: "So I'll see you at the next board of education meeting then!?"
Mister Smiley: "Okay yes bye bye!"

He ran away and totally blew me off.

Hmmm he didn't seem like he was in such a hurry whilst sipping tea and chit chatting with the office staff. Luckily Mr. S who speaks pretty good English came into the room around the time I first went up to Mister Smiley.

Me: "You know Mister Smiley speaks like no English right?
Mr. S: "No he said he is fluent in English."
Me: "Have you ever heard him speak in English. He just blew me off when I tried talking to him."
Mr S: *sudden realization sweeping over his face* "GOODNESS GRACIOUS!"
Me: Hahahahahahahaha

After hearing a young Japanese man say goodness gracious I lost all anger. For every fraud asshole Mister Smiley there is at least 10 cool people like Mr. S who will bust out some random English to make me laugh. Still though I can only wonder what mischievous deeds Mister Smiley is doing with my unauthorized pictures. I'm making it my mission to expose Mister Smiley every chance I get. I've got him scared now and next time I'll make sure he doesn't escape