Japanese TV Part I

Japanese television. What the hell. It’s even weirder than I ever imagined. What’s strange is that the more Japanese I understand the worse the shows are. Although only three words: kawaii (cute!), oishii (delicious!) and sugoi (amazing!) are all you need to understand roughly half of all Japanese TV anyway.

The same small ever-rotating group of wacky personalities dominates Japanese TV. All of these ‘celebrities’ are one-dimensional characters that say the same lines and do the ONE little niche thing that makes them famous. It’s like that episode of the Simpson’s where Bart is the ‘I didn’t do it’ kid. Like Bart, these one hit wonder’s routines become stale very fast and are replaced after a few months. But hey that’s okay because there is always a fresh new crop of pigeon holed performers that can do and say only ONE thing.

Here are a few lines from a typical travel/food show where the waitress brings out an enormous plate of well-prepared sushi:

Cute girl with blonde hair: “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks longingly at food*
Cute girl that eats everything: “Itadakimasu!” *shovels every last bit of sushi into her rose bud mouth* “Oishi!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *frowns*
Cute girl with blonde hair: *rubs cute girl that eats everything’s extended belly full of 500 pieces of sushi* “Kawaii!”
Always surprised guy in a speedo: “Sugoi!”
Fat man in overalls: *looks around for something else to eat*
Bart Simpson: “Woozle Wuzzle?"

Japanese TV has more transvestites then a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show… in San Francisco. Practically every troupe of personalities has at least one cross dressing she-male in it. Entire shows are dedicated to drag queens gossiping with their ‘lady’ friends ala The View but even scarier. At any given time there will be at least one show on featuring a transvestite giving make overs to real woman, being laughed at by men or strutting his/her stuff for a fashion show.

About a third of the basic channels are home shopping networks selling everything from jewelry to funeral shrines. The strangest things they sell are vibrating exercise machines. Pulsate that belly fat away with a vibrating belt! Got stubborn neck fat? We have mini vibrators to exercise those stubborn areas too! The most disturbing exercise device is the horse-riding simulator. On TV there is a sexy woman riding the machine while staring sensually into the camera. Damn if these things aren’t selling like the Japanese equivalent of hotcakes.

Here is a video of what I’m talking about.

Unfortunately not everybody that rides these machines are sexy ladies. I was at an electronics store where several were on display. Four obasans were bucking rhythmically on their vibrating mechanical steeds. I was already feeling a little sick already but then one of them says, “This feels so good!” I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

The shining light of awesomeness for Japanese TV is the wacky game shows where people are hurt and humiliated. There are extreme challenge shows where contestants go through an obstacle course and 90% end up falling down awkwardly into a pit of muck water. Hah he fell down and got hurt, it’s funny because it’s not me.

My favorite shows are the ones where the contestants are in groups and have to dress up and do something incredibly stupid for money. One such show has a group of three contestants dressed in monkey costumes trying to reach a wad of cash dangling 30 feet above their heads in under three minutes. The monkeys are given miscellaneous items, such as a broom handle and vacuum cleaner attachments, to cobble together an apparatus to snatch the money. The makeshift device always falls apart right before they can reach their prize. The announcers (dressed in medieval European attire) laugh and laugh as the components rain down on the heartbroken contestants heads.

The only show that tops the monkey one is a half extreme challenge half humiliation game show. Groups of morons dressed in shameful jumpsuits have to play human tic tac toe by swinging on vines or contort their body in a hilarious game of human Tetris.

Here is a link to the Tetris game.

When it’s time to sing an English song there will be some boys who bust out the lawnmower dance move, pulling an imaginary string by pumping their fist to the floor. I’d laugh because I thought it was just a lame American dance move that white people do. To my shock and horror I found out where the boys learned the dance move.

Comedian Kojima Yoshio is the current flavor of the month personality. He is EVERYWHERE from game shows to travel shows to cooking shows. Kojima is always in a tighter than tight speedo running around humping random people and objects and performing his song and dance number which includes the lawnmower move.

Beware. Here is a link to Kojima Yoshino. -edit- Censored and removed. If you're really interested then google his name and some pics/videos will come up.

THIS is what the children of Japan are emulating. Yes Japanese TV is definitely weirder than I ever imagined. Many children request a performance of the Kojima dance. Uhhhhh no. I say that it is a Japanese dance and only Japanese can do it then bust into a funky white boy dance for them instead, sans lawnmower of course.

Part 2 coming soon.