The Great Japanese Pervert

I was having a bad day at the Ghost school. Not that things were worse than usual there, just the hypocritical bullshit was really getting to me yesterday. Lunchtime finally comes. A welcome respite? Hardly. 41 bastard 6^th graders, formally the bastard 5^th graders, screaming, fighting and throwing food is not my ideal mealtime break.

Every day I eat lunch with students I’m bombarded by, “how do you say ____ in English” questions. Most are cute and harmless.

Student: “How do you say ‘bara’ in English?”
Me: “Rose.”

Some are funny.

Student: “How do you say ‘supidaamaan’ in English?”
Me: “Spiderman.”

Without fail the upper grades at the Ghost School skip the cute and funny questions and only ask me to translate dirty words into English. Normally I swat the persistent buggers away, keeping tight-lipped even when they go from asking in Japanese to acting out what body part or sexual act they want to me interpret for them.

The most tenacious pantomime artist in the class has the self-asserted moniker ‘Great Japanese Pervert.’ The Great Japanese Pervert shouts to whomever will listen, “I am the Great Japanese Pervert! I am more perverted than anyone!” GJP has a rival though; I’ll call him Tiny Japanese Pervert since he is also the smallest boy in class and at nowhere near the level of perversion or intensity as GJP. TJP also proclaims his extreme pervasion, but is rudely shouted down by GJP and his fiery desire to remain the alpha class pervert. Just to remind you these kids are twelve.

This type of behavior does not shock me anymore. I see old men on trains blatantly ogling porn mags, tilting the pages just so to get better angles of the nude pictorials. Women and children close by bother them nary a whiff. In Tokyo enormous quantities of lolita and other disturbing material are located in eight story brand name book stores readily available to all. Japanese admit to being perverts and ‘bad men’ because there isn’t a huge stigma against it and most just don’t care. Some just start younger than others.

After much pelvis thrusting harassment Great Japanese Pervert asks me, “How do you say ‘great Japanese pervert’ in English?” I was in no mood yesterday to feign ignorance and have to endure his shenanigans. I told him. GJP is thrilled to hear his title spoken in English and he practices, “great Japanese pervert” several times to get it just right.

Next GJP asks me to translate testicles. I oblige by saying, “balls.” Ball in Japanese is the same as in English, i.e. soccer ball = saaka baaru. GJP and many other boys nearby find this absolutely hilarious and scream, “baaru baaru” while grabbing their crotches.

Now GJP goes on to proclaim himself perverted in English as well as in Japanese. “I am the Great Japanese Pervert! I have big balls!” (*English in Italics ) Pointing to random boys, GJP sentences them, “YOU have small balls!” YOU have small balls!” Then shoving a finger in Tiny Japanese Pervert’s face, “YOU have VERY small balls!” TJP takes a few swipes at GJP but he dodges easily. In full form GJP bounces about handing down several more small balls decrees.

GJP snatches two rubber basketballs from the back of the room and places them in front of his crotch screaming, “I AM THE GREAT JAPANESE PERVERT. I HAVE BIG BALLS! TJP sees an opening and strikes, punching GJP’s left rubber ball with all his miniature might. GJP crumples like an origami swan in a typhoon. TJP tries to steal the basketballs out from under GJP limp grip, but he will not part with his treasured orbs without a fight. Finally TJP extricates the balls and triumphantly declares, “I am the Great Japanese Pervert I have big balls.”

The short-lived reign of the Great Japanese Pervert is over; long live the Great Japanese Pervert.

I usually don’t slip this badly, but I'm not upset about teaching these children dirty English either. The homeroom teacher was laughing his ass off all the way through Great Japanese Pervert #1’s antics and the bastard boys are always grabbing each other’s balls anyway. No matter what language one uses these kids are perverts.