I Suffer From Low Expectations

In Japan people are categorized into two groups: Japanese and not Japanese. Since I am a white man with blonde hair and blue eyes who is a head taller than most people it’s obvious to everyone that I fall into the latter category. The Japanese culture and language is very unique and many Japanese people tend to think that it is impossible for foreigners to learn. Because of this I suffer from low expectations.

One word I hear a lot is “joozu” or skillful/good at. Anything remotely Japanese I do is followed up by clamors of, “Joozu! Joozu!” by astonished Japanese onlookers. People that have known me awhile aren’t surprised to see me eating mochi or talk about my weekend in Japanese, it’s the newcomers that are floored by the startling realization that a gaijin can do these exclusively Japanese activities.

The worst offenders are the ones who continue with condescending joozus over and over making me feel like an infant or well trained animal mimicking their Japanese. Now whenever these offenders use any English or have any knowledge of western culture I counter with, “Joozu! Joozu! Wow your English is so good! I can’t believe you know that! How long did you study English in America?” Embarrassed, the offenders usually stop their condescending remarks.

Japanese coworkers, students and friends alike love playing the game, ‘Can you eat…?’ I get asked, “Can you eat… tempura?” Yes. “Wahhh Joozu!” “Can you eat…sushi?” Yes. “Waaaaahhh! Hontoni? Joozuuuu!” Can you eat… natto?” Ummm no. “Ahhhhhh sodesune.” I find fermented soybeans in fungus pungent and disgusting so no, I cannot eat natto. The Japanese think every answer, yes or no, is hilarious, especially natto.

I still eat school lunch with the kids every day. When I get an older female teacher I’ve come to expect heaped on piles of joozus for every thing I do. The kids don’t think it is out of the ordinary that I can eat fish or miso soup and use chopsticks, which just makes the teachers want to point out just how goddamned joozu it is even more. These teachers have a hard wired mindset that gaijin can’t do anything Japanese.

A few weeks ago I was eating lunch in a 1^st grade class with an elderly teacher and I saw the joozu twinkle in her eye as she spied me using chopsticks. She yells at the kids to all stop eating and marvel at this miracle gaijin. Quoting her, “Gaijin can only use forks knives and spoons but never chopsticks. Everyone watch Michael-sensei use chopsticks. Isn’t it amazing how joozu he is?” The 1^st graders aping their teacher commenced with the joozus. I rebuffed by stating that there are many Chinese and Japanese restaurants in America and many Americans can use chopsticks. The elderly teacher acted like she didn’t hear me and went on proclaiming how joozu I am.

Ms. S is a nice teacher at Big Rice Field. Whenever I’m reading, writing or studying she is looking over my shoulder and asks what I’m doing. Most Japanese tend to do the over the shoulder look which in America is considered rude but in Japan it’s normal. Ms. S is particularly nosy. I was writing a thank you letter in Japanese to a teacher that invited Kim and I over his house for a night of sukiyaki and heavy drinking. Before I’m able to cover the letter up Ms. S has hunkered down over my shoulder. When I react by turning around she deftly plucks the letter from the desk and reads it.

Ms. S: *gasp* “What’s this… WHO WROTE THIS LETTER? WHO… WROTE… THIS… LET…TER!?”
Me: “Me?”
Ms. S: *squeals* “JOOZUUUUUUUUUUU!”

Of course everyone else in the room wants to know what the fuss is about and Ms. S is all to happy to share the joozu gold with others. Any denials of being joozu just means I am joozu AND modest which just makes me even more Japanese and joozu.

It’s not just teachers at The Ghost School who refuse to acknowledge that I know any Japanese, it’s the Japanese public. I do not speak fluently. I make mistakes and my accent is only decent. Often times I’ll say something in Japanese and get the dumbstruck doggy look. This is the look when a Japanese person stares at me blankly then tilts their head to one side and utters something akin to, “Aruu?” Repeating what I said or saying something else in Japanese that is very simple and I KNOW should be intelligible doesn’t help. They see my white face and hear me speaking Japanese and they cannot comprehend the two together, thus the dumbstruck doggy look. Friends and coworkers that I speak to often can understand me perfectly even with much more complicated Japanese conversations so it’s really frustrating to say something correctly and still get, “Aruu?” as a response.

Every time I ask for directions in Japanese the person responds in English even when I say Japanese is okay. 90% of the time the speaker will give up using their halting English halfway through and finish in extremely rapid Japanese.

When some Japanese people see me they get very excited to use the half dozen English words they’ve retained through their 8+ years of English education. The first few months I was in Japan I obliged everyone I met and talked to them and gave them some pointers. After awhile I got fed up with giving free English lessons. At school speaking English is my job, but in public I should be using Japanese.

My rule now is if I can speak better Japanese then they can speak English I’m only using Japanese. However, if their English is better than my Japanese then we can speak English. Three times I’ve told persistent strangers hocking for a free English lesson that I’m German and can’t speak English. Too bad I can’t use this excuse more often because I’m usually with Kim and we are speaking English. It works really well. Twice the strangers walked away embarrassed and the other time I had an interesting conversation in Japanese.

Kim has the opposite problem. Everyone thinks she speaks Japanese because she’s Asian. The look of shock and disappointment on their faces after she speaks a few words of Japanese in an American accent or uses English is hilarious to me, but annoys her. Reversely she finds the doggy dumbstruck look funny while it bugs the hell out of me.

When Kim and I are at a restaurant I’ll order our food and afterwards the waitress will stop and stare at Kim for confirmation. After a few seconds go by and Kim doesn’t say anything the waitress glances back at me then back to Kim, nodding impatiently. Kim will either nod back or if annoyed say, “What?” or “Yes?” in English. A look of realization sweeps over the waitress' face as she reads back our order to us and scurries off. If she understood me enough to get the order right why does she need a Japanese looking person’s confirmation? This happens almost every time.

Living in a foreign country one can’t just learn the language through osmosis. (That would be awesome though.) There are frustrating obstacles to learning already but when so many people refuse to acknowledge that I can speak or become doggy dumbstruck by my white face coupled with Japanese words the frustration is compounded. I’ll always be in the ‘not Japanese’ category which means I’ll always suffer from low expectations. I’m not giving up though! Every Japanese person I meet and am able to talk to even a little bit is a personal victory for me.