Rural School #1 and #2
Two of the schools I go to are out in the boondocks. They are small, hard to find and surrounded by stretches of farmland. These schools are pretty unspectacular except for the fact that they’re a bitch to get to and crowing roosters are constantly interrupting the morning classes. They are so similar I went to the wrong school once and was there for about 10 minutes until I realized I was scheduled at the other one that day. Rural School #1 and #2 are a little boring but the people are courteous and it’s a nice break from the insanity of the other Elementary schools.
At Rural School #1 there is a 6th grade boy obsessed with obtaining $50 from me. Without fail he comes after me in the teacher’s room demanding I fork over my American cash.
$50 Boy: “Give me 50 dollars! Where’s my 50 dollars?!”
Me: “I don’t have 50 dollars.”
$50 Boy: “Liar! I want 50 dollars!”
Me: “I don’t have any American money at all”
$50 Boy: “I’ll give you 50 yen if you give me 50 dollars. Pleeeeeeeeease?”
Me: “FOR THE LAST TIME I DON’T HAVE 50 DOLLARS!”
$50 Boy: “Cheapsake! Liar! I’ll get my 50 dollars later.”
This has been going on for five months. I thought he would give up with time but it’s just gotten worse. In class he rounds up his friends and then I have 6-7 boys all demanding $50. I have no idea how $50 Boy arrived at the figure of $50 as the price I should pay him, it’s just so random.
Yumi, a 6th grade girl at Rural School #1 speaks the best English of any student I have. Her teacher happens to know next to nothing. Yumi is always correcting the teacher’s bad English. To me this is soooo sweet and hilarious. Before the teacher would tell the students confusing or incorrect answers, but after being put in her place over and over by her own student the teacher just stands back and lets me teach. Out of all my students I’ll miss Yumi the most when she graduates this month.
Rural School #2 is really into music. The loudspeaker is constantly blaring some awful J-Pop or inappropriate American song. Gotta love the Ayumi Hamasaki, Michael Jackson, Exile, and Carpenters mix tape, or not. Every other school’s lesson starts with an English song that lasts 2-3 minutes. At Rural School #2 the song lasts about 15 minutes including practice with the lyrics, choreography, and singing the damn song twice. At Rural School #2 I’m known as a dancer because of the moves I bust out during the English songs. Kids are always asking me to pop block or snap my neck rhythmically to the music currently screeching throughout the school.
All the girls from grades 4-6 LOVE Disney’s High School Musical. They skip around the halls holdings hands and sing at the top of their lungs. IN ENGLISH. Yey! They are learning through song! On a few occasions I’ve walked up to a group of them and asked, “How are you?” Girls: “Ehhhhhhhhh I don’t understand English!” Then they skip away singing ‘Bop to the Top’ together in perfect unison.
Big Rice Field Elementary
The adventures of Big Rice Field Elementary are never ending. This is the school of Cartman and Penis Boy and most of the physical exploits. Dangerous? Yes, but still fun. I get the celebrity treatment here. When some kids spot me they’ll shout, “IT’S MICHAEL SENSEI!” and flock around me trying to touch me, talk to me or get my autograph. There is not much English spoken in the teacher’s room outside of ‘hello’ and ‘good morning’ but most of the people are friendly and I have had many great conversations with them using a mix of Japanese and sign language.
Almost every week I get a new nickname or do something that all the kids copy for awhile. Luckily unlike other schools they forget quickly and pick up on something else. Two weeks ago students spotted me using my SoftBank phone and for awhile would point and yell at me, “Look it’s Brad Pitt! He’s so cool looking!” Too bad it didn’t last. The next week week at lunch some boys asked me, “Do you like Anpanman?” I said, “I LOVE Anpanman!” Then blew up my cheeks full of air and smiled. This floored the entire class with laugher and the rumor spread that I am in fact Anpanman in disguise with much pointing and laughing. I hope this one doesn’t last.
Brad Pitt is one of the biggest ad whores in Japan. Only second to Cameron Diaz. (left)
The superhero made of sweet red bean paste and his yeasty companions fight evil germs. He saves hungry people by letting them eat his head. Probably the most beloved children's cartoon character in Japan. (right)
The principal at BRF has taken a marked interest in me. Every morning before I even have a chance to sit down the old man is at my desk with a pad of notes asking me questions about America, English grammar, my opinions about news events and so on. Then it’s time for my Japanese word of the day. He’s a nice old man and I like talking to him but I need this morning time to set up materials for 1st period. Must not offend kind old man… but must get ready for work. Ugh.
The Ghost School
The Ghost School is an enormous facility, almost as large as Big Rice Field, except a mere 200 students roam The Ghost School’s cavernous halls. The teachers are the most depressed lot of sad sacks I’ve ever seen. When I walk into the teacher’s room the staff all have their heads down, nobody greets me.
At every school I go to there is at least one teacher who dislikes/fears English and consequently dislikes/fears me intensely. These hater types only give me 25 minutes or so for a 45 minute lesson all the while hindering my lecture further by bemoaning how hard English is, how there isn’t time for a game, and how the kids don’t understand at all. Unfortunately EVERY DAMN TEACHER is like this at The Ghost School.
For the short time that I struggle to teach the homeroom teacher is constantly quipping, “Hmmmm this is really difficult, right? English is soooo hard! Hahaha I don’t understand this at all!” Or when I pause for a few seconds the homeroom hater will address the class with, “I know this is too difficult but just put up with it for a little longer.” If I happen to say a word that sounds like a Japanese one the teachers will stop the lesson, cutting me off, and point out how HILARIOUS it is that the English word I said sounds like a Japanese word with a different meaning.
A group of 5th graders at The Ghost School have taken to greeting me with a hearty, “What up nigga!” every time they see me. The first time I heard this I was shocked and my face showed it. I tried to play it off like it was nothing but the bastard boys saw my initial surprise so they always greet me with it. Luckily it hasn’t spread past a handful of the bastard 5th graders.
A bad habit that has proliferated throughout the entire school is flippin’ the bird. The kids find it utterly hysterical to flip each other off then run away screaming. They flip off each other, the entire faculty, and me. Many of the teachers feign anger and flip them off back. I just sit back calmly and act like it’s nothing all the while hoping one of these kids get to visit America some day.
None of the staff will talk to me unless they absolutely have to for a lesson plan. They use a mix of incomprehensible pidgin English and sign language to communicate. I speak back in Japanese. I’ve tried asking the staff to converse with me in Japanese because I’ll understand them better but they all steadfastly refuse. As a result the lesson does not go as the teachers want it to go and they become even more disenfranchised with English.
Some staff members at The Ghost School dislike English so much they won’t even look at me and if I’m walking towards them they will scurry away lest I brush up against them and infect them with my English. At the Ghost School I am the ghost. I am a scary white apparition who comes in, makes a lot of inexplicably strange noise and leaves the place terrified.
The Love School
My favorite school is The Love School. The faculty is really nice, fun and outgoing. Although some of the kids are crazy none are mean or hostile. The English planner, who at every school is supposed to help plan lessons but rarely does, is a great person who *gasp* can actually speak intelligible English. It’s Amazing. Nothing worse than a teacher telling me to teach kids: “What like animal?” “Dog I like.” Then when I suggest some minor changes they get huffy and offended. With Ms. U we work together to come up with some great lessons that I end up using at the other schools as well.
The Love School is always fun although I’m still considered somewhat of a pervert. This is the school of the Cicada Sensei incident. I’ve received about a dozen love letters from girls here. Most are innocent and cute, but a few are a little heavy on the innuendo. Kids, they grow up fast.
When I eat lunch with the students or I’m showing off by dunking some basketballs on the playground (the basket is MUCH shorter) girls AND boys run up to me asking if I like/love them. I say, “As a friend” and “Oooooo look at my ring! Sorry I’m married." The kids are persistent and have follow up questions like, “Who is the cutest girl/boy in class?” With this question I grab a random homely looking child and say this is the cutest one. Exasperated cries of, “No way! Really!” follow.
A group of giggling 6th grade girls ran up to me during recess and pushing a cute, tall girl in my face said, “She is very cute and sexy! Do you want to have sex with her?” What the hell? What threw me off the most is that ‘sexy’, ’cute’ and ‘sex’ were all in English. Where are they learning these words? NO I do not want to have sex with a twelve-year-old Japanese schoolgirl. Although going to Akihabara in Tokyo and seeing the hordes of creepy old men scavenging through the mass volumes of Lolita porn makes me think a lot of Japanese men would.
Everyday an English learning song plays over the loudspeaker while the students sing in class. Also, everyday an English learning video featuring Australian actors performing a ridiculous English skit plays on the classroom televisions. The Love School is a little overzealous with their love of English sometimes. It really is the opposite of The Ghost School. Another difference is that The Love School has about 550 students but the school building is smaller than The Ghost School’s. There are 40 or so students per classroom yet they all get along harmoniously.
The principal of The Love School is a woman between the age of 40-70 who always has 10 pounds of face makeup on. I wonder if she ever takes off her makeup or just adds more everyday? A female in charge in Japan has to be infinitely more competent then all her male counterparts to achieve such a position. She is. She’s always busy helping teachers, talking to the PTA and lecturing students. She even gets on her hands and knees cleaning the teacher’s room with the kids. I give her a lot of the credit for making The Love School such a great environment.
Before I became a teacher I never knew that the school staff had such a huge impact on the children. When the teachers are thoughtful and happy the children will be too. However, if the staff are depressed and angry the students will resist learning English by kicking and screaming… and butt poking. Generally there are always going to be bad kids no matter what and angels no matter what. It’s the bulk 80% who are influenced into becoming bastards or saints. This is especially true in Japan where keeping with the group mentality is regarded so highly.
1 comment:
I, for one enjoy your long-ass posts.
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