Students lined up with notebooks, backpacks, and yellow hats for me to sign. When one kid asks for a signature I know every child in the vicinity will want one too so I chose my moments carefully.
At Big Rice Field a cheeky 3rd grade boy nicknamed Shin-chan pulled his pants down, waving his butt in the air and begging me to autograph his ass. The troublesome tot really does look and act just like the poorly animated character Shin-chan who is also notorious for his pants less antics.While frantically signing belongings an innocent looking boy in the same class as Shin-chan strolled up to me, yellow hat in hand, and thrust his pointed fingers deep into my testicles and penis. WHAT THE HELL! I totally let my guard down by surrounding myself with smiling happy faces and this little bastard takes advantage with a crotch poke. The kid then has the audacity to ask for a signature. NO YOU GET NOTHING. I shoved the ball-stabbing brat away and ran for the safety of the teacher’s room, screaming 3rd and 4th graders were hot on my tail yelling, “Sign sign sign!”
During cleaning time in the teacher’s room I was still angry with myself for letting my guard down. I tried to snap out of my junk poked funk by greeting the cleaning kids per usual. I bent down to shake a cute 1st grade girls hand. Still wary I sensed someone creeping up behind me but it was too late. The stabbing fingers struck my bent posterior hitting the bullseye and sinking in. I viciously grab the offender’s hand whose owner turns out to be a 'normal' 6th grade boy I never had problems with before. The smiling boy says, “Hello. How are you?” Disgusted I scowl at the boy and tell him in Japanese to go away and never talk to me again. So much for the safety of the teacher’s room.
I’m still so ashamed that I got hit twice in one day. Some teachers asked me what’s wrong and I told them. The universal response was, “What’s wrong with that?” Ugh. I don’t want to be in a country where children have impunity to attack foreigner’s private parts so in this respect I’m glad we’re leaving.
The absolute LAST lesson I had was probably the worst non Eri-Sensei related class of my ALT career. It was the terrible 2nd graders at Rural #1. A record eight children cried during the lesson for various bullying related reasons. In the middle of teaching the brawling and bawling classroom a ninja child (probably one of the same boys that attacked Bret) went for a dick swipe reach around. Instinctively I closed my legs tight, vice gripping the would be assassin’s arm between my thighs.
There I am with a boy’s groping arm sticking out from under my crotch as the homeroom teacher stupidly smiles on in the back while doing worse than nothing to control the children. I violently tossed the kid in the air, put him face to face and screamed, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” before setting the now terrified tyke down and shoving him towards his vacant seat.
I loathe this teacher. The crazy old lady actually encourages the loudmouth bratty kids to be louder and scolds the ones getting beat up for crying. I stopped the lesson at least half a dozen times to break up bullying with one hand and protect my penis with the other. Mercifully the bell rang and I skipped out without collecting any materials or saying goodbye.
There was a mixed reaction to my leaving. Some teachers are sad, many are indifferent, while a few appeared to be happy. Every school’s staff is worried that they will get a bad ALT in the fall like my predecessor, Alex. Alex is a creepy white guy who I met once. He is overly confrontational and complains a lot which is very bad for a Japanese workplace. Alex came to Big Rice Field’s graduation last March to visit his old students and was unceremoniously escorted off the premises by the livid principal for reasons I’m glad not to know. For a super polite Japanese society this is pretty shocking. One teacher put it together for me when she said, “he likes girls.” I asked, “Oh, he likes Japanese woman?” “No… he likes the little girl students.” Sooooo creepy.
After a year of analysis I have compiled a list in order of importance of what Elementary teachers want in an ALT.
#1 Japanese speaking ablity
#2 Always be genki! (energetic, happy, good attitude.)
#3 Punctuality
#4 Teaching ability
I noticed the more Japanese I learned the more responsibly and respect as a real staff member I was granted. After finding out about my return to American worried teachers told me, “What if the new ALT doesn’t speak Japanese? You can understand us so well so it will be VERY troublesome if the next person can’t.”
These complacent teachers were in an easy groove because I took over all the responsibility for English class, planning the lesson, making materials, and teaching almost always alone. If they cared to know I’d explain what I was doing to the Japanese teachers beforehand. I was a very low maintenance ALT who didn’t make waves so I can see why teachers are afraid of getting another creepy blowhard like my predecessor.
Kim had a hard time being an ALT because she is a real teacher in America and was used to her own classroom and American school rules. Her strongest point is #4 on the top heavy scale of what Japanese teachers want from ALTS. So poor Kim, a fantastic teacher with a masters in education and 10 years of expereince in America, wasn’t appreciated by most Japanese teachers. At least Kim was always genki even if she had to fake it at the end.
Kim is far and away a better teacher than me but I was a better ALT. My intermediate level Japanese coupled with my gaijin looks and genki clown act is exactly what teachers want from an ALT. The actual learning English part? Well the teachers would rather the ALT come on time every day then have the children actively learn English using inventive and exciting teaching methods.
There are some superb people teaching at the schools I worked at who make a hugely positive impact on student’s lives. I learned a great deal from them. On the flip side there are some awful teachers like the one from my very last lesson of 2nd graders at Rural #1 and most of the Ghost School's staff. I thought about saying to the bad teachers, “Why are you a teacher when you hate children you hate teaching and you hate yourself?” But coming from me they wouldn't have cared anyway so why bother. Shoganai.
Japanese people are very polite to strangers, but often not that friendly and take awhile to win over. At the Ghost School one office lady ignored me for 10 months then suddenly opened up to me. It turns out she is an Americophile with zero English ability. We had conversations whenever I had any free time at all. She made the last month at that horrible school bearable and gave me a letter and a huge sack of potatoes in the parking lot when I left so the other teachers wouldn't see the fond farewell.
Various teachers and friends ignored me for months before finally coming on to my gaijin charms as well. Although it took awhile for some Japanese people to warm up to me once I got into their good graces they ended up being some of the most fun and interesting friends I’ve ever had the pleasure to spend time with.
Unlike America Japanese people hate used household objects. I’ve seen brand new looking bicycles, leather chairs, tables etc in the trash ripe for the picking but the only truck roaming the streets to collect these choice items is the garbage man because its all been USED. In America put any piece of crap bookcase or blender on the sidewalk with a ‘FREE!’ sign and that sucker is gone within the hour. I thought about bringing my extra clothes to Ueno park and handing them out to the homeless but quickly dismissed the idea. The Japanese homeless are probably too good for my used clothing too.
This last weekend we went to summer festivals with friends. Many students who thought they’d seen the last of their ALTs were amazed to spot us at the festivals and screamed our names while demanding pictures be taken. Kids who we thought absolutely hated English class and ignored our existence at school ran up to us smiling and waving. Here is a short, badly lit video of a surprised student's reaction to seeing Michael Sensei.
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